Having a real wobble

[Hayleyh34]

Hello,

We received the Later Life letter from SS today. The SW said that I should wait until I'm with my husband to read it but I didn't....

Am now at work feeling really sad. There were obviously no new surprises in there but i just felt sad reading it all again.

To any of the "older" adopters, do you ever make peace with whatever your children went through before they came to you?

Sorry for another gloomy post, I'm not normally like this at all!

I accept that what happened did happen. Not in denial or anything like that

But, when it comes to the older ones, especially my eldest, I certainly don't feel 'at peace' with it. I still feel sad and angry, helpless and a bit hateful. Maybe that will never change. I'm better than I was, the counsellor I was seeing was very helpful

I don't feel that way about my DS. His backstory is much less traumatic. I can think about it more readily and of course I do feel sad for him, because he has to work his head round it at some point, but this is pretty normal and natural I think

And I think what you feel is normal and natural as well

I'm not fully sure what 'at peace' means when you say it but there's nothing wrong with feeling sad about it. It is upsetting. The important thing is to accept that it did happen, whatever the strength of your feelings about it

Thanks Lilka. My DD was a lot luckier than some children and doesn't have a too traumatic past. I just think that sometimes when you read reports and stuff it just seems so stark.

We've had DD for over 2 years and none of it has really effected me before. I think it has because I'm finding things difficult at the moment.

Many thanks for your response

Hi Hayley so sorry to hear you are distressed. I am not sure what a Later Life letter is, it sounds like you are finding out new information, but it may be that you already knew this information but had not seen it all in this format.

I am NOT yet an adopter so cannot offer any advice or guidance on this. I am a parent and I know that I feel very hurt or upset when my DD (now 8) has any problems or difficulties. I know it is different but I wanted to just say that sometimes she is upset over problem at school with friends or work (she is probably dyslexic) and I feel very bad for her, yet she is mostly a happy child. I have no idea how your little one is and of course nothing can remove the initial sense of sadness that one feels about the hard start some children have in life (and as Lilka so rightly says anger and hate) and yet I guess I would just say that the future is a very key thing too, and how your dd comes to terms with her past and how she feels about it etc, will be the key things even more than what actually happened in the past. This is just my personal opinion and not at all based on your situation, so feel free to ignore me totally.

All best wishes.

By work I mean SCHOOL work, my dd struggles with reading and writing (as I did) and I don't mean I am sending the poor girl out to work.

Hayley, I know exactly what you mean. I got the later life letter fairly recently, and it is upsetting, even though you already know what will be in it. It really brings to life that this is a story you will have to tell your child, probably many times, and though you can communicate it better or worse, it will always be sad and difficult.

Hayleh, we're still waiting for our letter as ds is very newly home, just two months. I am dreading and looking forward to it in equal measure as I've found it really hard to come to terms with his story.

Ds was relinquished and has no "drama" as such in his background so in a way he/we've been very lucky but in my head it just seems so sad that he was rejected in such a clear way.
I imagined and in my head was preparing that when we adopted it'd be a sad story but that I'd get to say things like "your mother loved you but couldn't care for you" etc. Maybe that is what I should say I don't know. Adoption is never fecking like you think is it?

Anyway, I suppose I'm coming to just accept that it is what it is even if I find it hard, but it is hard.

Hope you feel better about things soon.

Juno -I agree, your ds s story is tragic and he's not lucky. All ours kids stories are tragic. They deserved to be born into families who woudl love and care for them. Instead they got parenst who didn't love them enough to get clean or sober. Mothers who didn't love them enough to leave their violent partner. Families who Coudlnt care for them because of learning disabilities or mental illness.

Then they were also let down by their whole extended families. Because,in normal families, if a couple have a child they can't care for,they get taken in by granny or auntie. They don't get put in care.

So no, they are not lucky, they are bloody unlucky and it's not fair. They don't have to be grateful that they weren't abused," only " neglected or abandoned.

Is it better to have your partner leave you for someon else or to die? Is it easier to have them die suddenly in a accident or slowly from cancer? Do we expect widows to be grateful because their husband didn't intent to leave them?do we tell those whose partner abandoned them that " s/he loved you but Coudlnt stay with you any longer? " ? " s/she loved you enough to set you free? "

How woudl you feel if your parent came home to tonight and said " I love you so much I'm leaving you so you can find soemone else who is richer /better looking /more financially stable " ?

Woudl you be pleased because they were doing their best for you, because they loved you so much?no you bloody woulndt.you woudl know that they were leaving because they had a plan for their lives that no longer included you. Probably because they had met soemone else . You would be very angry and you woudl have a right to feel that way. Because they committed to you and they have let you down. They promised to stay and they have broken their promise.

So why shoudl our kids be pleased that their birth family abandoned them ? That's simply not what good parenst do . And you are feeling that now about your son. And you have every right to feel like that. It's worse now that when you first met him because you know what a lovely child he is and you cannot understand how anyone coudl give him up. They did it for their own selfish reasosn. It's their loss and your gain. But it doesn't make it right.

And in time you will have to help him coem to terms with this in his own way.

Hope I have the right words Kristina.

Reading again, I hope I haven't implied that ds being relinquished is harder/better or something. Just that it's surprised me how difficult I've found it.

It's not better of worse is it, it's just different. Painful in a different way. There are no easy stories. TBH It's good that you find it difficult, it shows you have a lot of empathy for your son and other children in his situation. That you alreday sense some of the loss that he has suffered, even though he might not be able to express it, and indeed might never be able to out it into words. And it gives me great hope that you will be able to deal with it kindly and sensitively when the time is right.

I worry more about APs who say that in their opinion their child hasn't suffered any loss, he doesn't remember it , it doesn't count, it's not real , it's all in the past now and he/she must feel and belive exactly what they, the adoptive parent, does. They have their " story" and it's the only one allowed.

Thanks everyone. devora, that's exactly how I feel. My DD was relinquished too but lots happened before she was.

I guess I'm looking ahead and wondering how she will feel reading it. No new information italian - a later life letter is a letter prepared for your child to read when they are older. It explains what happened to them clearly and is meant to help them understand their past and hear about it from someone other than their parents.

Feel a lot better today

Came across your post as we are due to have our letter soon (9 months after DD came to us!). I was sorting through all our paperwork the other day, making sure we had everything (to show her when she is ready). Reading through her background again and that of her birth parents hit me so hard.. Like you I had seen it all before, but it was just so upsetting. DD went straight to FC from birth so has had a lovely life, but as previous posters have said it still is so difficult to tell her story to her.

Glad you are feeling better :)

Thanks Happiest - 9 months seems positively speedy for SS - we've waiting 18 months for the letter!