So, where are you at?

[MyDogEatsPoop]

A 'getting to know you' thread, as I'd like to update my spreadsheet

I'll kick off shall I?

Started the process with the first (nervewracking) phonecall in June of 2010, Workshop not until July 2011(!), followed by Homestudy a couple of months later.
Finally approved in June 2012
Turned down one link as not suitable, and have a meeting coming up soon to discuss a little girl!

[Lilka]

Sadie, I'm sorry things are so hard right now

Focus on the practical things you can do and make yourself do them. Making a simple dinner, going for a walk, giving dc's a bath, be busy as much as possible. I think you are in danger of falling into a vicious circle if you stop engaging with them and providing care (do you mean practical care as well as the emotional care?) where you aren't doing much, so you focus more on how rubbish you feel and that makes you want to withdraw even more. Make yourself interact a bit more with DS2 when you're doing things with him

It's not really the same, but I really remember weeks when DD1 was very challenging and a lot of me wanted to pull the covers over my head, refuse to get out of bed and not engage with her because everything I did and said was wrong. She had a routine, but I really had to make myself follow a rigid routine as well, including when she was in school. After dropping her off, I will do this, then I will do that, and so on. Can you give yourself a bit of a routine of things to do?

If you think this feels exactly the same as when you previously had depression, then I wouldn't wait so long (not several months) before going to see the GP

[Serenity70]

Hi Sadie,
sorry to read that you are having another hard day. Keep writing here and do get some help. I started taking a herbal remedy for calming and relaxing and especially sleeping at night. I very much recommend it: Clipper sleep easy organic infusion (via amazon or any big supermarket). it contains - amongst other things - valerian root. Even better for me was Valerian root drops. search for "valerian root extract" on amazon. A few of those into a glass of water.
If you had depression before and you know other things work for you, do no hesitate to try those. I hit rock bottom during introduction week. I found it so stressful, that I stopped sleeping for three nights, then could only nap for several more and on top I could not eat or keep food down. Needless to say I was run down and THEN the children moved in. I felt like i had made THE biggest mistake in my life.
But you know ( and I did) in your head (though currently not in your heart) that you are not in a good position to make decisions because you first have to get yourself into a better place. I agree with Lilka, do engage with your LO, but be kind to yourself as well and do not expect it to be fun. Just do something for or with him every day. Does not need to be much.
Fingers crossed and let us know how you get on.

As for myself - not having a great day myself. Am totally hormonal 9periods - urgh!), shouted at 2-year old already (because he is pushing his boundaries and my buttons) and feeling pretty rubbish about it. Of course he is good as gold now so I am confused as to whether he needs a very from hand (but shouting??) or whether I would have gotten to the same blissful state of affairs without the shouting perhaps. Wait, I think I can figure this one out myself ;-)

Laters

[Kewcumber]

I also wonder whether it would be worthwhile your DH taking DS1 out and leaving you to deal with DS2. It's not something I would normally advise but I am a single parent so I had no option but to care for DS from day 1 - whatever I felt. Its the act of caring that starts the bonding process and you are being allowed to duck it.

Whatever your feelings re DS2 and whether they will grow as was the case for all of us, you are an adult and should be capable of physically caring for DS2 regardless of your feelings in the matter. If you aren't even able to look after him then I would suggest that you are depressed and as Serenity suggests think about coping strategies that you had before.

DS1 is fine - a few nightmares isn't the end of the world, he is safe and secure with both of his parents engaged with him - really this isn't going to traumatise him and I think you need to try to stop focussing on that because you're using it as a handy cop out for why you feel this way.

You feel this way because babies are bloody hard work and even harder work when you don't love them and its terrifying to wonder if you've done the right thing. But you're not going to bond if you choose not to and avoid doing anything which helps that. It's also not fair on your DH to be doing everything so "man" up and start pulling your weight and reassess in a few weeks how things are going.

And it isn't going to miraculously change overnight because you had a good nights sleep!

I know I sound harsh but I think you do need to accept that you took on the responsibility to look after this child and so you must. What you feel about him is irrelevant. You can choose to listen to everyone on here and your SW about how this is absolutely normal at this stage and get on with things or you can choose to feel sorry for yourself and treat this child like an inconvenience that you ignore. That is now the choice you have to make. EVen a tiny choice - to look after DS2 for an hour everyday whilst your DH takes DS1 out - will be enough to show yourself that you can do this.

[Kewcumber]

Oh lordy -I sound really horrible! I know it's hard Sadie, I've been there, we all have. But please try to listen to what we're saying.

[cedar12]

I hope your ok Sadie. I found it a lot harder than dh when ds came home. But the best thing we did was to have time with each of them seperatley for a few hours. The child psychologist recomended in fact. Keep posting, and i hope today has been ok.

[funnychic]

Hi Sadie sorry your still feeling awful but I have to say that I agree with the others. Can you at least try to do some practical things for your little one, like feeding, bathing, changing nappies? There is no way you are going to know how you really feel if you are not engaging with him in anyway.

I really do feel for you, but I do think you should try and engage and then if no improvement in your feelings then at least you can say you tried and then make a decision about all your futures knowing you made an effort.

Best wishes I do hope things improve xx

[KristinaM]

Sadie, I'm sorry things are so hard for you. I think you shoudl trust your instinct that this feels like depression coming back again. You need to make an appointment with your GP tomorrow and tell him/her what you've told us on here. Being tired, stressed and not feeling any particular attachment to your child is very normal at this stage. I'm not sure that crying all day and not caring for your child at all is.

Post adoption depression is a recognised medical condition. Its not your fault and doesnt mean you are a bad mother or your won't be able to bond with your new child. It doesn't mean you've made a mistake adopting.but it does mean you need help.

Please see your GP and come back and let us know how you get on.

[sadie1]

Thank you to everyone for their advice etc. Today has been one of the most awful days I've ever had - I have the most marvellous support which just springs in to action when I put out the message, but sadly its my head I've got to deal with. I am going to see a doctor tomorrow and speak to post adoption counselling although at the moment I feel thoroughly talked out. I have various people with me all day. I did manage to make food for everyone this evening including the lo, and i held him for a bit... we shall see...certainly not in any place I want to be at the moment. But knowing others have at least been there does help so many thanks

[Devora]

I'm so sorry today was so terrible, sadie, but so glad you are seeing the doctor tomorrow. Grab with both hands at whatever help is offered. And do please keep up the contact with your new lo - it really won't help to avoid that.

[Claifairy]

Sadie, I hope today is a good day for you.

Where abouts in the country are you as my LA pays for a mums and tots group which is fantastic as we are all able to get together and chat about anything! We are all at different stages and been through different things and know how to help each other - normally with a night out including wine!

[Claifairy]

For the spreadsheet!
Info evening Jan 2011
Prep Course Feb 2011
Home study May 2011 - July 2011
Approval Panel Sept 2011
Matched Dec 2011
Home Feb 2012 - would have been earlier but Xmas in the way!

(We had been matched a week after panel but had to withdraw when more information was disclosed and we were not shortlisted for another match but our LO was meant to be)

[Fishwife1949]

Right i have a meeting tomrrow with my ssw and somone from the adoption team and lunch time so i shall let you know how it went


Oh and on a lighter note i passed my theory test today

[MyDogEatsPoop]

Congrats on that Fishy!

I might have to update myself soon as well - we had a linking meeting last week, and it looks like everything's going ahead to match us with a little girl.

[Lilka]

Oh how exciting MyDog!! Keep us updated please :)

There's a lot of people on this forum all getting linked, matched and bringing little ones home at the same time!

I hope today was better than yesterday Sadie

[sadie1]

Today has been hugely stressful and very sad. Lo is now in emergency foster care but due to all our earlier complications (including v difficult intros) we have breathing space to perhaps rebuild a life with lo if we decide that is right for all 3 of us. I just know both partner and I need to sleep on and do more thinknig and talking...thank you to everyone here for your advice and support

[HappySunflower]

Oh, Sadie that must have been a dreadfully difficult thing to do.

I hope you have a peaceful night and the way forward seems clearer to you tomorrow.

[Kewcumber]

So sorry it worked out like this sadie1 - did you go to GP? I think it would be worth discussing the depression issues with her as I'm sure whatever happens with the baby, you are going to need some support.

[Devora]

Oh Sadie, I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope this will give you the breathing space to make the right decisions. Did you see your doctor?

Get a good night's sleep x

[Lilka]

I'm so sorry Sadie. I also hope this will give you the space to make the right decisions. I hope you can get a lot of support through this. Have you been to the GP?

I hope you can get some sleep tonight and find the best way forward, whatever that is
x

[WendyGx]

I've held back from posting as I'm so frustrated about 'where we're at'! I wanted to wait until the next stage but just waiting for it is driving me mad. In terms of dates, we went to open evening August 2011, training November 2011, homestudy Jan-April 2012, approval start of May 2012 then we had to put family finding on hold. I started chemo late May and finished in August. On 12 Sept my consultant said 'we're done' and agreed to sign me off to re-start family finding. Spoke to our SW on 14 Sept who agreed in principle but needed the consultant's report. I waited patiently silently for 3 weeks and found out the SW still had no report. I called my consultant's office to chase (I know it wasn't my place as I had not requested the report) to be told they'd call back, a long weekend later they fessed up that not only had he not done the report, he'd lost the request. So I called SW asking their medical officer to re-send the request. Its been 3 weeks since and still no news. The waiting is awful and only me and my DH seem to have any urgency. I went back to work yesterday (only pt) and I'm pooped. I honestly went back just to keep busy and it worked. I was distracted. Its been emotionally draining. Getting over chemo, re-starting work and waiting for this letter and of course waiting for a match. But its too tough today, I'm so upset. I know I'm tired and maybe a match would be better when I'm stronger, but this is so draining in itself. I know its not even a year since training (and matching could take longer), but this was only put off as I had chemo in 2011 and a hip replacement in 2010, due to treatment in 2006. We'd found out in 2007 we couldn't concieve and we'd planned adoption since 2009, so its really been a good few years of waiting. God if I cannot cope now, what am I going to be like for the matching wait.
Oh what a whiney post. Someone tell me how wonderful it'll all be and it'll be here before I know it (aka hope).

[Fishwife1949]

Right had the vist with the sw from the adoption team and my ssw from fostering support to be honest i am really not sure WHY she came she said nothing



Oh was asked why he wanted to adopt again and seing that he has no issues why dosent he find somone who can have children also asked about he will feel in 10 years time the team said it was strange we had not gone for ivf and gone stright for adoption

He expained his reasons in full


Then i was asked about how my up bringing effected me and also why i dont speak to both of my parents and why i refer to them by there first names ( i hope i am not judged on my parents mistakes i can do nowt about them being toxic)
the actuall sw had no concerns helfself the TEAM wanted clarity


Also wanted to know about the money sistuation since giving up fostering would mean looseing some income
Oh just got a new job last which pays more

Also wanted to know why i hadn't mentioned a caution i had gotton when i was about 20 as i already foster for the la i a hoping to adopt from i did expain that i thought as i already foster for them i assumed she had looked at my CRB already

She said she would let us know weather we can go on to the next step on thursday


I just feel a little deflated i guess oh says it will be fine

Also she took me out on my owan and asked me if i thought about oh leaving me because i cant have birth chikdren


I satayed strong and didnt even wobble even though i had a good cry when she left not very nice at all

[LocoParentis]

That sounds bloody awful fishy. It sounds like you handled it really well tho, better than I think I would have.
It sounds to me that they will want to proceed.
Good luck

[Italiangreyhound]

Fishwife that sounds terrible. I am so sorry for you. They sound very rude. I can't believe they can ask those sort of questions about your dh. Try and stay strong. Hope that things will pan out well.

[KristinaM]

The questions about splitting up because you can't have bio kids are most unprofessional and completely inappropriate. Yes of course, the issues will be adressed during the home study but not in this manner .

[Italiangreyhound]

How you doing fishwife? Hope you are feeling more positive.