What would my chances be like if I applied to adopt?

[YakkaSkink]

I'm a single parent with one DS who's 6, I'm 38 and bi - currently in a long-distance relationship with a woman though no plans to move in together anytime soon as we both have lives where we are, I also sometimes date men though I always keep my love life entirely away from DS and would only ever introduce him to a partner if the relationship were very well established and a permanent fixture in my life (so he's never met any of my partners).

DS has Aspergers plus some other issues. I'm white British, DS is mixed Asian/ British. I work from home p/t and am not well-off, but own my own house.

I always wanted two or three kids and always liked the idea of adopting a child with special needs and have quite a lot of professional experience with disabled children and adults as well as the experience of parenting DS. I would prefer to adopt rather than have another bio child, plus the age gap between DS and sibling(s) would be better. DS would really like a sibling or two as well, though he wouldn't cope with us fostering because of the changes and uncertainty.

It's unlikely I'd get away with lying about my relationships as I'm a lousy liar and the things I've read online suggest that they might be pretty open-minded about my orientation or even about me being a single parent, but is non-monogamy going to be too much for them? Are they likely to see it as counting against me, or are they actually as broadminded as the glossy brochures make them look?

I'm single and lesbian, and have adopted 3 times. I have never found it a major problem

However, I do think that having a partner who doesn't live with you will be a problem. I have read one women on AUK who appears to have succeeded with single adoption and having a partner who doesn't live with her, but honestly that's the only person i've ever heard of managing it. I know my own LA don't take on single adopters with partners. You can try and contact every agency near you and ask them, as obviously there are a few less restrictive ones out there, but i would be surprised if you recieved a positive answer

Bisexual - not a problem.

Single parent - not necessarily a problem, though they'll want to know you have a good support network.

Birth child - you will probably be restricted to a child at least 2/3 years younger, and they will want to be reassured that you have sufficient resources to provide each child with plenty of time and attention. Does your son's health needs mean that, realistically, you don't have much time to spend on a child who may also need loads of attention?

Working from home p/t - they'll like this!

Not well off - not a problem, providing you have sufficient and are not in financial crisis.

Non-monogamy - I agree with Lilka that this may well be an issue. Not because they will judge your lifestyle (I hope), but they will perceive this as an element of uncertainty that could give rise to risks. Anyone in a significant relationship with you who will have contact with the child will need to be assessed. They will worry that people may come in and out of your family; that the children may bond with a partner who will then be gone forever; that there will be lots of change and uncertainty for children who desperately need stability and certainty.

I'm not saying this is right, or insurmountable, just warning you about where the social workers are coming from. Remember that they are dealing with children who have dealt with lots of change, with significant adults coming in and out of their lives. They want adoptive parents to offer stability, so you will need to show them that you can provide that.

Ah, that makes sense! The reason DP and I haven't seriously thought about living together is that she lives and works in a very remote area which would make it impossible for me to work and difficult for my DS to get the services he needs. Her lovely DCs are teenagers and very settled so it makes sense to reconsider when they leave home (they'll be off to uni) and my DS is out of the assessment processes as we'd both have to move or I'd have to become financially dependant - and DS isn't cheap to run - if we decided to live together sooner.

I suppose I could just be very upfront about the non-monogamy and how I manage it now as it has no impact on DS and see what they think.

I think your best bet is to present yourself as single, not non-monogamous. I don't mean lie about your dp - you shouldn't lie about anything - but say that you are a single parent living with your ds, that you have a girlfriend but there are no plans for you to live together, that she will be a regular part of the child's life but she will not be a parent and that the family unit will be you and the children.

As for sexual exclusivity, I don't see why they should mind you having a sex life that includes whoever you choose. They just don't want your sexual partners coming in and out of the family. They will want to know that you are very conscious of the child's need for stable family relationships, that you are prioritising time with your children over time having affairs (which is not to say you can't do both), and that your friendships/social life will always come second to the needs of your dc.

Which I think has to be the reality, not just the labelling. You're going to have a lot on your plate!

I do think you may have problems with this, as social workers are conservative when assessing potential adoptors. But a good social worker will want to move beyond any immediate assumptions of what your lifestyle may involve, and if you show you are thoughtful and child-centred and willing to take on their views and concerns, you may find a way forward. Best of luck.

One practical issue-I assume you have close family and/or friends who look after your son while you go out. If this person will also look after an adopted child then they will need police checks. What will you do if an adopted child can't cope with this person or vice versa? how will that affect your current relationships?

Apart from the partner issue, I would think that they would be very keen to assess someone who wants to adopt a child with ASD.

Yes, that's a useful thought. I tend to be opportunistic about when I am able to go out - I have friends and family members who are happy to look after DS or I put DS to bed and pay a babysitter and that's something that we'd need to think about in a lot more detail. Actually I think another child with ASD might be either a great fit with DS or a disaster and my professional experience is mostly in other areas so I'm fairly open-minded as to what kind of SN I should be considering. I've got to weigh up how much I want to do this against the high chance I'll get rejected.