Questions about adoption

[tametortie]

After years of fertility treatment, me and my husband are looking at adopting to complete our family and hopefully offer a lovely home to a little one. We went to our info session last week but have been left with a couple of questions. I am going to contact a SW tomorrow but just wanted info and opinions from folk that have been through or going through the process.

1. My mum lives alone and has been unwell for the past couple of years. I am an only child so me and my husband are her main carers. We pop in about 5 times a week, sort her tablets, take her to appointments and generally do odd jobs for her that she cannot do herself. Would this affect our application?

2. When I was 18, I got married to my boyfriend without my parents knowledge (we werent speaking at the time because of said boyfreind)- it was a very silly thing to do, I am not 100% sure why I did it and I mostly just laugh and joke and make light of it now. I think the main reason when I look back was perhaps the lack of contact with my parents, It was really just a final 'V' sign to them both God! its so hard to explain. We are divorced now (obviously), the marriage lasted 1 year. I havent seen him in 12 years and spoke to him once 6 years ago to ask him very nicely to sign the decree nisi. Would SS really want a reference about me from this man???? He would barely know me now!!! When I look at guidance notes it says that they would but it seems really daft? I have lots of friends and family that I can get references from and my daughters father will write me a good reference (daughters father is not my husband- I know, I have led a colourful life ). I don't even know where my ex-husband is and i think trying to find him would raise eyebrows amongst his family!

I know these examples are very individual to our situation but I would really appreciate opinions on how this may be viewed by a SW or whether it could ultimately prevent us adopting.

Thanks in advance, xxxxxx

I think they will be far more interested in hearing from DD's father and see no reason why you should need to contact ex, just explain you haven't been in contact for 6 years and don't have any contact details.
Looking after mum won't stop you from adopting, many children live happily within families that care for older relatives. You may just have to discuss how you have considered how the adoption might affect your routines - presumably you already have DD with you. Good luck!

I did think about that- our routine is very much as and wyhen she needs us but I manage that around working full-time and looking after DD (9). If I were to adopt, I would certainly drop hours/days at work so hopefully, it would balance out. Along with a huge support network.

DD's father is happy to give a good reference. More for the fact that he wants his daughter to have a brother or sister I think than to keep me happy!!

I suppose I do need to think more about the 'marriage' situation as they may ask about it and what I learnt from it. I think getting embarrassed and joking about it may not help my case.

Hi - I went enough the adoption approval process in 2005 and had to declare that from April 1990 to June 1992 I lived with a boyfriend.

I was slightly horrified when my SW told me that she would have to write to him for a reference.

I didn't have an address for him , we had split up on very bad terms and I hadn't seen him since the day I left him.

Luckily we still had a mutual friend who acted as a go between and he ended up writing me a glowing reference ( according to my SW). He also sent me a very nice good luck message through my friend.

They probably will insist on a reference as you were married.

I really have no clue how I would get in touch. I know where his mum used to live and thats about it. I can't see how a refernce from him would be relevant either- there were no children involved?

I was with someone for 11 years, splitting up 14 years before home study. The social worker didn't bother looking her up, even though I am still in touch and would have been happy for them to talk. I think this requirement varies, but I'm sure if you put up a reasoned response and don't seem to be hiding anything they will be reasonable too.

Re. your mother: I think they will want to explore from you what this commitment means for the amount of resource you have left over for a new child. They will probably want to discuss what happens as your mum gets older and more dependent. To my great surprise, our approval panel was taken up with the question of my elderly in-laws, who currently are completely independent, and what we would do if they suddenly needed our care. It wasn't a barrier to our approval, but it certainly was an issue they wanted to be clear about, and it took my social worker by surprise because we hadn't even discussed this in home study.

Best of luck and I hope all goes smoothly for you.

Hi Tametortie no words of wisdom from me, I am afraid! I am also a prospective adopter with a child (a DD aged 7). We also went through fertility treatment (about 6.5 years of it) before getting to the place of going ahead with adoption. So I just wanted to wish you all the best.

I'm no expert, but I do feel whatever reason you married at 18 and divorced a year later is not a huge issue but you do need to be honest with adoption services. It's probably quite normal for people to have had other long-term or marriage relationships and I doubt social services will be very interested. I guess what I am saying is you don't need to worry about it, just tell them and try not to worry about them judging you or trying to work out exactly why you did it.

All best wishes,