Accidentally, shockingly pregnant after adopting 2 dd's.

[SorryMyLollipop]

Hi all,

I have had fertility problems for 10+years, adopted two half sisters (with my STBXH) 4.5 and 3.5 years ago, they are now aged 5 and 7.

Split with my husband last year, met a new partner, it now turns out that I am pregnant

Has this happened to anyone else?

I am really in shock. I am concerned about the effect that this will have on my dd's, the older one has lots of issues (around attachment) and is under CAMHS. I think this could be really triggering for her.

Also, I am concerned that when I tell people, that I may be less accepted by some fellow adopters. I know that having infertility for 10+yrs has affected my ability to feel joy for pregnant people

I am in total shock. I am the wrong side of 40, separated, don't live with my new partner and am already single-parenting two very demanding adopted children.

Has anyone survived anything similar?

Oh wow, that's a headful. OK, first thing to ask: are you questioning whether to continue the pregnancy? If so, I would seek some pregnancy counselling asap.

I'm not sure how much you rely on friendship and support from other adopters, but I'm not sure why you are concerned that they will ostracise you. It wouldn't occur to me to do so.

Your children are, of course, an important consideration. This would be a really good time for seeking help and advice from a post-adoption service, don't you think? There must be others out there who have experienced this.

Very best of luck to you.

SorryMyLollipop I want to say congratulations, and I will say it because I think it is amazing and I wonder how you feel deep down. I think you definitely need some help to manage this in relation to your lovely DDs and I hope your new partner will be supportive and that it will all work out.

The last thing I would worry about is what other people think!

I expect they will not think anything except what I think, congratulations! I'm not belittling the stress it will put you under and the potential problems for your daughters and of course Devora has a valid point, what do you want to do next?

If you want to go ahead I think you will probably have a tough time but I hope you will fit it all together and you will get the help you need from any and every quarter you can.

If you were my friend in real life I would just feel really positive for you. I really hope new partner is going to be supportive and I just want to wish you all the very best.

Thanks. I do want to continue with the pregnancy, it feels like a (very scary) gift after 10+yrs TTC. Like a tiger with a bow on?! I don't think emotionally I could go through with a termination either.

I was thinking that, as most fellow adopters I know have adopted due to infertility, I don't belong in their "club" anymore and they might find it hard to spend time with a pregnant person. I know I shouldn't care what other people think, I suppose this has really rocked my self-identity as being (and having accepted that I am) infertile iykwim.

I am terrified of being pregnant and can't imagine coping with my two plus a baby, but also I am equally terrified of letting myself believe that it is real, only for it to turn out to be a false alarm or to have miscarriage. I thought that the cruel cycle of hope and despair was long gone and this feels much more intense. I know that I will be utterly devastated and heartbroken if anything goes wrong.

Every possibility is scary.

I had a midwife visit today and they were very understanding and have referred me to a mental health midwife for extra support (automatic due to being on anti-depressants I think). Plus I have some unconnected counselling due to start next week which will be useful - perfect timing!

Post adoption support were useless when my dd was attempting suicide etc. they said they could send a SW who I don't know around for "a few visits". I said that unless its the same SW who worked with our family for 3 yrs and knows us then there is no point. They suggested that I speak to the GP and CAMHS, which I had already done. That was the last I heard from them.

Hi SorryMrLollipop, I have no experience of this at all except that I have a friend who as an adult attempted suicide. I would suggest you take a look at Papyrus www.papyrus-uk.org/ and get whatever help you can from any sector, charity, local authority, GP etc.

Really hope it continues well with pregnancy.

I really feel that even if all goes well with the pregnancy you have still had ten years of infertility, it is part of your story of who you are. We have a birth dd aged 8 and 6.5 years of trying unsuccessfully for number 2. I think infertility is part of our story even though we had a birth child! It is quite complicated. But I sincerely hope no one will feel any different to you, and if they do, just give them a chance to not meet up etc but stay in touch on line or whatever and make new friends. Really hope all will go well.

How does your DP feel?

I mean give them a chance to stay in touch without being confrunted with your growing belly! I was quite jealous of pregnant friends but have now gotten over that and feel fine around pregnant women. We are part way through home study and I am excited about adoption.

All the very best with your lovely daughters. Is your ex supportive with them?

Hi Italiangreyhound (I have a greyhound!) thanks for the link. My DP is shocked but supportive. He lives in a different city, near his 8yo DC. Don't mean to drip feed but its too much to think about all at once!

My DP is great with them and trust me, they really are a handful and then some.

Good luck with your home study, it's very interesting.

Have you looked at the Adoption UK forum? There are people in your position there who may offer advice.

Sorry, you asked if my ex is supportive with the dds, yes he has them every other weekend.

Not sure how he will take the news of my pregnancy, it may be a blow to his ego as we both assumed I was unable to conceive (his sperm count was good when it was tested)

Hi thornrose, I will look at adoption uk, thanks for the reminder, I have found them helpful in the past. I did their "piece of cake" training which was fab. Think I might need to re-subscribe.

I'm still a subscriber I'll have a quick look, see if there's anyone who can relate.

This is their Helpline number 0844 848 7900, might be worth giving them a ring.

Thanks thornrose x

Hi sorry just came upon ur thread whilst resting while my LO sleeps (!)..
I also suffered Infertility for many years, did Ivf finally got pregnant at 42! So I completely understand the complexities of being infertile and the stigma attached... I have no experience with adoption, but just wanted to congratulate you.

You have every right to feel excited...

It may be that you are too scared to feel excited in case it gets taken away from you so u might actualy just be doing a bit of self sabotage there with your worries, which is complete normal under the circumstances.

My LO is turning 1 next week, and I feel I can finally let go of the fear that of him dying...he may actually survive! (because of Ivf I had fears he wld not be around forever, he is the most photographed baby on the planet!!!... Just in case...) it's irrational but understand why I feel like that. I may actually be able to fully celebrate him being here now without that shadow of doubt which is just me preparing myself 'just in case'!

You obviously have a very complicated family situation. I do too in a different way, my OH has 3daughters, now all teenagers from previous marriage. The girls mum is a complete crazy lady with no coping skills, emotional maturity of a 12yr old etc etc, verbally abusive, controlling, narcissistic etc has majorly emotionally abused her kids in so many ways.

2of them have been completely destroyed by her behaviour, and they have paid for it in social consequences (can't even go in to it too tragic for words).. But I wanted to say, me having a baby has really helped unify us as a family. I waited for a very long time because I knew the youngest wld find it very difficult to adjust, but aft we had yet another tragedy with the girls, i decided then and there it was my turn to choose some thing good for my life, instead of worrying always about the girls needs whilei felt empty. Because I couldn't control what happened in their life no matter how hard I tried.

Having our bub has been a real blessing, and the girls love him and it has given them new meaning in life. Sorry about the rave, Hope it makes sense, but just wanted to give u hope that t may not be as bad as u think. Our lives will never be normal, so we have to make the best of our situation, sometimes it's unreal, other times it's awful, but it's our life and defines us in all ways.

All the very best to you, I'm sure you are strong enough and it will be rewarding. Just make sure you get lots of support from whoever is supportive and keep away from those who aren't. U may be quite surprised at the people u thought wldnt be supportive are often thrones who are and shockingly the ones u thought u could rely on u actually can't!

Fate has a funny way of leading you in directions u never dreamed of, make the most of it if you dare. Sending you positive vibes!

Thanks cabbagehead! That's a lovely post, I am definitely self sabotaging because I daren't believe it's true.

Oops, posted too soon.

It sounds very difficult with your step daughters, how lovely to have a new positive focus for you all
And how lovely for them to have you in their lives

We have family members who have 2 adopted children because they couldn't have any and then out of the blue they had their own. It worked out with the general 2years between each and has never, as far as I can see, been a problem. All the DCs are very close and the extended family have never made any difference. The couple are still together which makes it easier.
. They may love having a baby in the house.
It must be thrilling as well as scary! I do hope it all goes well for you.

Maryz - thanks for that! I am worrying about going to antenatal classes locally in case it "outs" my two as adopted, I am proud of adopting them and we are open about it but it's not everyone's business I suppose, not everyone needs to know?

I am very glad to hear from someone who has survived it

I know someone who fostered and then adopted a family of 4, after over a decade of fertility problems and miscarriages, then ended up pregnant, with it sticking as soon as the adoption was finalised.

I haven't adopted myself, but what you have done for the children you adopted is provided them with a stable and loving home. You also adopted them as pre-schoolers who already have a bit of life behind them with all the problems that brings, which not everyone who adopts is willing to do. I don't think anyone has any right to criticise you for getting pregnant after so many years of problems. The appropriate response should not be "how dare you", but "congratulations".

SorryMyLollipop hi how are you doing?

I guess with the antenatal class you are going to need to decide what to say, you could chose to talk about your children and just say you wanted a birthing class this time, or you could say they are adopted or you could not talk about them. It is of course up to you what you say.

In fact one thing you can say is I don't want to talk about that! People might assume that your daughters are not your birth daughters or because it was with your ex and you are now with a new partner people might assume you don't want to talk about your ex because your new partner will be offended/you will feel sad etc etc. Another thing that people may assume is you had a very stressful birth with one or both of your daughters and don't know want to talk about it!

I don't know much about adoption but I do know about antenatal/post natal classes! I also know people can be pretty nosy and want to talk about a lot and a birthing class will be full of people who might want to talk about how they feel! So you might end up being the person who listens a lot! When you are through the classes you may find some people become real friends and then what you decided to tell them is up to you.

I do really recommend an antenatal class they are very helpful. You may get a lot out of the class and if you do make some good friends that can be a plus.

I can give you an example of my own expereinces. We have one birth child and she is 8. We did two birthing groups, one called Parentcraft (run by NHS - not sure of they still run it), it lasted over about 8 weeks and was daytime with some evening sessions. It also had a post natal element and led into a baby massage group.

The other was NCT, which was evening time for couples if they wanted to come with some daytime sessions (maybe just one, can't remember now) and that was for the pregnant women only. In the case of the NCT group we met up only once after the course and did not stay in touch.

With the other course we ended up staying in touch and I still see two of them regularly.

You may wish to not say too much at the start and just see how you feel when you get to know people. It's just my opinion. I am sure no one will feel it is funny if you tell less at the start and more later but I would avoid being too elaborate.

Hey sorry... I just had an idea... U could ask Angelina Jolie ha ha ha! Since they have both adopted and birth kids.. Actually a friend of mine is from a family of mixed and adopted and never heard of any problems with them... Kids just need to feel loved and secure I think..

My antenatal class was great, I did feel weird at first being ivf and we were the oldest couple and of course my DP already had 3 kids! But after getting to know everyone, turns out we weren't the only ones with weird or difficult situations. We went on to form our own mothers group with ALL of the mothers from the class and still are very supportive of each other a year later. I may have just got lucky tho who knows.

Haven't gone through anything similar but just wanted to say congratulations!
I imagine its a bit (very) daunting I hope you get to enjoy it soon - you've waited a long time! You'll be in good company- I know two people who are pregnant for the first time in their 40's. SIL is 43 and a fellow parent at the school is 42. Both kept it quiet until they showed and both in second relationships.
Both also very, very excited.
All the very best
x

Congratulations. Please enjoy this special time no matter what your circumstances.

How's it going, sorry?