I am adopted...

[34PinkLadyApple]

...and I'd just like to post here to let you all know what a wonderfull thing you are doing. I am 34 now and was adopted from birth. My (adopted) parents had 2 miscarriages and a still born so decided they couldn't face another pregancy going wrong but desperately wanted children.

I have an older (adopted, not natural) brother and we have both always known we were adopted as our parents didn't want us to find out later in life and resent them for keeping it secret. To be honest, I would have had my suspisions because they are both short with dark hair and I am tall with fair hair . My middle name is my birth mothers name which was a lovely thing to do.

My mum told me at about 14 years old that there was a envelope in her dressing table drawer with details of my parents if I was ever curious and that she wouldnt be upset if I wanted to look at it, with or without her knowledge. She also said she would be happy to help me if I want to try and contact them. This to me was an amazing thing to do. I said, I would never look without her knowledge and asked to see it there and then to put it to bed, so to speak. We went through the paperwork, sceening documents, mother and fathers names and ages and reason for adoption (both were only 18 years old and not married, in 1978 that was frowned upon more than today plus my birth mothers parents were very well to do and I suspect there was a element of shame involved).

Anyway, I have always been curious about my birth mother but it's more of a nosey part of me than a feeling that I've missed out in anyway. I'm not longing to meet her, niether am I in the slightest bit bitter towards her! not by a long shot! I am EXTREMELY grateful she continued with the pregnancy and had me adopted, I could easily have been terminated. I'd love her to know I feel this way but not sure how I would go about letting her know without actually meeting her. I'd like to be a fly on the wall and see what she looks like and whether there are any other children now. I think I would like to know that a child I put up for adoption was having a lovely life and didn't resent or hate me...

It's difficult because she probably has a whole new life now and may not want it dragged up again.

Sorry for the rambling, I just wanted you all to know that being open and honest about the adoption is definately to best policy from the childs point of view and although it may be painful to think of them being curious a few years down the line, it's not personal, just curiousity, go with it.

If anyone knows how I might send my birth mother a message, please let me know. I'd love to tell about my life and that I'm currently 3 months pregnant.

What a lovely post. I am so happy you have had such a great life. I hope my adopted DD feels as you do when she's an adult.

My DDs birth mother has just been contacted by one of her other dc who was adopted. She had put a message on a site for adopted children and birth families. I will try and find out the name for you, although I'm sure someone will come along soon with advice.

Hello PinkLadyApple, what a lovely name. Thank you for sharing your story. I am not sure what to advise you as I am neither an adoptive parent (yet) nor a person who was adopted. I guess if I were in your shoes I would contact the country council or charity who handled your adoption and take it from there. I think letting your birth mum/dad know how well everything has gone would be a very good thing to do. But I am guessing some counselling or at least a talk to someone experienced in tracing birth families would be very helpful. I really hope it all goes well.

Hello PinkLadyApple

I second what Italiangreyhound said.

I never wanted to know until I had my ds1, and went to a family finding unit which was close to where we lived at the time. I wouldn't do it without some sort of intermediary even just for a letter.
Your post is lovely, I too posted my story on here as I wanted adopted parents to know how they are appreciated.
Many years ago I was told of the adoption contact register I'm not sure if it still exists. It isn't cheap though and there is no guarantee that the birth parent (s) will have registered for contact.
For some weird reason I knew that I had not been wanted, nobody had said anything I just knew somehow. My case was unusual though and most cases I have heard of from your time the child was very much wanted.
Please feel free to pm me anytime if I can help at all, or if you just want to confide in another adopted person.

I came on here tonight to ask if anyone knew of a forum for adopted people. Or if anyone would object to a long running thread on here. I often think I would like to chat about the pros and cons.

morethanpotatoprints I can't imagine anyone objecting to a thread. I think it is wonderful for us prospective adoptive parents to get some sort of idea how people who have been adopted feel when they are all grown up, and along the way too.

Italian

Oh tis a very emotive subject though and I would never ever want anybody or myself to upset an adoptive parent. You are all such wonderful parents and do a fantastic job, and are so selfless.

There is no way I would have had the wonderful life I had if I had stayed with my birth family, they are not nice really. I think too many people including adoption agencies believe that the children of the 1960's were wanted but societal stigma and pressure were the reason for their adoption. I was even told as much, hopes built up in various ways to find the real truth that I was sooooooo not wanted.

My real parents wanted me very much and were the best parents anybody could have wished for and I miss them tremendously now. I am very much proof that blood isn't thicker than water. When I think they adopted three of us and each time they had to go to court 3 times. Mum said the worst part was the wait in case the parent (s) changed their minds, she said that part was hell.

What a great post. Thank you.

It would be lovely for us adoptive parents to be able to read about the experiences of adopted adults.

I hope you find a way to contact your birth mother.

Goodness no one would object, this is the adoption forum, not the adoptive parents only forum! An adoptee thread for stories, support, help and advice etc sounds like a good idea to me :)

PinkLadyApple - Hi and what a lovely post :) Do you know which adoption agency handled your adoption? They may still have files and helpful things, which you can ask to look at if they are available. Files may have extra details about the adoption which you may find useful to know

You can also contact intermediary agencies, like NORCAP, After Adoption etc who can advise and assist you

PinkLadyApple.

I have just realised that you of course being much younger than me were adopted post 1975. It may be easier for you to find details because the law changed pre 75 and details were more easily available. I'm not sure if this makes a lot of difference but thought it worth a mention.
In my time (old bird here), the birth parents were told under no condition would their details be passed on to the child. I think this was good protection for the parent (s) but not necessarily for the child. Anything could be put in the records that the parents believed would never be questioned. Oh the lies that were in my information were unbelievable. I still don't know if the name given for my birth father was real. Nor, if he even knows I exist, how weird.

That is such a lovely post pinkladyapple. I am an adoptive parent of two children and about to become a guardian to my first Grandchild . The road has been rocky and very painful for us all . I think the reality of adoption now means the children are often ( though not always ) from very troubled families and have experienced trauma . I live in hope that my troubled daughter will turn her life around . It is so lovely to hear an adopted child speak with such love about their adoptive parents. Thank you from a battle weary mum ( smile)

There are adoption contact registers for different parts of the uk. You coudl leave your details or a letter with them.if your birth mother or other members of your birth family contacted them they would pass it on to them. AFAIK you can leave as much or as little information as you like.

Adoption register for England and Wales www.adoptionregister.org.uk/site/page.aspx?pid=48

Adoption register for Scotland
www.birthlink.org.uk/adoption_contact_register.htm

Register for Northern Ireland
www.nidirect.gov.uk/tracing-and-contacting-birth-relatives-and-adopted-adults

There is also one for ROI
www.aai.gov.ie/index.php/information-a-tracing/contact-preference-register.html

I'm so pleased my post has been well received as I thought it may have been a bit indulgent? Me me me type of thing! Thank you all for the help and links. I might have a look at them this weekend.

Congratulations frankie on your first grandchild

34, what a lovely post, and congratulations on your pregnancy!

Lovely post. I'm an adoptee and it was only when my biological clock started ticking that I really started to wonder about my BM and then found it pretty emotional when I gave birth and had young babies. I also think adoptive parents today are pretty brilliant. Adoptees always come with a certain amount of baggage but especially today now they tend to be older and already have a life experience. I know it's a cliche but it really takes someone very special.

sammisatt and 34 - i think its very common for these kinds of life changing events to trigger a need ot know more about birth families.

You shouldn't feel uncomfortable about discussing such things on this forum, I would hope that we are all supportive of everyone in the adoption triangle. As Lilka says this is an adoption board not an adopters board.

As for "Me me me type of thing" - I think just about every thread I've started is one of those Such is the joy of mumsnet that you can indulge in it here!

"I also think adoptive parents today are pretty brilliant." why thank you - I am. I'm not sure its anything to do with adoption though - I think I'm pretty brilliant generally.

To be fair DS was adopted young with relatively little trauma and he is a cracking boy so it is rather easy to be brilliant without trying too hard!

I wish to confirm that Kewcumber is pretty brilliant generally

ha ha ha haaa! I have a cheerleading squad!

haven't seen you for ages it seems - are you down in the summer again?

Yup ill be down at the end of may.i thought I wouldn't be able to manage due to wedding plans but someone has kindly got me a ticket. Fancy a mini meet up?

< tumbleweed>

Pinklady how is it going?

morethanpotatoprints thank you for sharing. I am sorry you were misled and glad that you had such wonderful parents. Can you say what made them so great? Just to give me a few pointers! I have an 8 year old dd and am hoping to adopt. Any words of wisdom from your own experience owuld be wonderful, you can PM me if you prefer not to post here!

Me, me, me is fine, fine, fine.

PinkLadyApple. I am sure your BM has spent all the intervening years thinking about you, loving you and hoping that you were having the good life that you are indeed having. I am sure she would want to know that, and to know you, but you are right to be careful - she may not have shared the fact of your birth with her current family, or indeed anyone, possibly so please tread carefully, as I can see you are intending to do. You sound like a truly lovely woman and I have a feeling your BM will be like you too.... good luck. I know that your BM would not be happier than to learn you had a happy childhood.

oops sorry KrisM will PM and set up separate thread