thinking of adopting but already have own child

[jens42]

hi, we are considering adoption, and I already have a 2 year old son. I don't expect to adopt a baby, my idea is that by the time we have gone through the process he would be about 3.5 and we could perhaps adopt a 2 year old. my worry is having an adopted and a biological child, is it possible to feel the same and bond to the same degree and what about rest of family, in laws adore my little boy and I worry that they would make the same effort for am adopted child, what if, and I know this is awful so please don't all just yell at me, where else do I get to ask honest questions. . so what if we get matched but just don't get on with them, I am a childminder and I love all the kids I work with but some I get on with better than others,of course I professionally treat then all the same but children are only people and we are all different. I know a childminding situation is totally different from adopting situation and its about finding families for children not kids for parents but how does it work, is there a trial period, is there am element of choice or do you find that as you are adopting and you know this is going to be your child do you just fall in love with them as you would a biological child. I would welcome any advice, thanks for reading x

Hi Jen :)

Lots of questions (don't worry, any questions are welcome here) I'll try to answer one by one. I'm a adoptive parent of three, I don't have any birth children though

Bonding must be a number one worry people have! And i think it's always heightened when you already have a child. Adoptive parents who want to adopt a second child frequently feel the same thing. Honestly, it doesn't make a difference whether your child is adopted or biologically yours, that won't affect how much you love them. I couldn't love my kids any more than I do, and there are parents on here who do have both and would say the same.

Fanily is tougher, becuase you can't control how they feel although they would hopefully control their reactions! Hopefully family would be very on board as most of mine have been, but they aren't always. Talk to them about how they feel, but ultimately this is about you and your children, and if you are 100% committed you go ahead with or without your in-laws approval. I would say it's rare for family to treat kids differently, but it sometimes happens sadly. Some people have to make difficult decisions about whether to stay in contact with certain family members because they make life too difficult. At the end of the day, however much you love them, if they try to treat your children differently, you have to lay down the law firmly. Although, they may be over the moon about a second GC!

You do (generally) get a lot of information about a child before you agree to adopt them, but by the time you meet them you need to have committed to them fully. When they move in, they are legally foster children and adoptions are not finalised to several months at the earliest. Disruptions (ending the adoption) happen, but given the massive and probably very long lasting emotional trauma a child will go through if they are uprooted and moved to a new family, told it is forever, then sent back again, disruption is the last resort after major problems can't be solved

Bonding with your child can take a long time. Sometimes people find it's 'love at first sight', but others don't, and that's normal as well. After all, when you give birth to a child, you nurture them for 9 months before even meeting them and have a while to become comfortable with the idea of a baby, whereas adoption generally involves an older child with a formed personality, previous trauma which impacts how they function, and no bond to you, coming into life with little to no adjustment period!! We had a thread on bonding recently, here which you might want to read

Lastly, agencies will want a two year age gap at minimum between your son and new child, and some will want more than 3 years gap. Realistically, you may not be able to start the process until your son is 4-6, as you have to be approved for children at least 2 year younger, so if your son was 5 when you were approved you would be looking for a child 0-3 and so on

There are quite a few babies avaiable afor adoption though, and plenty of poeple adopt children aged under 2

Hope that helps, ask any other questions you like

Hi Jen, don't worry about having to ask these questions - they are fears that I think all adoptive parents will recognise.

I have a birth child and an adopted child. My birth child was 4 when we adopted a 10 month old baby; that was two years ago. And before I go any further let me assure you that I couldn't love my adopted child any more if she was my birth child - she is gorgeous and the light of my life . However, that didn't happen instantly - expect it to take at least a year to fully bond, and then if it happens earlier that's a bonus.

Sometimes friends and relatives don't accept adopted children as they should - if you read through past adoption threads you will find stories about this - and then of course you have to take action to protect your family. I love having both a birth child and an adopted child, but I recognise that my adopted child may grow up feeling insecure about this and I absolutely will not tolerate the people around us suggesting that she is not as fully part of our family, and as completely loved, as my birth child. That is completely non-negotiable. I can't control their feelings, of course, but I can insist that they do not behave destructively around my children.

I remember feeling very freaked out that there was no opportunity to meet a child before deciding whether to commit to them. But then I wonder if it would have helped, because I would have wanted to fall instantly in love with them and the truth is I'm not an instant bonder (with my birth child as much as my adopted child). What I would say is that you need to listen to your instincts when deciding on a match. Wobbly nerves is normal, but if a voice inside you is screaming, 'Don't do this!' then that is worth listening to.

Lilka is right that agencies will want at least a two year gap between your children, preferably three or four, and I think they are right to demand this. Most children are adopted between the ages of 1 and 4, though our dd came to us at 10 months. Bearing in mind that it will probably take you 2-3 years to get through the system, you could start making enquiries as soon as you're ready.

You will find that having a birth child rules you out of lots of potential matches. Simply, children who need adoption often need to be the only child, or by far the youngest child, to get them the full attention they need. Don't fight this: if the agency says a child needs to not have a sibling, then you would not be doing your birth child any favours in trying to press on. On the other hand, having previous parenting experience is an obvious advantage. Although I am strongly aware that we have not been able to give our adopted daughter as much attention as I would have liked, she really really loved her new sister from the off and I hope and believe that she has gained easily as much as she lost through having that relationship.

Best of luck to you and do keep asking questions: you're in the right place.

thank you Devora and Lilka, some brilliant points you have both made and i'm feeling really excited about it now.

I suppose its true that meeting them beforehand might not actually be any benefit and if put in a position to choose between diffrent children it would be impossible anyway. Getting a lot of information beforehand is reassuring though

Regarding family having thought about it and readig your coments i think it would be fine, the in laws would love a new grandchild and although they might take longer bonding i think they would be very supportive, they are lovely people! my parents are abroad and barely now my son so would make no diffrence! i imagine my grandad would say something horribly inappropriate but then he will about anything, when my little boy was born he said to his other 5 year old granddaughter well you wont be the favourite anymore will you!! Way to get her to accept the new baby!

I had a miscarriage recently and i had already decided this was the last attempt, adopting is something i had always thought about and the miscarriage seems almost to be a sign to go for it. I am however going to wait a few months and i have booked in for some counselling just to prove to myself that this isnt a knee jerk reaction.

The point about instant bonding is so true for me too, i didnt bond with my son straight away, it was more a sense of overwhelming responsibility not a love at first sight. Your point about it taking a year is really helpful and almost takes the pressure off.

I have has a look a local agencies and i am planning to aproach my local council rather than an independant agency, i had heard agencies have older, sibling groups or harder to place children and although in the future i would love to give a child/children like this a home at he moment i am limited due to the age of my own child and i think i will be better going to the council as they are more likely to have younger children, is this right or am i a bit misguided here.

really grateful for the fantastic advice xx

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. All sympathies.

Yes, local authorities generally have younger children on their books. Remember that you don't have to go to your local council - in fact, some have a policy of not placing children within the borough - you can go to anyone near enough that will accept you. I would strongly recommend you ring round a few agencies and have a chat to them. You will find that they have a clear idea of who they are looking for, based on the kind of children they have coming through the system. Just because one isn't interested in you doesn't mean the next won't chafe at the bit to get you on the books. You need to find the agency that is most enthusiastic about you, and that is also efficient.

I'm also so sorry to hear about your miscarriages

I think having counselling is a good thing, and is nearly always percieved as a positive by LA'a and agencies, because it shows that you've really taken steps to come to terms with/talk through/think about the situation. It also shows them that you're a person who can seek out help if you need it, which is important for adoptive parents who may need to seek out help for their child

Whilst voluntary agencies sometimes do place the younger children or babies (I would say a baby is up to 2 years old), you are more likely to have success through the council. However you don't have to commit to an agency just because you've phoned them up for an informal chat, so you might want to talk to all the agencies you could possibly go with and see what they have to say, before deciding which one you want. If you live in a small county, you may well find that your local council won't want to assess you because you live too close to the children's birth families. The council in a neighbouring county would be the one you go with in that case, so ring neighbouring LA's as well. You can get a good feel on the phone for how much they seem to want you, and ask them how long their approval process is taking currently etc. As Devora says, they need to seem enthusiastic about what you've got to offer their children

I am afraid that my experience of adoption has been so challenging and traumatic to me and my family that I would not adopt a child if I were in your situation. I adopted two siblings (separately, three and a half yr age gap) who I love dearly so bonding was never an issue. However they have developed complex needs that were not apparent when they were put up for adoption. Looking back they should have been adopted into different families and as only children (all the agencies currently involved agree.) Family life has broken down with my husband having left and my ten year old in danger of going into secure residential care. I dont want to alarm you but I was naive and unprepared when I took these children on and my current situation could only be worse if there were birth children around.

I hadnt thought of phoning neighbouring councils, that makes sense, i imagine it would be traumatic for all involved to bump into birth parents or know they are living nearby.

Im going to take an afternoon off and have a ring around some councils and maybe a couple of agencies too and see what they think. With me being a childminder i think it will limit who i can take on as its a busy house with different kids everyday, i would take some time off but it would be too much for some children i guess

thereslovely - i'm sorry to hear your adoption has been so difficult, can i ask how old were your children when you adopted them? i appreciate your comments, it is helpful for me to hear the negative stories so i can at least be a bit more prepared.

I feel so sorry for older children left in care and sibling groups and if i'm honest have always thought people a bit selfish for wanting to adopt babies but now it seems im in the same position, perhaps in years to come i would be in a position to offer a home to an older child.

Will it realy take 2-3 years to get through the process, i expected it to be long but that seems a lot!!

My two children were both just 2 when adopted and happy and healthy as far as we knew, nothing to set off alarm bells. I would consider the potential effect on your birth child of adopting and if you go ahead, would have a big age gap to ensure your child is well-adjusted and coping in school, etc and independent because all adopted children are extra needy, even if they do not have the extreme problems my two do. Also be prepared to devote much of your time to appointments with doctors, therapists, social workers, etc.

you are giving me lots to think about, it is worrying as i'd planned on adopting a 2 year old and not having much of an age gap. I obviously dont want to cause problems in my existing family but at the same time i dont want my son to be an only child and i really wanted him to have a sibling of a similar age... i better go and have a think then... xx

Jens, when we set off on the adoption road, we really wanted our ds to have a sibling to grow up with, play with etc. With all the bumps in the road that we hit, he was 11 by the time we adopted our then 14 month dd. This 10 year gap in age was soooo not what I planned or wanted but it has turned out to be a great thing. Ds adores her but he's at an age where he's becoming independent and much less needing of our time which has meant that dd has been able to be the whole focus for all three of us, me, dh and ds which has been wonderful for her. I'm so glad that I've been able to give her loads of time and attention without feeling torn. I feel like both children have the advantage of being an only child- all that time and attention - and yet they have each other too.

I definitely would give some thought to the age gap question, and I'm sure your local authority will want you to as well. If your ds was only 4 when you adopted, it may be very hard on him and his nose might be totally out of joint. Best of luck in your journey. It's the most fantastic thing we've ever done.

Another here who has a much bigger age gap between DS (nearly 7) and DD (recently turned 2). We assumed that we would be matched with a school age child, not least because we had said we would be willing to consider this and not many people will. We were shocked when our SW suggested the match with DD. But, as Happy said, the big age gap has actually worked brilliantly: there is clear water and much less tension between them than if they were closer in age and developmental stages; DS gets to be a proper big brother, with perks and responsibility; I got time with just DD when DS was at school, which was great for bonding / getting to know her. Though it was a really really hard at first to go back to nappies, buggies etc when we thought that part of our life was over!

Devora and Lilka have offered some excellent advice, so I won't repeat it, beyond suggesting a chat with an adoption team about your position, but don't be too disappointed if they ask you to wait a bit (I first called an adoption team to discuss the process when DS was about four months old!) and use the time to think about what you as a family want and what adoption might mean.

And do come back and ask more questions if you want!

Thanks for all the great advice, I have discussed this a lot with dh and we have decided we do want to go ahead and try to adopt. so pleased he agrees!! I am going to get a few hours off this week and ring around some local councils. A neighbouring council is advertising for potential adopters so that sounds promising.

I understand and appreciate everyones advice on the age gap, there is a couple of issues, we are both 36 and while i know we are not quite ancient yet!! i dont want to leave it too long. Also i feel we are really ready and wanting another child, we have been trying for the last 2 years have had 2 miscarriages. While i do expect the adoption process to take a long time i dont mind too much if at least we are doing something and the ball is rolling. I would be really disapointed if they said to go away and come back in a few years though.

I'll let you know how i get on. i have mentioned it to a couple of friends and they have been almost dismissive of the idea, saying i am overreacting and i'll have a child of my own one day. An adopted child would still be a child of my own! i am a little upset that no one seems to want to take me seriously.

The first question that comes to mind reading your posts, Jen. Is, Have you totally closed the door on having another birth child? I am aware of your miscarriages, which I know are devastating and I am sorry you too have had to go through that.
I ask the question because adopting a child and having a birth child are two totally different ways to parent. I have adopted three girls who are a delight but also bloody hard work, the younger two both have SEN.
Our older two were 8 and 6 when their sister came home as a six month old baby. She totally changed the dynamics of the family. I would not be without any of them, but do sometimes wonder how our lives would be if the little one had not come along. I know that sounds awful.
My advice would be....Try not to be in too much of a rush to expand your family, enjoy the little one you have without any more pressures for a while.

hmm you do have a point about rushing into it. I do have a habit of rushing into things in general! I have counselling booked which should be in the next 6 weeks so I want explore with them how I feel about having another pregnancy. thing is first miscarriage was bad, very painful and I lost a lot of blood it was only 10 weeks. 2nd one nearly killed me,16 weeks lost over half of my blood, it all went very wrong doctors were worried. I think its more than bad luck and there is a problem and it would be almost irresponsible to get pregnant again and risk my life, and I really don't want to the idea of it scares me now. I know this sounds dramatic and lots of people miscarry but I am going on what the doctors said.

I have thought about adoption in the past so its not just a reaction to the miscarriages although I think I do need to make sure I am over them and ok about not carrying another child. I think I am but suppose it is soon. . .

maybe I'll wait till I have had the counselling before I do anything.

Goodness, sounds dreadfulm more than a miscarriage.
For what it is worth, I think it may be worth having the counselling first. You will then have it all straight in your head before you proceed. If your saw a social worker soon they may well ask you to wait six months to a year anyway. It does sound like it is still early days for you.
All the very best with what you decide to do.

thank you, its a lot to think about. appreciate you taking the time to read and reply.

Hi jens, hope your enquiries go well. Do let us know how you get on xx

have namechanged.. decided too go for it. made the call today to 3 agencies. they won't take me. then 2 local councils they not too helpful then my own council who were great! said they actively looking for adopters. said me being a childminder will really help. ran through personal details and completed initial application over phone and they said can see no problems and they estimate 8 months from now to approval! I know its early days but am really exited and pretty confident its the right choice for us. waiting for invitation to information evening now. I'll keep you posted x x

Wonderful news, well done

Brilliant news!

No experience of adopting or great knowledge of modern adoption procedures, but I was the birth child- or rather one of several birth children.

And as far as I am concerned, it was a wholly happy experience. I feel no different towards my youngest brother than I do towards the other two. We are all close as adults. And I enjoyed it at the time.

The age gap between us was 3 years, and there is one sibling in between.

He did have some behavioural difficulties and did need extra input from our parents and extra tolerance from his siblings- but no more so than my eldest (biological) child; even without adopting there is no guarantee you won't have behavioural issues to deal with.

One advantage was that I got to see some very good parenting- parenting under difficulties- which has stood me in good stead in later years of trying to deal with an extra demanding child at the same time as meeting the needs of the other sibling.

Fantastic news :)

thanks for the encouragement everyone and Cory really appreciate your message, amazing to get the viewpoint that could be my sons in years to come. he is of course my priority at the moment and its worrying to think I could be doing something that could turn out negative for him, great to hear a happy ending, gives me hope x x