Do adoptive parents really realise what they're getting in to?

[Zavi]

I know that many infertile couples, or established families, turn to adoption as a way of creating happy family units but I wonder how many realise that having an adopted child - especially if it's not newborn(ish) - realise what they're getting in to. Children that are available for adoption almost always come from horribly dysfunctional families and that the children, unfortunately, have inherent issues, some of which will never be overcome by love/best intention.
It's my view that if childless couples/singles think that they will be able to form ready-made happy families with the type of children who are up for adoption then they are going to have a rude awakening.

[Devora]

Bonsoir, I have a birth child and an adopted child, and I don't recognise the difference you describe. My adopted daughter came to us at 11 months and has always been very physically close to me. I carried her in a sling at first, rocked her to sleep in my arms, obviously changed her nappies. She is a very loving and physically demonstrative little girl who is always throwing her arms round my neck, kissing me, telling me she loves me. Interestingly, considering she has never been breastfed, she sticks her little hands down my top for comfort - in fact she and her older sister (my birth child) have agreed a fair way of 'sharing mum's bosoms'.

Stepchildren kind of belong to someone else, don't they? Adopted children don't. I have that same sense of loving familiarity and ownership over her body. I take the same pleasure from touching her, tumbling her over my lap, patting her bottom, nuzzling into her hairline. Actually, if anything I'm physically closer to her than to my birth child, who was not a physically demonstrative child (though is getting more so).

Somebody quoted OP saying that parenting an adopted child is completely different from parenting a birth child. IT ISN'T. Or not for me, anyway. In SOME WAYS it is different. But in many ways it is exactly the same. I couldn't do twin track parenting, dealing with my girls in entirely different ways. Of course they are individuals, and there are differences in how I am with them, but it is really easy to overstate this.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

No difference for me in parenting my children (one birth, one adopted) either. Interesting post Devora, DD also sticks her hands down my top in a way I had only previously associated with breastfed babies.

Bonsoir, I wonder if the more valid comparison is between parenting step child where - for whatever reason - the other parent is not on the scene. Eg I know a couple of people whose father left at birth and they have never known anyone other than their step father as their dad.

OP - you seem a bit quiet....

[Gunznroses]

I'll make a wild guess that OP is an adoptive child, going through a very rough patch with adoptive parents and therefore having a rant on here.

[Devora]

Yes, I agree with you Gunznroses that there is probably something going on for the OP. Zavi, I hope all is ok with you. If you want to start another thread to talk about it, or to PM me, please do so

[Claifairy]

I just wish OP you could meet my little boy. He amazes me each and every day with his resiliance and fantastic personality. He is such a glass half full little dude who just gets on with what life throws at him.

I don't think with my personality I could have coped with 7 moves in the first 30 months of my life but this little man has and is just adored by everyone who meets him.

I think it is you who is being naive in thinking that all adopted children react the same way.

Yes, I may have problems in the future but find me a teenager who doesn't. I know of people who have had the most fantastic upbringing but are still dependant on drugs and alcohol and had friends whose parents were dismissive of their children leading to self esteem and low confidence problems.

Adoptive parents will do more reading/research before starting the process (and during and after) than parents awaiting the arrival of their baby and are more like to look for help and support for their children as we understand the fact there will be more questions and probably not enough answers.

I forget my dude is adopted and I can't imagine how I could love anymore - it's just not possible!

He is my son.

[Devora]

Claifairy, you've made me go all warm inside...

[Happyasapiginshite]

Claifairy, I wish there was a "like" button on Mumsnet for posts like yours.

[Claifairy]

Don't make me cry!

[Lilka]

What a wonderful post Claifairy :)

I don't think the OP is coming back though, so sadly won't get to read that

[Claifairy]

I think they will still be reading!

[2MumsAreBetterThan1]

Shocked at this thread!

Of course adopters know what they are taking on, more so than birth parents in fact and usually a lot more prepared.

My birth son has severe special needs, I certainly was not prepared for that and found it very hard to come to terms with but I dealt with it because he was my child and you have no other option.

The exact same way an adopter would deal with any issues with THEIR child.

Just because the start is different does not mean the journey is.

[localstateschool]

"Of course adopters know what they are taking on, more so than birth parents in fact and usually a lot more prepared."

Exactly, I can't imagine the shock of finding out my newborn had severe SN. If you adopt you're warned, prepared, likewise you're fully briefed on the child's background and SS are there to support you. OP, you're an ignoramus to think otherwise.

[Kewcumber]

"you're fully briefed on the child's background and SS are there to support you" - this is true of the better local authorities but I don't think can be said to be true across the board.

My issue isn't that adoptive parents are unprepared for any issues that their children have but that they are just as well (in fact better) prepared than birth parents. And as well prepared and can realistically be achieved.

However I think the reality of what you face can be a great deal tougher than any of us except up front. The best we can hope for is that by the time we hit too many issues we have bonded well enough with our children for it to be no different to any parent coping with a child that has challenges more than the norm and/or that our LA's provide more help and support than is the norm for non-adoptive children.

I don't think OP is an adoptee (but really in the absence of any info we are all guessing). Her OP strikes me as being a whinge about people who say "oh we'll just adopt if our IVF fails". What she doesn't seem to understand is that these kind of "adopters" never get as far as actually adopting.

[localstateschool]

True that my post only applies to better local authorities, Kewc

What you said much better than me is they're better prepared than birth parents usually are. All parents can expect shocks in some guise at some point.

[monsterchild]

As someone who works with the kids you are discussing, OP, I am surprised you have such ignorance. Yes, many of these kids to have attachment issues, many come from bad situations, and many have more baggage than Heathrow Airport.
But I have seen some remarkable changes in these kids when a family takes them on. I had a group of 5 kids, I called them (very affectionately) my feral kids, because they had been treated like feral cats, really. the older two were terribly traumatized, one actually pulled out one of her permanent teeth because of anxiety. The other would pull out her hair. Of the younger kids, one was so parentified she wouldn?t let anyone pour cereal for her. The next had self-soothing issues. The youngest was just wild.
They had such trauma they couldn?t live together, they had always competed amongst each other for resources. They all were placed in adoptive homes. At their adoption, the oldest had a drawing for the judge; one side showed 5 flowers in a pot, with not enough water or sunshine. The flowers were sad. The other side was a drawing of five flowers each in it?s own pot with its own sun and own water. All of those flowers were happy. She told the judge this was how her family was now, all kids had their own pot and they were all happy. It made the judge cry, and he?s a pretty tough guy!
All the kids were adopted, they struggled, but they are all doing really, really well. I am glad those families were brave enough to take those kids, and stuck through the tough stuff, they were well rewarded!

[Lilka]

monsterchild - The flower drawing made me well up How wonderful they were all able to be adopted

My DD1 was seperated from all her siblings, and they are all adults now. Nearly all are doing well, including DD1. One remains a very troubled young adult (the one DD was 'inseperable' from in first FC placement) but given their background, it is remarkable what they have collectively achieved :)

[Italiangreyhound]

monsterchild THANK YOU for sharing that, it is very moving.

[runamile]

There are some lovely stories here but I must say that, despite the training I received as an adopter, I was extremely unprepared for the reality. I adopted my first child six years ago and never heard of 'attachment disorder' until I had to fill in that tick box needs form. My social worker said, 'Oh, you don't want a child with attachment disorder' so on her advice, I said I would not be prepared to take on a child with such needs. My daughter has since been diagnosed with severe attachment disorder and her hostile and aggressive behaviour makes her a danger to herself and others. She has turned everyone's lives upside down - her immediate and extended family's lives, the school's, friends', everyone who works with her. I don't blame her for this but I have been told that she should never have been placed with a family.

[Lilka]

I do understand, runamile I was also very unprepared for DD1's needs. Attachment in general (plus attachment issues or disorder) was not ever mentionned to me (approval 1995, DD placed 96) nor was PTSD or anything like that. There was little at all, except to say that there might be some initial problems but after good loving care for months/couple of years at most, everything should be fine. Of course, we ended up going through years of trauma and therapy and were near disruption at one point etc

Training never will really prepare you for reality, but I feel that since then it has got better...most prospective adopters will be told to read up on attachment etc now and so on. At least some intellectual knowledge might help parents identify problems earlier on. I was stumbling in the dark

You highlight another big problem which I don't think is going to get any better, which is some LA's placing children who might benefit more from being in residential care than in a family. If a child with moderate-severe emotional disturbance is to be adopted at all, it must be with a very robust support package, but that's not happening in many cases. Disruption rates may average at ~20%, but i know some LA's have rather lower/higher rates than that. Clearly some LA's are placing some children for adoption who shouldn't be (and a few are dishonest and misleading about the childrens issues), and some are crap providers of support.

I do love hearing the childrens 'success-in-life' stories though :)

[DiscretionGuaranteed]

I agree with WannaBe way up the thread that you hear the most terrible bollocks about "why don't you just adopt?" even on MN. I also hear people saying "oh the world is overpopulated so I'll adopt rather than breed myself" and am a bit whether anyone actually does that (feel free to tell me I'm wrong if you did just that).

But anyone who knows anything at all about UK adoption knows that you'd have to be a truly world class self-delusionist to reach the end of the adoption process without that bubble being pricked.

[DiscretionGuaranteed]

I agree with WannaBe way up the thread that you hear the most terrible bollocks about "why don't you just adopt?" even on MN. I also hear people saying "oh the world is overpopulated so I'll adopt rather than breed myself" and am a bit whether anyone actually does that (feel free to tell me I'm wrong if you did just that).

But anyone who knows anything at all about UK adoption knows that you'd have to be a truly world class self-delusionist to reach the end of the adoption process without that bubble being pricked.

[SpaceCorpsDirective34124]

So what do you think should happen to children who are in care?

[DameKewcumber]

runamile - I was probably a waiting parent at around the same time as you. DS adopted 6 years ago, roughly two/three years from application. It does make me realise how good my prep course was. We certainly covered attachment - both generally as a concept (ie the need to attach and a few pointers as to what might help) and attachment disorders as well as other common medical (being an overseas prep course) and behavioral issues with children adopted from institutions. We covered things like self soothing mechanisms which I doubt they cover on UK focused courses and some health issues that just aren;t an issue here as well as additional transition issues involving a move from one country to another - food issues particularly.

Of teh 3 day prep course, a whole day was set aside for discussion of serious issues adoptees from institutions has faced and I remember well the playing of a section of a documentary about the follow up of some teenagers who had been adopted from Romanian orphanages when they were babies which made your blood run cold. The social workers running the course did admit that conditions in those orphanages in teh 70's and 80's were probably some of the work anyone ever seen. But it was sobering to be faced with the potential problems.

So I believe I was as well prepared as its possible to be. Which of course is still not well prepared at all when the reality happens to you.

My friend adopted a sibling group and the adoption of one sibling disrupted. SS also accepted that he should probably not have been placed with his sibling (if indeed at all). A psychologust recommended a specific boarding school ( I wonder if its the one that was on TV a little while ago) or as a second best alternative trained therapeutic foster carers (if I have the terminology right) and certainly not with other children.

SS have ignored this and he has been placed in regular foster care which a birth child in the family. I suspect its a money issue.