Adopting a baby within the family, any advice please

[FiveMonths]

Hello,

I've changed my name to post this in case of being identified, I hope nobody minds.
I'm pregnant at the moment and in a difficult and rather frightening situation, basically the child's father started to become emotionally abusive around the time I became pregnant, and drinking to excess though he had been drinking prior to this - it was just starting to tip over into controlling and horrible behaviour towards me, and I ended the relationship.
It had not been a very long relationship, a bit of a whirlwind but I thought he was a very reasonable man. I was stupid to become pregnant with someone I had not known for very long, I know this now.

Anyway after I left him (we had not lived together) I was contacted by his previous partner to say that he had been violent and abusive to her for many years, had a proper drinking problem and was generally to be feared.

This scared the life out of me and I posted on MN as I didn't know what to do - lots of people said terminate but I was 13 weeks and it felt like a very difficult decision, particularly as my family are very, very anti abortion and promised to help me.

This is why I am posting now. I've spoken to my parents and my mother has suggested that she is very happy (if that is the right word) to adopt my child once it is born.
We spoke about 'normal' adoption but it would very much hurt my existing children to lose contact with a baby they are very excited about, and also we are concerned about the system, from what we understand, it would involve the baby being fostered for many weeks before placement with adoptive parents and we are afraid this would do some damage in terms of attachment, and so on - Mum is qualified in child psychology.

So we are thinking of her and Dad adopting the baby, having a lot of contact with it while it is small, and when it comes to the time where it can be adopted, I and my children will have frequent contact with it after that, so we will essentially be a large extended family

I'm not sure about a couple of things though.
Firstly, does anyone know whether a court would consider them adopting it based on reasons almost exclusively surrounding its father? I am worried that they will be cynical and say, why are you doing this, and will want to know his name and so on so that they can pursue his side of the family for permission etc.

Secondly has anyone had a situation anything like this, and has it been workable, with the child being passed on to your parents but still maintaining frequent contact with you - I would be very grateful for any experiences.

I should say that my reasons for going down this route are,

1. I am terrified of him - I've been vaguely threatened by his ex, and now once more current partner that he will 'never leave me alone', and that scares me especially now I know he has form for violence (he was arrested in the past for attacking her)
2. I am terrified of him having, or applying for, access to the child, even once it is older, as I would not trust him with my existing children, he's constantly drinking and smoking, is emotionally and afaik physically abusive - though he was only ever impatient with my kids when we were together, and I thought I could cope with that.
3. I'm afraid I will simply not be able to cope with having his child, as I am so traumatised with every contact I have from him or his partner, and I don't want to live in fear.

I would go with a residence order for my parents to have but that would not prevent him from applying for PR and contact. I think adoption would. And this way I would still know and see my child.

I realise I am being extreme but I have given this a lot of thought and spoken to the BAAF, and social services though they haven't called back yet. I just thought maybe someone on here would understand, know a bit more, or maybe have been involved in something similar.

Thankyou for reading if you made it this far.

thankyou so much for the last three posts...Breakout, Lots and MrsDV. I am so grateful and there is so much to process and think over - I just wrote a long reply but compatibility view ate it.

I am very interested in the LA process you describe, Lots - thankyou. I think it would create its own fallout later - I really don't want this baby to feel rejected. But it might be the safest option for the baby.

thankyou for sharing your knowledge with me. I will also make sure not to give his name to anyone who might then be obliged to act on it.

A year is a very long time, I didn't realise it would take that long - that means he has more time to get interested and make a fuss, or try and put obstacles in the way of my plans. That's really depressing. Though it sounds as though my sister would be considered a better bet than my mum.

Breakout, I hope he stays uninterested, you're right, he would have a lot of work to do to get access and he never really wanted the child for its own self - I don't think - just for what it represented in terms of 'someone giving him a child' isywim. And I think his partner, with all this talk of him 'coming to find me' and 'never leaving me alone' might just be voicing her own fears, as he has had a lot of affairs but never a child with anyone. I think she is just worried he will want to come back to me and that I'd accept him, which won't happen in a million years.

I'll post this now before it is eaten again but thankyou all so very much. I will update when I have any progress to report x

I'm so sorry, what a horrid situation and you must be feeling pretty overwhelmed right now

Something that really sticks out for me, is that you seem to really want to raise your own baby, and you're considering adoption because of him alone, not because you don't want to parent the baby. Honestly, I think adoption is very rarely a good idea if one parent is functionning, able and wants to raise the baby. It's just too final and you can't understimate the deep emotions and grief involved.
You don't have much idea how the sitaution with him will turn out, but I think it unlikely he could succeed in winning custody any way. It would not be a short process and to actually attend court hearings and do DNA tests etc, presenting a good face for months on end is too much for most people in his position. What if you had the baby adopted and then he lost interest and went away for good? You have no recourse and you've lost your child forever, but there isn't any risk from him any more

I think you should give very serious thought to parenting your baby. There are organisations like Women's Aid that can give you advice on dealing with him, and you can get information on legal options you have

Wishing you all the best

Do you really think he has time money and effort to be asred for a child he doesnt even want?

Call the police on his partner and see how quick they both run off.

Do you think he will still be bothered in 16 years time?

Why are you not so concered about your other children safety? If he kicked off they would be there and affected by it.

There is more in life to be afraid of than just one man. The best person to protect a child is its mother.

This is a decission made from fear and is irrational.

You can get an harrasment order or restraning order. You can protect yourself and your children. All of them.

Personally I would

1. deny it was his

2. don't name anyone as father on birth certificate

3. move now. Doesn't have to be miles away from family but surely another town where you won't bump into him as you mentioned. Live within an ok commute to family but in the opposite direction. Your son will make new friends honestly

4. if you really want adoption then give up at birth with no knowledge of father given and to someone not related as surely they could still be found and problems arise if simply with parents

Sorry if this seems harsh

( actually personally I would move a long way away and start afresh)

Hi fivemonths I have a sgo of my sons child who is now five. His Mum is not allowed to see him and this has been set via the courts as she was very domestically violent to my son. Social services will support you if this child is at risk. The courts will not support a man who is a risk to his child, or to yourself. Seek legal advice you really need to.

We know very little about our son's birth father because his birth mother likes to hold on to that bit of power.
Our poor son has half of his life missing.
He has a right to know.

I am so glad you got decent contact arrangements lijaco it's good to hear the courts made the right decision.
I do know of quite a few GP who are not so lucky though.
Perhaps not where violence has been reported and logged by the police though.
Some of them seem to have a dreadful time with contact arrangements