Link has fallen through. Back to school now and not really coping...

[J3mma]

Hello chaps.

Not wishing to be a moany old sad pants but I wondered if you might be able to perk me up.

Our link with the one and two year old didn't happen. Four days after the wonderful meeting where we were told about the children, told we would be great parents for them and shown photos etc. we were told that the match wasn't good after all because the children were too aggressive and violently clingy. If you want more detail of that, it's on my blog (google twomumstwokids). Anyhow, that was a few weeks ago and I was getting there with coming to terms with it but now I'm going back to school (I'm a teacher!) and finding it hard to cope. The whole summer has been spent gearing up and then to a certain extent, grieving, and I wasn't expecting to go back to work for long (just a few weeks probably). We were told before we were even approved that there were children who were a good match for us and it would all happen very fast.

Then today we heard from another couple on our prep course that they had a meeting last week and will be going to matching panel in mid September. I'm so happy for them, I really am, but at the same time, I know their excitement, because I felt it too, and then it was all taken away.

I just feel really sad.

I was gearing up to being a mum and looking forward to Christmas and the future and now I feel so flat and sad. I'm one of the jolly lively teachers at the school (that's my role!) and I'm just not sure how I'm going to do it. My heart's not in it any more because I want to be a mum and we sort of came so close.

I managed to type that without crying so I must be improving!

Any ideas how I can get a grip?!

Oh I'm so sorry :(

It's horrid losing a link by that stage, and it's fine to grieve. You have suffered a real loss, and I don't think there is a real way to make it better, except time.

I'm a firm believer that nearly always if you wait long enough, your child/ren will find you. Waiting is the worst part of the whole process, but if I had been matched straight away I would not have my three children

The period between approval and matching was definitely the worst bit for me. It feels as if your life is on hold, your hopes rise and fall constantly, you feel so judged and found wanting. To come so close and then have it all crumble must feel devastating. I understand how you must be feeling and am so sorry.

However, I'm with Lilka. Once your child/ren arrive, you will forget about this. In fact, you'll be relieved because if this match had gone ahead you wouldn't have got to mother the children that are destined for you. That sounds very hippyish but it's what got me through the rollercoaster of the matching period.

Allow yourself to grieve. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to have faith that your children are on their way.

Sorry to hear this, but, as others have said you will look back on this time in a few years and realise why it happened, because you will have your wonderful family with you.
Give yourself time to be upset, then be ready for the phone call. Fortunately we did not have to wait for our girls, I am a very impatient person so was for the best.
You do need the perfect match for you though and it is wise to listen to your social worker.

You poor thing, that's so shite. You definitely need to acknowledge this loss to yourself and allow yourself to be sad about it, you've suffered a loss and you need to come to terms with it.

It will be of little comfort to you, I know, but on our adoption road, we had intended going to Vietnam and were on the waiting list for there. After a long wait, we were top of the list and then adoptions from VN to Ireland were stopped. I know it's SO not the same as actually seeing the faces of two children and then the match falling through. But now I look at my Russian daughter and I KNOW that all the twists and turns on our road were leading to her.

You will be ok. This too shall pass. It's shite but time will heal the pain. You will have you children, these just weren't the children for you.

Thank you everyone.

I do believe that our children are out there and I do believe that if this match wasn't right, then it's better to know. I was just so ready! My heart really isn't quite into being back at school because I'm so ready and looking forward to being a Mum.

Does that make sense?

Thanks guys. You are all very lovely and no one slapped me round the face with a wet kipper and told me to pull myself together!

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened. I do believe things happen for a reason, so clearly your children are still out there somewhere, and I hope you meet them soon.

Does anyone at school know about your situation?

Yes, school know and they are being supportive and nice.

It's just it was a few weeks ago now and usually I'm such a bouncer but today I was in my classroom and I just welled up at the prospect of a new term. I was just expecting to be back for a few weeks and then off with our new babies so I guess reality really does bite.

I just can't seem to muster up the enthusiasm I usually do. I've also been having to relay the sorry tale to all my school chums and it's just not been fun.

Usually I put my all into everything I do and right now I just feel like I don't want to, because ultimately I don't want to be there..l want to be at home with our children...

Glad you have support at school. Maybe once term gets started you'll be so busy you will get through it almost without realising (trying to see a silver lining to being a teacher at this point in the year!)

Hi there

Just read your blog and I feel awful for you. I sometimes think the sw's don't understand just how much hope and faith we put in them, we analyse every word they say and when they don't tell us straight away its a no then we automatically think of the positive outcomes and in your case that was hardly suprising. Out there your children are waiting hope it's not too long.

I have just read your blog too, from start to finish. It brings back so many memories and makes me relive the joys and heartache along the way.
I know it is easy for us to say, your family is out there blah blah blah.
But it is true, and one day soon we will be hearing about the wonderful child/ children that have been placed with you.
Try and stay positive. It will happen.

I had a small melt down at school today. Not in front of the kids. I forgot to do something, something which usually I wouldn't have cared about at all and would have just brushed off but I got all stressy and stupid and then when I spoke to my friends afterwards I got all teary.

Man, it's so frustating. I don't want to be like this, I want to snap out if it and get back to my normal, bouncy, perky self. I don't want to be this person who is on the edge of coping constantly and cries every day. I don't feel like I deserve to be this sad! Worse things happen to other people.

Eurgh.

Whinge, moan, sob...sorry! And thanks guys, you are helping lots x

So sorry you are having to go through this. You are grieving for the children you thought were going to join your family.
I remember feeling very similar to you when we stopped the fertility treatment..... Grieving for our lost children.
Adoption is not called a roller coaster ride for nothing.
Thinking of you.

no wet kippers to hand - and as several have said, I too found the time between approcal and matching the toughest time. So close and yet so far.

Chin up! (Is that helpful? )

You whinge away. Take your time. It will come right, I promise.

Adoption is a horrible process sometimes, I can feel your pain. A similar thing happened to us with a brother and sister, but we now have 2 beautiful brothers who we wouldn't have even met if we had gone ahead with the first 2 children.

As Devora said, whinge away. Only people who have been through it can understand, that's what we are here for :)

Can you think of something complicated to do whilst you're waiting. I learnt Russian (though to be fair I did have a pretty good reason!) I found it helped give me something concrete to focus on that was vaguely related but no overwhelmingly child related (IYSWIM)

Posting on MN really helps too - I posted for about 6 months before going to get DS.

Oh I'm so sorry to hear your news. I can imagine how heartbroken you must feel and it's so hard to 'snap yourself out of it' even when you know that's what you must do! Although we have a date to meet our girls and for them to move in I still can't help thinking 'what if it all falls through' and I know I'll just fall to pieces so no real words of wisdom I'm afraid!

If every I've been feeling low I allow myself a day or an evening to completely wallow - cry, eat rubbish, drink, and generally just wail at the world! Then the next day up and at 'em - go for a run, clear out some cupboards, just get busy and don't let them get you down!

And feel free to whinge away - you have every right to feel sad!!

Hello,

Just wanted to let you all know that the jolly children I teach, along with some tlc from my wonderful colleagues (and you lot) has made me feel much better.

I feel like I've got at least a little bit of my perk back!

Will post if I get any other news! Thanks chaps! X

So glad you are feeling better :)

That's great, J3emma. We're resiliant buggers, us lot. Glad you're feeling better. I'm a teacher too and have always found that it's hard to be sad for too long around kids, there's such optimism in being surrounded by them. They always say or do something that pulls you back.

Look forward to hearing from you soon then.