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Birth mother contact

16 replies

sudka1 · 27/12/2012 21:40

Just wanted a bit of advise really. It's been mad year for me - I have got in contact with my birth brother and sister and uncles (both maternal & paternal) and various cousins. They are all lovely, accept me unconditionally and we are in fairly regular contact. This is fantastic and I am so pleased that I have started to forge some kind of a positive relationship with them. The person I am frustrated with is my birth mother. I had an email from her outlining what happened all those years ago and that although she hopes I have a successful life she doesn't want anything more to do with me. Her prerogative I suppose but now I am thinking how I can past this. I want more than anything to have some kind of contact with her but she doesn't want to -can't stop thinking about her. Does it ever get better??
Thank you

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bonnieslilsister · 28/12/2012 01:38

Do you think she has been living in denial about you. To meet you would make it very real and remind her of the pain of losing you. Just a thought....probably not very helpful but I just wanted you to know someone had read your post.

Have you emailed her back to explain how important it is to you?

Italiangreyhound · 28/12/2012 02:36

Sudka I have no experience to draw on but also just wanted you to know your post had been read.

I am very sorry your birth mother doesn't want to have anything more to do with you at this time. It must be very painful and difficult. On the more positive side there are other birth family members who accept you and see you.

I have no idea how these things work out in terms of time, it may be that sometimes it takes a long time for people to come around to new things, and it might be that in the future your birth mother may changes her mind and comes round to the idea of contact.

In the meantime, I just wanted to encourage you that there are people in your birth family who have a positive response and also that I am sure you are a lovely person. I say this because you sound caring and brave. Very brave to have tracked your birth family and made contact etc (I am sure) takes courage, so please don't allow this situation with your birth mother to sadden and spoil things for you.

I know you say you can't stop thinking about her and I am sure that is perfectly natural, and you have not done anything wrong, and in fact have done something wonderful (I think) by finding her and giving her the chance to know you.

Maybe she will come round, or maybe in time it will come to be less crucial to you. Or maybe both. But whatever happens, please remain strong in yourself and focus on the good and positive parts of your life.

All best wishes.

TheTragicClam · 28/12/2012 12:49

Hi Sudka - again, can't offer particularly specific advise, but just wanted to say that it's quite natural for you to be curious about your past and wanting to know more from your birth mum. And sadly, it's also natural for her to have an unexpected reaction. It must be hard not knowing what her motives are now, and what they might have been all those years ago.

I would say, give it some time, and perhaps creating stronger links with other members of your birth family might be a good way to "break the ice".

Good luck with it all - and keep strong!

Best Wishes

Devora · 28/12/2012 21:29

I am so sorry - I can only guess at how devastating this must feel for you.

Are you getting any kind of professional support? From After Adoption, for example?

sudka1 · 31/12/2012 03:03

Thank you everyone for your replies. I am going to continue to strengthen my relationship with the other birth family members that I have got on contact with-they are fantastic and are massively supportive but I will always have this niggle about contact with my birth mother. I guess I have waited this long a few more years won't hurt ! Bonnieslilsister-I would to write to my birth mother and tell her exactly how I feel-not sure if that would push her to avoid contact even more. I have a lot of thinking to do and who knows 2013 might be the year!! Thanks again for your support. Smile

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sudka1 · 31/12/2012 03:09

Devora -I found them on my own and i thought I could handle it by myself!! I do have support but not professionally and my friends in RL don't really understand although they are trying!

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Italiangreyhound · 19/01/2013 21:49

Hi sudka I hope things are going well, or better.

I've been reading this website from the USA. It is rather anti-adoption and of course in the USA there is a different situation from the UK. One bit that did seem interesting was a page about writing to your birth mother. I wonder if this might interest you. Please do not be offended at my posting it.

Please take the whole website with a pinch of salt as is a specific website aimed at birth mothers which I stumbled onto when looking at adoption issues!

sudka1 · 29/01/2013 11:16

Well things have started to get better. My birth mother and I have starting emailing and it seems that she may be getting over the shock!
Might even be speaking on the phone this week - watch this space!
If anyone has any advice/experience with what on earth one says to a woman after 30+ years please let me know.

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Italiangreyhound · 31/01/2013 00:02

Good news. Hope it goes well.

GingerJulep · 17/02/2013 12:58

I know it isn't often done (and isn't often possible) but what about contacting your birth father? It sounds as though you are fortunate enough to already know some aunts/uncles on his side?

They made you together and you half his genetic inheritance so possibly an avenue worth exploring just as much?

sudka1 · 27/02/2013 13:31

Thanks GingerJulep - my biological father actually knows all about me as they married a year after I was adopted and are still together.
I got a call from my biological mother and it turns out she is coming to the UK and asked if I wanted to meet her! I can't believe the U-turn - last summer she didn't want to know about me and now she is wanting to meet up. I am so nervous but it is an opportunity I have to take.
My biological father is in shock I think - he has said he doesn't want to contact me at all - maybe time will change that as well.
I didn't think I could top 2012 but I think meeting my biological mother in 2013 might just do that!!

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KristinaM · 27/02/2013 20:13

That's great news,I hope it works out well for you

GingerJulep · 27/02/2013 22:27

Good luck!

Italiangreyhound · 27/02/2013 23:23

Excellent news, hope it all goes well.

Lilka · 28/02/2013 00:03

Hope everything works out and good luck to you :)

sudka1 · 28/02/2013 16:04

Thank you - fingers are definitely crossed!! Smile

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