Do adoptive parents really realise what they're getting in to?

[Zavi]

I know that many infertile couples, or established families, turn to adoption as a way of creating happy family units but I wonder how many realise that having an adopted child - especially if it's not newborn(ish) - realise what they're getting in to. Children that are available for adoption almost always come from horribly dysfunctional families and that the children, unfortunately, have inherent issues, some of which will never be overcome by love/best intention.
It's my view that if childless couples/singles think that they will be able to form ready-made happy families with the type of children who are up for adoption then they are going to have a rude awakening.

[Devora]

Whats this DameKew lark - a new job in panto? A gong from the queen? MN Christmas names?

[DameKewcumber]

ah - forgot about that. My suggestion for a more grown up alternative to "girls" was "dames". My name change was part of th e campaign to have it recognised as an official term

[Devora]

Oh yes, I like dames. Has a kind of high-kicking, rum-swilling don't-mess-with-me quality

[DameKewcumber]

I think you can get dispensation Maryz - I'm sure their are non-british "Sirs"

I thought so too Devora

[DameKewcumber]

Bob Geldof has an honorary knighthood though I think technically that means he shouldn't be called Sir Bob.

[LadyWidmerpool]

'Deserving kids'?

[DameKewcumber]

They're a bit like the "deserving poor" LadyW... but younger.

[chubbychipmonk]

My God! I am adopted and this post has angered me beyond belief!! You are making out that we are all damaged goods that should be avoided at all costs!! I had a wonderful childhood with my adoptive family, as did my adopted brother. No it wasnt without ups and downs or issues but then what family is?? Your ignorance on this subject astounds me. Until you have first hand experience of either being adopted or being a parent of an adoptee then keep your offensive opinions to yourself.

[aamia]

As someone who knows a family who adopted two 'damaged' children, I can say that they knew they were taking on troubled children and were committed to providing everything those children needed. I still think they were very brave to take on children who'd spent most of their lives in foster care, where one of them has permanent, quite severe SN from drug/alcohol use in utero. Following the adoption, there was very little help available, and the parents struggled along as best they could on their own. They turned the SN child from one who kicked and bit and hit, was angry and withdrawn, into a lovely, kind, caring individual. The other went from a 'I don't care about anyone/thing' attitude, to a mature individual who tries her best, cares about others and is very happy and settled. After three long years, they have the family they dreamed of. Along the way, schools have been involved in helping them get the support they needed, and various people have criticised their parenting.

What matters to those children when you talk to them, is that SOMEONE chose to love them, regardless. Someone promised they'd always be there for them, gave them an extended family and a stable home. Whatever the arguments and the issues while they all learned to gel as a family unit, the stability and the love were there, and those children have turned into really lovely human beings, settled and content, who even now delight in being able to say 'my mum' or 'my dad'.

[Italiangreyhound]

aamia what a lovely post.

[Serenity70]

Hi,

I think kewcumbers post/answer from the 14th Sep (Friday) summed it up best - thank you for that!!
I have just recently become a mum to two through adoption.

Anne

[JSMAP]

Ive just stumbled across Zavi's post and like the majority, im confused why you posted! Its very patronising and offensive to those of us who have adopted. Do you think we apply for a child and get one handed over without any preparation! Adoption isn't an easy road or a 'quick fix to a family' and whatever your reason, it is considered. Your post comes across as a lecture and sometimes opinions are best kept to yourself, we've just had the adoption of our little boy finalised and the amount of personal questions i get asked is amazing!

[Autochthonous]

Hello. I have followed this thread with interest. This article echoes OP sentiment. Is it over-the-top misrepresentative?

[Lilka]

I don't think it is misrepresentative, I think it raises important issues. There is still plenty of bad practice going on in certain LA's, misleading parents about the Childs issues, although I think this has improved, certainly I feel it has improved since I adopted DD1 16 years ago. I was certainly not told some things which were very important, but I was told very little overall. Now I see parents meeting the fc and a medical doctor before going to matching panel and things like that. That might not be happening everywhere of course, but it's a big improvement on what was there over a decade ago.

Think I said early on in this thread, that there are definite issues around this and some of the things the op said and the article brought up. Had op been anadoptive parent struggling with these things, there would gave been an entirely different response. But the op was very odd, considering op has no personal experience. Why is she lecturing us?