Hubby tales?

[Italiangreyhound]

My friend and I have been talking about adoption and my friend's hubby is not really as keen on adoption as she is. She thinks he feels they have their hands full with one DS! He is a really good dad and maybe he would make a great dad to another. He seems happy enough to explore this with her but not sure his heart is in it.

If you have a hubby, or partner who was not as keen as you on adoption can you say how it all worked out, please?

Did he get more enthusiastic, did he decide he didn't want to continue, just curious.....

Thanks

PS same sex couple partners, welcome to comment too, just used the term hubby! My hubby seems quite OK about adoption now so not sure if men are always a bit behind women in these things - or is that a totally sexist thing to say!

My DH wasn't into it at first, continued to say we would probably have IVF again in the future. However, once the process started, he completely changed his mind.

Funnily enough, we were discussing it yesterday and he said you couldn't pay him to try IVF again He said our family is everything to him and he doesn't know why he used to think like that.

I dunno if it's sexist to say men 'lag behind' but I have several adoptive couple friends where the wife has instigated the process and her husband has come round to the idea. I also know one couple where it was the opposite way round.

Hi Italian and softplay I have never posted at 'adoption' before, I have an adopted child of nearly 3. Italian you may remember me from the 'conception' board (I changed my name from purple dragon). Sorry I'm crashing a bit due to softplay's comments re DH and IVF and this is why: we would love for our son to have a sibling and we have never had a preference for bio children, however a second adoption is not possible for us at the moment. We don't seem to be able to conceive naturally and taking my age into account IVF is the only real option. Something I always rejected as an idea in the past but am, perhaps, having second thoughts.

Here's the thing: my better half instigated the adoption and carried alot of the burden of the process (we are not the same nationality and it was from his home country). With IVF he feels that it's my decision and he doesn't feel able encourage me because the burden of it is with me and my body. I understand the point but I also feel a little lost. softplay what was your huband's experience of the process?

Thanks maryz that's helpful and interesting. I certainly feel that having a child helps me with the TTC crap of charting and peeing on sticks and so I guess the same may follow with IVF. At the end of the day no one wants IVF or enjoys it, rather a means to an end. I've always felt it wasn't for me but know I wonder if I'm just blocking a possible path without completely understanding why.

italian I guess it's often true that men come on board later with starting a family in general and perhaps that plays in to the process of adopting as well. It wasn't my experience at all and I guess that's key for me here, the back step on the issue of treatments is the first time the I've seen him hanging out in the shadows (and that's my little excuse for derailing )

No worries, no one is derailining. I just wanted to know opinions. My hubby is a bit behind me in the enthusiasm stakes but still feels it is a good thing to do.

akuabadoll I was on the assisted conception thread for almost 3 years! Well some of that time I just lurked and read on the forty something thread for conception. All in all I was trying for about 6.5 years for baby number 2. We ended up spending thousands but that was partly because of needing donor eggs and that cost a lot more. I also have immunology issues, which I found out thanks to lots of expensive tests!

So dear akuabadoll I probably know a fair bit about fertility treatment I cant advise you specifically about fertility treatment. However, I can share my experiences and I can offer some information if you want something specific. I agree that having a child already made the treatment much easier to bear. If you feel you can go through with the treatment and can afford it, in your place I would certainly give it a go but that is assuming there is no medical reason not to.

Oh dear I am so sorry. I have inadvertantly got it wrong! A friend who is considering adoption has a DH who is MORE keen than her, not less. She is still not sure if they should go for fertility treatment and he would like to go for adoption. I must have been thinking of my hubby who has taken longer to get really interested in adoption!

Apologies to all men that I got it wrong!

Thinking of us all who are considering it!

Mary is it you have two adopted and birth child or two birth and one adopted? Just curious. My DD is 7 and is very keen to have a sibling but I do still wonder how she will manage to go from being one ('only' I hate that term!) to one of two - at whatever age she will be (8 or 9 maybe) when it is all over!

My friend's situation is quite unusual (I think) in that he is more keen than her! Really I guess I do think that is more unusual as if I am thinking it is my hubby who is not so keen as I am but then when we talk about it he seems to see the good side. It is partly me being quite sensitive!

For my friend I do wonder if she should have IVF but when we chat I am trying to be very neutral as ultimately it is their decision.

For us IVF is something we have tried several times and loads of IUI - and I am just not able to get pregnant even with the eggs of a younger woman (actually two younger women as we had two donors). I have come to terms with that now. I still struggle with the TINIEST bit of jealousy with seeing pregnant women, I mean for a nano second I feel a bit jealous! Also get fed up with friends who have lots of kids, (got a few friends with 3 - 3 sounds a lot to people with only 1 - and I guess sounds masses to people with none!). Friends with three are always saying stuff like - it's expensive with three, it's hard with three etc etc. As someone who has tried for 7 years to have a second it is just galling! Apologies to anyone with none, one or three! Just my experience! Now it is me who is derailing!

Should explain if anyone is even the remotest bit interested! Our DD was conceived with IUI just before I hit 40 and we got pregnant quite quickly and easily on our second go of IUI. But since her birth (and a spontaneous pregnancy and miscarriage when she was about a year old), I have not managed to get pregnant no matter what we have done! I have had lots of counselling and now feel fine about it all not working, and feel very positive about adoption. I guess hubby has not been on the same exact journey as me as he would have been happy to stop at one but I always wanted more! Also, he has not done all the reading and exchanging comments and info and experiences on the internet as I have!

Did anyone else's hubby or partner share their interest in speaking on the Internet about it? I am kind of assuming again (maybe wrongly!) that most of us on mumsnet are mums not dads????

Thanks Maryz I thought it was that way but just wanted to ask.

I guess at times it does feel like the fertility treatment did not end well as it never worked but I am so glad I had my little one when I did. I always call my journey my fertility story and not infertility because I got DD!

It is reassuring to know your hubby feels as mine does about speaking about it. I brought up the subject the other day when our very old friends (as in we have known them a long time!) were visiting and my hubby looked a bit embarrassed and said very little so I ended up blurting out 'I am more keen about adoption than he is' and then felt miserable all evening! Then when we talked DH said, well you said I was not so keen! And I realised that it is actually that he does not like talking about anything personal at all with anyone! Doesn't mean he doesn't feel things he just finds it hard to talk about personal stuff! I am sure I know him better than any person in the world ever has and he is THE kindest and most generous and best man alive (to me) but no one else would guess!

I just hope DH opens up enough to the social worker for them to see the real man because he is so lovely. For example my Mum is quite old and ill now and he is such a support for her and so caring. AND yes seeing Mum old and frail now I do want DD to have a sibling who she can at least talk to about us when we get old and grey! I know it may be that they are not necessarily able to help practically (my sis lives miles away and she can't do practical stuff but she is someone to talk to about Mum and that is a big help).

I do try and brush it off when people moan about all their kids and say how hard it is having lots. Most of the people I know (the two main 'culprits') had their 3rd child later in life and I feel they were lucky to get a third baby when I know lots of people on the fertility threads struggling to have number 1 or 2. Guess I will need to keep any bitterness out of my voice when I meet social worker. I have had counselling and in most cases I feel great but when people moan about what I consider to be a blessing it is very hard to ignore!

Thank Maryz.

Yes, my DH is a very optimistic person - expect when it comes to my business plans!

And Yes, I agree, sometimes we need to grin and listen while people moan about the most trivial stuff.

I have long been involved with organisations like Amnesty International and CSW (Christian Solidarity Worldwide, about persecution) and when I hear stuff in the media about injustice I often try and write a protest letter to the appropriate person. So I have heard about all kinds of stuff that I never knew about when I was younger and it makes me sad the world is such a cruel place!

So when people moan about little stuff I feel like saying 'at least you aren't stuck in prison being tortured for your political or religious beliefs!'

I also know some women who have lost their children, they died as children and that is just so tragic!

BUT of course you can't go through life thinking like that and comparing everything to the worst case scenario. Maybe the worst case scenario did help me to deal with things like our infertility and the death of my father at the age of 74. He had a good life and so many people do not so I got over the grief of that and the miscarriage very quickly really because I knew how tough some people's lives are and really mine is very nice by comparison - I am sure that sounds over simplistic! But I do think knowing how tough the world can be for some has actually helped to make me a more positive person, trying to help others where I can and being more grateful for what I have!

I guess you have to just sympathise with people where they are!

Thanks for your kind comments.

Off to do some work now!!!

So excited that in just over 3 weeks we can officially approach Social services. Hubby seems happy now and it is me who is a bag of nerves!