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Waiting to start matching - please help me cope with the wait

14 replies

WendyGx · 27/07/2012 21:04

My DH and I were approved at the start of May, but we had to put the matching on hold. I have leukemia which cannot be cured but it is very treatable for multiple and long remissions. A new treatment was proposed by our consultant and so we decided that treatment with a potential much longer remission which would be wise before our children came along. I know its only end of July and whilst the treatment has been tough, but these last 3 months have been painful as I feel no closer to having our family. The 6 months of home study were so intense and kept us very busy!
We have two very plain rooms crying out for little people and my heart is breaking as I wonder where they are now. I know they'll come but we need to finish my treatment in August and see our SW to start matching. Maybe it'll be a matter of days, months or even years. But if I feel like this now, how will it be a few months further down the line?

Does anyone else have advise on waiting in the matching period please?

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funnychic · 27/07/2012 22:06

Sorry I don't have any words of wisdom Iv'e only been approved 2 days! LOL
But just to say keep the faith, keep going with your treatment and before you know it you will be mithering your sw to start looking for your family for you.
Very best wishes

WendyGx · 27/07/2012 22:45

Thanks funnychic and CONGRATULATIONS on your approval! 2 days closer!

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Devora · 27/07/2012 22:52

I found the period between approval and matching really, really tough. By far the worst part of the adoption process. And I didn't have leukaemia. The only thing that I found helped was to get in touch with my inner hippy (VERY well hidden) and keep telling myself that I was waiting because my child wasn't ready for me yet, but she was out there and we would find each other soon.

However. It simply has to make a difference that you have a life-threatening condition. Forgive me for asking but is your diagnosis fairly new, or is the diagnosis long-standing but the treatment new? I'm assuming the latter, and you're not currently reeling from a new diagnosis, but still: I can't help feeling that your feelings about matching must be tied up with your feelings about what is happening to your body right now.

I can think of many reasons why you are impatient to embrace the new family that is waiting to be born, but I still think you have far too much to cope with right now to add new children on top. Do you think some kind of counselling would help you sort out and cope with your complicated feelings at this time? You could see this as a time when you are getting yourself in tip-top condition for motherhood: not just physically, but psychologically, practically and emotionally too. Remember that the best time to meet your children is not when you are most in need of them, but when you are at your strongest and calmest and most able to give them the care they will need.

I think you do learn to wait after approval. Certainly, I was most distressed in the early weeks after approval, and pretty calm 8 months later, when we were finally matched. It will get better, I promise. And we are always here to help you through.

WendyGx · 27/07/2012 23:17

Thanks Devora for your sound advice and calming words. I was diagnosed in 2006, so I'm an old hand and this is my 3rd round of treatment. I know I am tired and presently too emotional to think logically. I feel very much that this process has to prioritise the child and I know I am not in a position to give until I am physically well. However I am human and have such a strong desire for a family. I know I am will not be alone on that one! I do like the image you give me of being at my best for them and this is exactly the point of the treatment, I will use this - thanks again.
You are kind to give your time - its much appreciated.

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NanaNina · 27/07/2012 23:36

Hi Wendy - there is nothing I can add to Devora's excellent post, but just wondered if you know there is a special thread for adoption that you might find useful.

Devora · 27/07/2012 23:40

You do have my sympathy, Wendy. It's a hard time. I didn't follow my own advice at the time, naturally, and I know it's very easy for other people to tell you to be calm and patient.

Feel free to rant about it whenever you want. Oh, and I hope your wait is just the right length Smile

MissFenella · 28/07/2012 12:14

I know this sounds a little like Job's comforter but: the period between being matched and waiting to meet is even more excruciating. Grin

However, take heart that there are children waiting for parents like you and it will happen when it is right. Spend the time getting the house ready, have a good de clutter, research playgroups, schools, build networks, book a break away etc.

Good luck and try and enjoy while you can, because everything will change shortly

WendyGx · 28/07/2012 16:21

Thanks everyone for you advice and support. I don't want to moan, but last night I was tired and worn down. I better not make a habit of it! I've been reading the other threads and couldn't decide if I was shocked or amused when I heard some of the crazy things people say when you've adopted. I recall a SW talking about this at our training and she has us giggling with some witty retorts. Perhaps I should spend some of this time preparing my own!
Devora - whilst I don't want others to feel the same its nice to know its normal!
NinaNina - I've only just joined here and not sure which special thread you mean, so please can you direct me if you get a mo?
Miss Fenella - if I'm like this now I'm sure I'll be a nightmare between match and meet! We've had work done so the rooms are ready and we did the research as part of our homestudy. I am tempted to buy things for the room, to be doing things - but I'd rather be buying for a person and make it theirs, not just mine. The break sounds like a good idea. Might have a little look today thanks - we do need a break!
Thanks again all

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NanaNina · 28/07/2012 20:00

If you click on Topics and then click on show all you will see the adoption thread on the left hand side of the page. It's the first in the list as it's alphabetical.

Ladyofthehouse · 29/07/2012 17:14

Hi WendyGx,

We waited just over a month and were beginning to get frustrated! But we tried to see it as more time to save money and do some jobs round the house that need doing. We also had a weekend away.

I tried to look at it as my pregnant time!!

Hope it won't be long for you.

2old2beamum · 29/07/2012 18:42

Don't know whether this will help.
In 1993 our 5th adopted child died (it was expected) on Feb 14th, March 23rd I had a mastectomy ( bloody cancer). In April a SW contacted us to say they were trying to place a 3 year old with SN's. Told her my history and she replied so what, so have I. They wrote to my consultant who felt he could not see any problems. In October our son arrived. Sadly he died after we had had him 10 years. My advice is stay focused and positive. BTW we have since adopted 2 more youngest 7 me 69. Rules can be broken'
Look after yourself and goodluck.

WendyGx · 30/07/2012 17:15

NinaNina - thanks I'll take a look now
Ladyofthehouse - starting to think a break is a good idea. Might not end up saving money that way though! A month would be wonderful!
2old2beamum - wow haven't you been through an awful lot?! I'm unsure where you gather your strength from to stay positive. I hope I can do as well as you.

thanks again everyone, I've really appreciated the support and positive help Thanks for you all

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WendyGx · 30/07/2012 17:48

I might be being a bit daft and missing what you mean as I am a newbie. However I had already looked through many of the other posts, which were very useful. Plus I read through the intro info to check protocol. I thought you were directing me to something else or that I had posted in the wrong area (I did post in the adoption section). Please can you let me know if I have missed your point? Thanks

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NanaNina · 30/07/2012 19:07

So sorry WendyGx no you haven't missed my's me that got mixed up which I put down to my ancient brain cells!

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