So DS now has a half sibling too

[loflo]

DS has a whole sibling that stayed with birth mum and dad who then split up. Birth mum had another baby recently which is a half sibling to DS. I don't know why it makes me feel so sad but it does :-( Sad for DS who is an only (but doing so well), sad for those poor wee babies who are being dragged up or sad for myself because I'll never know what it's like to go through pregnancy and childbirth. Please someone give me a shake.........

This popped up in active and I didn't realise it was an adoptions thread, so I have no specific insight into how you are feeling I'm afraid.

However, I can completely understand why this has upset you and I think it's ok to let yourself feel sad about that which you cannot control (and perhaps this new reminder of that very tiny fragment of your DS's life that he spent inside this other woman). Feel sad, have a cry then hopefully put it behind you and get on with enjoying your DS.

I'm not going to shake you, but I am going to sympathise. Your feelings are rational and entirely reasonable. To take each one in turn:

Sad for DS who is an only. Yes, and one of the things you may have to help with deal with is the knowledge that he was the only child in that family that ended up getting adopted (so far). That may be a big issue for him. I have a similarish situation with my own dd, and it doesn't feel good.

Sad for those poor wee babies who are being dragged up. Yes. What else can be said?

Sad for yourself because you'll never know what it's like to go through pregnancy and childbirth. This is a huge loss, and many of us here will understand it. I have actually been pregnant and given birth: it was a hugely important experience for me, and I am so grateful that I finally got to have it. It may or may not be helpful if I say that it feels quite separate from my experience of parenting, all the same. So different that I didn't feel the need to do it twice, and had my second child through adoption. I'm not saying this to minimise the pain this is causing you, but to say that it is an experience in and of itself and you shouldn't feel guilty or in any way disloyal to your DS when you get those feelings.

So be gentle with yourself. Adoption is a wonderful experience, but also intertwined with loss - yours and your child's.

Devora said it

No one here will shake you. It's ok to feel sad for your DS, for his siblings, and to feel the loss of not being pregnant

I remember feeling sad for DD2 when her little half siblings were born. There were 2 born after she came home. One very soon after, and I didn't think on it a lot because I was so busy trying to cope with her arrival! No mental energy left over. But when the youngest little boy was born, I really felt it. Initially he was not going to be removed so I was facing up to DD asking questions about why there was a younger sibling staying but not her. Although that all changed when he was voluntarily placed in care, and about 18 months later he was coming through my front door!

Be kind to yourself. I do understand the upset, and most of us here will understand it

What Devora and Lilka said (and Never, who seems to understand the adoption dilemma, which is rare in someone who isn't living it ).

Ok to be sad, for you and for your ds and for his siblings.

But (and this is a big but), there is nothing to be gained from wallowing. Live your life, and your ds's in the best way you know.

I feel sad that dd has siblings she will never know. And I feel sad that ds1 might have siblings, but none of us will ever know.

And sometimes I feel bad for ds2 as ds1 and dd are his only siblings, and they might one day find others to replace him.

Adoption brings up all sorts of dilemmas, and contradictions, and sadness. But also great joy. And it is the joy, and the positivity that we have to cling to, as much as we can.

Just as a matter of interest, are you thinking of adopting a second time?

Thank you all - it's just taken the wind out of my sails. We always said we would consider a sibling and we were approached when the full sibling was born. However the court decided to return baby to birth mum (apparently its ok to nearly kill a child tho and then we all deserve second chances) so we were dumped from a great height. So def no more for us short of a miracle and I also know that makes sense for DS on lots of levels. I think it's just the unfairness of it all.

Thanks again for the non judgemental listening