Decision to adopt?

[caitlin1982]

Hi all,

I'm new to these boards but facing a time of decision and thought this might be a helpful place to come.

I was adopted myself and had a very difficult experience of it for many reasons. Having had a very turbulent few years, I am now in a much better place having benefited from psychotherapy and am now in a very stable place in my life with a wonderful husband, career and home.

My husband and I have recently discovered that we will be unable to have children. This is devastating to me and I am coming to terms with the fact that the 'natural' course of events that I didn't experience during childhood will not be an option as an adult either.

We have always wanted children and I know we have much to offer as parents. But I know I have not sufficiently moved on from my own 'stuff' not to see myself as somewhat 'damaged' by my experiences and therefore worry I would project this onto any child we might adopt and see them also as 'damaged' and 'second best'.

My feeling is that this shows I am not in right place to be thinking about adoption and that we should wait for a few years and get on with other things in our lives before considering this again when perhaps my grief is less raw. But my husband is so keen to start a family soon.

Any thoughts?

Caitlin

I have no experience, but it sounds to me like your journey via psychotherapy is far from over and that perhaps exploring this new issue, as well as giving yourself time to adjust to what must be devastating news, would probably be a good idea. This is a momentous thing to attempt for anyone, so I would urge your DH to give you the extra time you need to come to terms with your inability to have DC naturally and get comfortable with the idea of adoption. Rushing into it when you're not ready doesn't strike me as wise either for you or your prospective adoptive DC.

I think you sound fairly sure that you aren't ready to consider the option of adopting at this point. The process can be stressful and I suspect it would magnify your doubts. You don't say what the fertility issues are but you might also like to consider donor eggs and/or sperm, donor embryos and surrogacy as well as continuing with counselling. For what its worth I believe that adoptees can make the best adoptive parent even if they weren't parented well themselves. But you have to want to do it 100%.

caitlin1982 I am so sorry to hear about your fertility issues. I wonder what exactly the issues are, could donor eggs or surrogecy be used, I am just repeating what Kew said, because I agree! Also if you would like to discuss donor eggs I do have experience of that, please pm me or reply here. There are several threads on here about that.

All the very best.

I think it may be helpful to go along to an initial 'adoption information' session where you can learn more about whats involved. If you did want to go further then the process you go through will help you decide if its for you or not before you have to commit. The social worker assigned to you will explore all your background, reasons and final decision. It could even help you, as an adopted person, to understand more about your situation.