Where do we start?

[Karbea]

Hello,

Hoping someone here can help me get started with adoption...

Dh and I tried ivf for the first time in march and it failed. We had planned to go again in sept but after some soul searching and long late night chats we've decided not to go again, but to give adoption a good try.

I must admit neither of us know much about the process, but have some friends who have now teenage children who were adopted many years ago, and really just feel this is right for us, and hope we could give a child/children some opportunities they might not otherwise get.

But... I have absolutely no idea where to start or who to contact. Could someone point me in the right direction?
We live in gerrards cross, Buckinghamshire.

Thanks.

Hi Karbea, I am an adoptive mum of 2 boys and also went through the IVF route first. Firstly, I want to say that you have made a massive decision and well done for that. You are right about the soul searching!!

The first thing we did was go onto our local council website and search the adoption team phone number. Then we phoned them and they sent a social worker round to meet us. The first meeting was nerve wreaking (sp? that doesn't look right) but they were lovely.

It's been a while since we started the process, and I know it's different for some LA. Ours were interested in:

1. Support networks-other mums, family members, etc etc
2. Why we had "given up" IVF, although ours never pushed that we should have counselling
3. Our experience with children e.g. babysitting or looking after nieces/nephews.

There will be someone along in a bit who can go through the other ways of adopting (I think Banardo's do it) but I have no clue what these are so won't try and confuse you.

HTH x x x x

Just thought of something else....read up on attachment theory and the related issues. There are very few/no children up for adoption who are "relinquished babies" (given up by birth mum) so you will likely be placed with a child who has been removed from their family by SS for whatever reason. As a consequence, these children have issues that are very different to birth children and need a different approach to parenting.

x x x

Thanks lovesoftplay I will do some googling on attachment theory and see if I can find some books. Are the las the best first call rather than agencies? I can't quite see the difference?

well, the LA's are the ones that actually have the children IYSWIM. I have just read on another thread (I have no actual knowledge of this though) that an agency will approve you quicker but they have to then sell you as an approved adopter back to the LA to get matched. As I said, I don't have any real knowledge of the agencies but there will be someone on here who can advise you better.

We didn't even know that an agency was an option and went straight to our LA. Never had any real problems except they were quite slow :)

I knew very little when I started, and simply phoned the council, who talked to me and sent me information leaflets, then invited me to an open evening. Went from there and never considered anything else

Now it's really easy to do a quick internet search and pick up every agency in your area. You could go with your LA, a neighbouring LA, or a voluntary agency, depending on where you live. It might be well worth contacting lots of agencies which would give you the best idea of who to go with. Some are less efficient than others, some might only be looking for a certain kind of adoptive parent (e.g. might have lots of disabled children coming through the system so only want parents who could adopt those children) and so on

Voluntary agencies don't have children, they approve adopters then you have to find a child from an LA needing adoption. Because the LA's spend a lot of money assessing their own adopters, they almost always look to their own adopters first when a child becomes available for adoption. Then if they are a member of a consortium (a group of LA's and VA's which work together and can pool available adoptive parents) they look there. Last of all, they might look elsewhere, for instance profiling the child in an adoption magazine or online. The only exception I can think of would be a child who needs to be placed a long way from their birth family, in which case they may go straight for national magazines

What that means in that VA's usually deal with hard-to-place children, who none of the parents approved by the LA could adopt. Older children (4/5+), children with physical disabilities, children with emotional problems, children from ethnic minorities and sibling groups, especially with 3+ children

If you are white British and want to adopt one or two children aged 0-4 without any serious issues, then you probably need to be with a council, either your own or neighbouring county. Many VA's don't even assess adopters who don't want hard to place children

On the other hand, if you want a child aged 6-10, or a sibling group of 3 of any ages, or a child with moderate-severe special needs, then you may be better off with a VA - they tend to be better resourced and have better post adoption support than LA's

And I second Lovesoftplay - start the reading. Don't need masses of it, but you need to be aware about which children need adoption, and the issues they might face. Attachment issues are a must-know, but there are other things. The children who need adoption have been nelgected and/or abused and/or have witnesses domestic violence, and/or exposed to drugs and alchohol in utero, and/or have severe mental illnesses or learning disabilities in the immediate family etc etc. They've all had their world turned upside down by being taken away from their family and placed in a strange and frightening new one. When they get adopted their world will be turn upside down again. It's vital to be educated on the effects this could have on brain development, trust, emotions, attachments and behaviour

It's a big decision and it often comes after a lot of heartbreak. I wish you the best of luck :)

lilka thank you so much for that.

I think we would be very happy to take on a sibling group, if the children wanted us, and we would be very flexible about age. I think my first stop will be our local la.

Thanks again.

karbea, I would commend Nancy Verrier's 'The Primal Wound' to you. A child who has been separated from her mother suffers a trauma whether or not there has been abuse or neglect. The separation and attachment issues which are regularly discussed here are also evident in adults who were adopted as new born babies during times when it was acceptable to remove infants from women who were unwed. The trauma together with the challenge of growing up in a family whose characteristics may not reflect your own, present difficulties for children which can lead to the behaviours which Verrier describes. Adoption is certainly not for the feint hearted and those who take it on need to be selfless, committed and patient. You will find many such women on this forum.