Can't Let this go!

[Dippyeggsrock]

I would really appreciate anyone's advise/ experience please.
I was adopted at birth, had a great upbringing but always felt something was missing. I found my birth family last year and managed to meet my birth mother earlier this year.
I thought the meeting went well, but then I get an email saying that she is closing the door, doesn't want to carry on contact.
I can't let it go though - I think about her every day, and I don't know how to move on from it!!

How was your upbringing with your adopted family? Were you happy? Do you place you insecurities on the adoption, and hoped those insecurities would melt away if you knew your birth mum? What was you hoping for? What does your adopted family think about you tracing your birth family?

Depending on the circumstances of your conception and birth, maybe it stirs up unpleasant memories for your birth mum? Maybe she is trying to do her best by the family she has?

I am just trying to understand what outcome you were hoping for really.

I will resist the urge to call your birth mother something nasty but how can she do this to you? I am so sorry and my blood boils on your behalf. There may well be reasons in her current family or around her guilt towards you but honestly, how fucking selfish. I really hope you can get past this and remember it is all her issues and she is not rejecting you personally but just doesn't want to face up to her past. Maybe the children she brought up are gobshites and you are doing well and that makes her feel bad too. Boo fucking hoo to her. Can you see a counsellor to talk about this? So sorry xx

Tubemole1 I had a really good childhood but something has always been 'missing'. My adopted family know that I have found my birth family and they are fine with it. I think what I am looking for is her acceptance/approval and in a strange way I would like her to say that I've done ok in life.
Roshbegosh her other kids are doing fine and I am in contact with them. She says its because of post natal depression but I am bewildered as to why she wouldn't want to know about me now!?
Perhaps I am expecting too much but I am gutted!

But you can't understand the reasons for your adoption in such a short time, surely? It might just be too painful for her, bringing back memories, unearthing secrets etc.

500internalerror I totally appreciate that so why wouldn't she just say she needs time and not out right tell me that's it? That's the bit I can't understand.

This is a very hard thing for you to go through. It's a second rejection aftre the first by your birth mother.sometimes understanding of the " facts " is not enough to help resolve the feeling involved. I'm really recommend you to seek out some counselling , there's some information here

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/adoption.html

It's very hard for those who have not been in this situation to understand how deeply it can affect you . Please don't feel bad about not being able to " let it go " , how you are feeling is totally normal . I'm so sorry this has happened :-(

Thank you KristinaM

Absolutely what kristina said. The feelings involved are nothing so easily understood or worked through by a quick set of questions. Motivations and responses are complex and nothing really to do with your feelings towards your family and about yourself.

Most people find the initial contact super intense then it works out to something more normal over time...you had this part interrupted so that is soooo hard plus it is a rejection and for the second time with you having no control. It is hard:( your feelings are completely normal

I'm really sorry to hear this, it must be v hard for you.

My dm was adopted and had a happy reunion with her birth family. However, one of her siblings (from her adopted family) had a very unsuccessful reunion and it was v sad.

No advice, but I am thinking of you.

Dippyeggrock l am coming from this from a different angle.

I was adopted at birth and like you felt there was something missing. I managed to trace my birth family--my mother was dead but l had a brother and sister.
Brother and l and our families have been in contact for a few years but now l feel l have to close the door on the relationship and have no more contact. I cannot put into words exactly how l feel but l had really hoped for a good normal sibling relationship but in reality we were 2 strangers who just happened to share the same mother.
For self preservation l have to go. The picking up and dropping contact and going no contact has almost destroyed me The final nail in the coffin happened during the week-something trivial but to me significant enough to realise that l am good enough when he wants something or support but he will not be there for me at all.

Yes it hurts and l do feel sad as l feel it is a second rejection albeit me doing the breaking off contact. To continue will not be good for my mental health.
I really feel for you and l do know how you are feeling. Counselling will be good and l am getting that arranged myself.

Keep your chin up ad PM me if you want to talk more

Dippyeggsrock I am not yet an adopter and not very experienced in all this. I do have an adult friend who traced her birth mother but the BM did not want a relationship, so maybe it is more common than might be expected.

I am so sorry you have had this terrible blow.

I really hope you will get some counselling and support and find answers from within yourself and your maybe from within your adopted family if you are looking for support. It's obvious your birth mother doesn't feel able to give that support at this time. I have no idea why but maybe she is just not the type of person who can cope with it. You are obviously a strong person to find her and be ready for a relationship and she is not up to the job, that is no reflection on you.

You are your own person and you are obviously very well-adjusted to life and this is now causing you pain but overcoming this and moving on will make life so much better for you, in my humble opinion. Being stuck a bit in the past and wanting something from your birth mum will not help you. It is putting your happiness in the hands of someone who isn't up to the job.

I am so sorry you have had this experience but please remember the good and positive growing up experiences and that you are so valuable as a person.

You don't mention your own situation, career, children/family, boyfriend etc and maybe in time when things have settled down you will find yourself looking at these more than back to your birth family. I hope that some counselling will help you to come to terms with the way things have worked out and will come to realise that these are not what defines you or gives you value etc.

Sorry, I meant that your past is not what defines you or gives you value etc.

Kristina:Ihad a similar experience. It's very very hard. I had a brilliant counsellor who specialised in post adoption. It really helped me understand it all. PM me if you want her details.