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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

Found Birth Son

32 replies

StellaDallas2013 · 14/08/2013 07:42

I am a regular member, but felt more comfortable to do a name change for this. I am posting in Chat so it will vanish in 90 days.
I gave up a son for adoption a long time ago. Recently, I applied for post adoptive information, and was given his name. I found him on-line within hours. His adoptive father and uncle passed away this year, and the obituaries gave me a lot of information. He is in his 30's, and looks a lot like my ex's brother, he also resembles my children. He has the same interests as my children, their facebook profiles are very similar...and he has five facebook friends in common with one of my children and two other people we are close to. He lives and works where one of my children used to.
I am torn on whether or not to put my name in the match registry. I don't know if he even knows he is adopted.
I don't know why I applied for the information, but now I cannot stop thinking about him now that I see him on the web. Considering his recent bereavements (a few months ago) would this be too much emotional stuff for a person?
If I register myself, he may want to meet me. I don't think I want that. Well, I do, but I don't. But my children seem very interested in him and I wonder, would he want to meet them? I told them about his adoption a couple of years ago.

I just wanted to put it out there, and see if anyone can offer any advice or perspective? Thanks for reading this.

OP posts:
Numberlock · 14/08/2013 07:46

Is there a specialist agency who could advise you on this? Eg can they approach him on your behalf or at least find out if he knows his history? Presumably he is aware as he will have seen his birth certificate at some point?

I hope everything works out how you want it to. Thanks

Original poster
StellaDallas2013 · 14/08/2013 07:51

Thank-you. Yes, I can put my name on the registry and state what sort of contact I am open to.

OP posts:
rubyrubyruby · 14/08/2013 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Roshbegosh · 14/08/2013 07:57

How will he feel seeing you on the registry but refusing to meet? I think you could be open to whatever contact HE wants. This is not just about you and you make the point about his recent bereavements so either be decent to him or drop it. I believe the advice is to take things slowly, start with letters first, and don't have unrealistic expectations.

AnxiousAugusta · 14/08/2013 08:01

Make sure you know how much of yourself, and your other children, you are willing to share before you mess with this young man's head. I'm not saying you would intentionally hurt him but, if you make contact, then he might want to meet and then have some kind of relationship with you and his siblings. The consequences if you or his siblings reject him could be heartbreaking.

On the other hand, he might just want details of any medical issues that his birth family might have.

He doesn't appear to have made any serious attempt to find you which is something to bear in mind.

I would advise you to get some counselling; the adoption board on MN is the best place to post for advice as to where to access this counselling.

3ismylot · 14/08/2013 08:08

As someone who has searched for and met my Birth Mother I would say that you need to get your head in order before you take any action.

You say that you want to meet him but you dont? Could you look into some counselling to help you work out which it is? It would be wrong to initiate any kind of contact and then refuse to meet him and would just amplify any feelings of rejection he may have.

I found my Mother on the internet by myself too and sent her a letter and was very lucky that she had always wanted me to track her down (she was forced to give me up by her father) and had told her children all about me, It worked out well for me but I know what I did was risky!

I would suggest finding a charity that is experienced in dealing with this, they will help with counselling and help you move forward at a pace you are comfortable with.

I really would like to emphasise the fact that you really shouldnt make contact or put yourself on the register unless you are fully open to meeting him and building a relationship if thats what he wants.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do x

Original poster
StellaDallas2013 · 14/08/2013 08:18

Thank-you all. I could copy this post in adoption I guess, I would like to hear an adopted persons point of view.

He will already have family medical information, as well as his family history, as I had submitted a letter telling him a lot, what myself and his bio dad look like, interests, the circumstances at the time, a few years ago.

I guess the only way to find out if he is interested is to put myself on the registry, they only tell you if both parties do it.

It appears he had a lovely family life, and that is what I wanted for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
StellaDallas2013 · 14/08/2013 08:38

3ismylot thank-you for your thoughtful reply. I am leaning towards leaving things undisturbed.

OP posts:
FruOla · 14/08/2013 08:41

I'm adopted too. I would love to meet my birth mother, although I haven't had any luck so far. But I'd be devastated if she suddenly did join the Register (I've been on it for years), but then stated 'no contact'.

I agree with everyone who says you really need to work out in your own mind what you want from this. And also to get some professional guidance before you make any decisions.

Coconutty · 14/08/2013 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Acinonyx · 14/08/2013 09:05

I'm very surprised that you were given the identifying information - usually this is not given directly to a birth relative but to a third party to protect the adoptive persons right not to be traced (I'm adopted myself and used to handle third-party traces when they became legal).

The registry is a good way to go - but many adoptees don't even know about that. Your local post-adoption officer at the council may be able to recommend or provide someone to try a third-party contact which gives the adoptee time to consider whether to accept or not (the charity I used to do this for has closed). They may also be able to provide you with some counselling yourself which I highly recommend - it can be a very emotionally demanding experience all round. Best of luck.

Original poster
StellaDallas2013 · 14/08/2013 09:15

Hello. They only sent me copies of his old and his new birth certificate. The records where I live are open, unless you submit a veto. You can submit a veto, as well as a letter of information if you choose, which is what I did. He did not submit a vito, and so they gave me his name, but that is all. if I were to request contact, I would then discover what he has in place regarding that.

OP posts:
Original poster
StellaDallas2013 · 14/08/2013 09:19

I asked MN to move this to adoption. Thank-you for your input.

OP posts:
FruOla · 14/08/2013 09:59

"He doesn't appear to have made any serious attempt to find you which is something to bear in mind."

That doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't want to find you. Some adoptees probably don't start searching out of love/loyalty to their adopted parents, but there can be events in their lives which trigger the start of their search; maybe the death of an adopted parent or the birth of their own child.

AnxiousAugusta · 14/08/2013 11:40

True, FruOla. Some adoptees leave their search until they are middle-aged. I just think OP needs to make sure she's fully prepared before she makes contact with her son. And that includes being prepared for rejection or him wanting continued contact with her.

WhataSook · 14/08/2013 12:06

I think this would be a hard decision to make but my thoughts are you already 'know' this person. You have their name and have seen pictures of them and can view them on facebook. So it's very one-sided.

You do need to decide whether you want to meet this person but either way you need to stop snooping on them. You've no right to do that, to get your fill of them and know things about them without their consent. And before everyone says it's on the internet it's out there for anyone blah blah blah, this case is different.

You owe it to your son to either be interested or not.

2old2beamum · 14/08/2013 12:24

Please be careful.
Like 3ismylot I found my birthmother (she dumped me when was 6 on a railway station) I wish I hadn't I got a very rude letter back telling me I was not part of her life and basically clear off. It really hurt as to me it was a 2nd rejection.

sammisatt · 14/08/2013 13:20

2old: same happened to me. It was horrific.

I also think you need to tread very carefully and have thought out every possible outcome and are feeling strong before attempting to make contact.
Lots of luck with whatever you decide.

3ismylot · 14/08/2013 14:11

It is so difficult to know how things are going to turn out and I really would advise counselling as the first step.
Like I said before I am very lucky and I now have a good relationship with my Birth Mother and my half siblings but if she hadnt wanted to know me I know that I would have taken it very hard and as I already suffer from depression it may have tipped me over the edge.

You have peace of mind that he is happy and living a good life, is that good enough or do you want to know more? Do you feel that you could be open and honest with him and let him set the pace? If you cant then signing up to the register would be opening a can of worms that you cant then close.

As 2old2beamum and sammisatt say 2nd rejection is harder to deal with than not knowing.
After all these years a few more months wont make any difference so take time to explore your feelings and seek out some help and see how you feel then.
Also remember that if you do go ahead it probably wont be a bed of roses and you will have to open a few old wounds, it will be hard on both of you.

I really hope you are happy with whichever decision you make x

bliss88 · 14/08/2013 14:15

Defiantly get in touch 100% my friends brother was adopted and it work out fine and he is the same
Age as your biological son

3ismylot · 14/08/2013 16:35

bliss88 I think your reply is a bit naive and flippant. Just because you know someone who it worked out for doesn't mean it is right for the op.
Every case of adoption is completely different and there isnt a one size fits all way of reuniting Birth parents with their children!

Of 3 people of this thread who have traced Birth Mothers only mine has been positive!

StellaDallas2013 Sorry if I come over a little negative but I would rather you knew the reality of how things may be instead of making it sound sugar coated and fluffy.
I would however agree with FruOla that the fact he hasnt traced you isnt any kind of indication as to whether he wants to or not. I was 27 when I traced my Birth Mother but had wanted to since I was 16! I didnt want to cause upset in the family by tracing her and even when I did I kept it on a back burner until I finally plucked up the courage to go non contact with my adoptive parents (They are narcs and I had an awful childhood)
If he is close to his adoptive parents he wont want to rock the boat even if he longs to meet you.
You sound very level headed though and are clearly thinking about his feelings aswell as your own which is the important thing x

Original poster
StellaDallas2013 · 15/08/2013 06:08

Thank-you for your replies. I just want to explain, the only reason I considered having contact, was in case he had a burning desire to know more. Some people feel incomplete not knowing. But I hope I gave so much information to him, that he will not have that missing piece feeling. The fact that he doesn't have any postings regarding adoption anywhere on-line does suggest he is happy with how things are.

I could allow my name to be released, as he has done, so he could look on line at my facebook account, or is that a bad idea?

I actually have a lot of anxiety and fear at the thought of contact, my palms are sweating just posting about it.

Thank-you.

OP posts:
Original poster
StellaDallas2013 · 15/08/2013 06:13

I will answer my own question, that would be opening a can of worms. I won't do it.

OP posts:
3ismylot · 15/08/2013 09:19

StellaDallas2013 I can tell just how torn you are but from what you say I dont think it would be a good idea in your situation. It sounds like you are trying to think of his feelings rather than your own which while admirable would actually lead to him getting hurt in the future if he wanted a relationship with you. You dont sound like you want a relationship with him rather just to know that he understands why you did what you did.

It sounds like you could end up being pushed into an uncomfortable position in the future if he did want more than you intend to give.

Remeber if your feelings change in the future you can then register, it doesnt have to be now or never x

FruOla · 15/08/2013 10:32

You said you did this recently, so presumably all this information you have about him now is very new - and very, very overwhelming.

You don't have to do anything now, give yourself time. What 3ismylot said : "Remeber if your feelings change in the future you can then register, it doesnt have to be now or never"

It's not a door that if you close it now, can't be re-opened some time in the future.

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