surrrogacy - has anyone on here done this and what did you tell people? also have you tried induced lactation?

[IP2B]

Hi there, I'm not sure which board would be best for this - adoption or infertility as surrogacy sort of falls between the two.

Due to medical reasons we are using surrogacy to expand our family - we already have a 3yo dd. I haven't told anyone about this except close family. No one on the toddler circuit knows and when they ask about whether I will have another I just give vague responses. I don't really have many mummy friends though tbh but know a lot of people in a small talk only sort of way.

I'm really excited about the baby coming but getting a bit nervous about what will happen when I just appear with another child. I don't really want to talk about it as it is private, but don't want to sound rude when I refuse. But people are just so nosy it seems - this is just when they are asking when I will have another one!

Does anyone have any tips? Also has anyone on here tried induced lactation and do you have any views/ tips on that?? (I successfully breastfed my dd for 1.5 yrs and would really like to try to with the new baby but not sure whether it is realistic).

Re induced lactation. Yes its perfectly possible if you have already lactated and if you get your baby at birth, as I'm guessing you will do . You probably will have to top up with bottles but you and your baby will still get all the other benefits of bf

Here is information from kellymom, which is an excellent site. There are some good books on the subject which are listed on that page

Good luck

Sorry , I didn't as answer your other question. Adoptive lactation is very rare here as babies are very rarely, if ever, placed with adopters at birth. Even when they are placed they are still technically fostered , so they are under the care of SS. They are VERY VERY misinformed about bf in general and woudl not permit BF by a person who is legally a foster carer.

So it would only be possibel in the Uk if you were adopting a newborn from overseas, which is v v rare. Unless you are a senior politician and are able to bypass the Uk system with impunity

Regarding what you tell people, I expect you would get more advice on the surrogacy boards. I'm guessing you will have to field similar nosey questions as adopters

Hopefully someone with some experience will come along in a bit, but from the point of view of someone who is at lots of toddler groups, you probably have two options, one is complete honesty with a few well chosen gossips mums, who you ask to be discrete. That way everyone knows, but you don't have to tell anyone. I think that most people will be supportive, some people might be curious about whether they are yours biologically, but whatever you tell them they will probably believe and find traits that look like you even if it was another egg. Probably the best option if you are planning to tell your dd and the baby the truth. I would wait until about 2 or 3 months before the baby is due, if you can keep such exciting news to yourself.

Or just say that you will be having another one in xx month, and let people sweat it out looking for your belly to grow, when they ask how you are, say excited, and how the baby is say it is doing well, and if they push further then tell them as if you thought that everyone knew, they will then probably be too embarrassed that they were the only one not to know that they won't tell others.

The other option, depending on when the baby is due is to layer up really well during the winter, lay low a bit, and if people ask say that there will hopefully be another one coming along in February. People will say oh you don't look that big, just be evasive and recommend pilates! My mother took me to the corner shop (that she went to everyday) just after I was born and they asked her whose I was as she had been wearing her coat and they hadn't realised she was pregnant, then again I am very different in my out look to my parents and I swelled up like a balloon with my second one, maybe......

I really hope that the pregnancy goes well and your little bundle arrives safe and well.

Thanks for the replies.

3duracellbunnies - your suggestions made me laugh! I don't want to pretend I'm pregnant just don't want the stress of extra attention/ hassle when the baby comes. I wonder if people ever do just pretend to be pregnant though.. if I meet people after a while (say when the dc are older) and pregnancy comes up I intend to just not say much and be vague though.

I will obviously tell dd and new baby the truth when I think they are old enough - dd will be told a simple version in the next few months anyway. But as the dc get older I think I will try and encourage them to keep it private. Not because I'm ashamed (or think they should be) just to avoid unwanted attention/ stress.

KristinaM thanks for your comments re induced lactation. I read somewhere that I will need to stimulate my breasts for 20mins a time 8 times a day to get things going. It seems an awful lot and I am not sure when I should start. I hope I might find someone who has actually tried who can give me some tips! (I know there are lots of web stories but often these seem to be by sort of breastfeeding envangelists* and are vague about how much work they put in and how much milk they actually produce).

*forgive the term but hopefully you get what I mean!

Hi IP2B

I have no idea if this article is true or will help, but take a look if you like:

voices.yahoo.com/how-induce-lactation-well-may-not-dry-217473.html

It seems like even men can lactate, may not be exactly want you want to read about but should give you hope....

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Male_lactation

With regard to when/f to tell people can I just give you my own perspective? I am not an adoptive parent yet, but hope to be one day. I have a 7 year old birth child and for many years we tried to give her a sibling with IUI. IVF and laterly IVF with donor eggs. I seemed to go through phases of telling peope or not telling people about the donor eggs. In the end the treatment sadly failed so it was all an academic point but one thing I did feel coming through the experience was that you can never un-tell someone! By that I mean once you've told people it is out there, it is something true for you and also for the child but it is not necessarily everyone's business. It would have been a different scenario if we had succeeded ( to your situation) as I would have gotten the big round tummy etc. Ironically, I do already have a big round belly and I often see people trying to suss out if i am pregnant!

With the toddler group you may well want to explain how you have a new member of the family, I guess from my perspective I would keep it low key, new people will join the group and people will move on etc, I would not feel you had to tell everyone all about it.

People may be curious, they might ask if your egg was used in a surrogates or a surrogates eggs was used, or a donor embryo etc. I am NOT asking that I am just saying those are the kind of questions, so you might want to think how much you will want to talk about it.

I usually find if I want to share something but not talk a lot about it, I might blurt it out as I am about to leave 'Got to rush to catch the next bus, by the way next time you see me I will......'.

Surrogecy is not such an unusual thing these days (even if I am struggling to spell it!). I wonder if many people will probably know of someone who was a surrogate or had their child via a surrogate (sorry if I am not using the right terminology!), or will have seen a film about it or documentary (or might have totally wrong ideas about it!). They might have considered it themselves, either way, and so you may find lot of questions, or you may be in a place where people keep themselves to themselves and will simply nod and smile!

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the very best with your new baby and hope all will go well.

IP2B-I have no personal experince of adoptive lactation. Why don't you try on the American adoption boards, where it's much more common

I'd really recommend getting one or two of the books mentioned on kellymom. You will also need to get one of the bottles you can hang round your neck and soem ng tubes. And talk to your gp about drugs, if you are going to try them

Good luck

Personally , if I was in your circumstances I would definitely try it.

Hi, I know someone who lactation worked for. Still feeding a year after a surrogate birth. Go for it.

I've been a surrogate three times (once helping a couple with one child have their second then with another couple having two babies (separate pregnancies) for them) so I've seen it from a different perspective.

My first couple told their friends but the mum worked from home the last few months of the pregnancy to avoid discussing it with people she worked with. The second couple were open with everyone about it all.

Yes, there was a bit of a fuss at the time but it really only lasted a few weeks, they had no reason to tell anyone until around the time each child was born and people soon stopped thinking about the birth as all the milestones that came after occurred. The youngest is 4 now and while they are all great friends of mine even I sometimes forget I was pregnant with the children!

My advice would be that it isn't worth putting in effort to hide it, tell it how it is and it won't be a big deal. If you do try to keep things under wraps then it is likely to be a bigger deal as people suspect all sorts.

I'm afraid I can't tell you much about induced lactation beyond saying it is a fair bit of work, I know women who have done it with varying levels of success but it did take work and a lot of pre-birth sleepless nights due to the need to pump around the clock.

Sorry, that sounds reall negative about induced lactation which isn't how I intended, I didn't finish before I submitted. I meant to say that I do think it is fantastic for bonding and that as you already fed your dd then it'll probably be much easier for you.

Very excited for you and your surrogate, I hope the rest of the pregnancy and the birth go really well.

I agree with everything Oddboots says. I have had four surrogate children, and after people's initial questions and curiosity it becomes old news. I would urge you to answer people's questions honestly and truthfully. Surrogacy is just another way to have a baby and the more people who become informed and knowledgable about it, the better.

There is also lots of evidence that suggest children who are raised with their beginnings being discussed regularly in conversation grow up to be far more accepting of it than those who have a 'grand reveal' when their parents deem them old enough.

You say you aren't ashamed but you certainly come across as someone who hasn't fully come to terms with needing to use a surrogate.

I would definitely say to be totally honest with the child and their sibling, I do agree that even waiting until they are 'old enough to understand' is not a good idea. A friend adopted and was not sure when was old enough to tell, when her child would be able to understand everything, but I think drip feeding the truth into children is much better and they then only know it as normal for them.

All the best.

Hi - thanks for replies.

I am not ashamed to use a surrogate and have come to terms with it - the reason I was worried about what to say to people is these are people I hardly know and I don't think it is any of their business anyway.

Perhaps I just go to particularly nosy groups but I have already had lots of "when/will you have another?" type questions. At first I did sort of drop a few hints that I might not be able to and the number of people that rather than shutting up then kept probing for reasons or to find out whether I actually couldn't or just didn't much fancy it. And I don't need or want to discuss my medical history with people.

Another reason I'm concerned about people knowing is I just want both my dc to be thought of and treated the same. I don't want the second one to be "the surrogate one" and worry about if they go to school with people that know they might get hassle for it or people might wonder if I prefer my first child. Also it is a private thing that my second child might not want people to know about and so I am wary of revealing too much info that they in the future might not want people to know.

I think I will just rehearse what I will say and then say the same to everyone. That way I won't acidentally reveal too much info - such as how much it's cost us or lots of info about the surrogate if I'm caught off guard .

I wasn't planning to have a grand reveal but a drip feed info to the childrena as suggested. I don't really have issues with telling my family and close friends - just concerned about the reaction of the wider world so to speak.

I will give induced lactation a go. Oddboots - I'm interested that you know people who have tried it. Do you have any ideas on how far they started in advance of getting the baby?

Some of the websites I have seen suggest that you don't need that much prep and that just having the baby suckle can bring it on, but I would prefer t have got going a bit first. I have trouble getting milk established for my dd (she was ff for the first few days due to scbu so I had a lot of "catching up" to do).

There's no way I'd be able to cope with dry suckling a hungry baby not quite sure whether they'd ever be able to get anything out so would have to use the tube device connected to formula but would like to avoid this as much as possible as I'm not sure how well it will work. (I was thinking I'd probably just combination ff and bf if possible but deliver the formula via a bottle rather than a tube).

Hi - just wanted to add that I think the reason I am so concerned re what I tell people is that I'm very aware that I can't take back things once I've said them.

I live in quite a small town and although I don't have that much to do with the other mums at the moment (I work pt) my dd will attend preschool and almost certainly school with a lot of the children from toddler groups etc (and younger dc will as well).

The protocol seemed to start a couple of months before the birth but the mums I have known induce lactation had not experienced a pregnancy themselves and I think that makes the difference. If you have breastfed before I don't see why a regular pumping routine wouldn't re-establish supply even if it took a week or two. If you have or could get access to an electric double pump and some fenugreek then that would be the fastest way.

You probably know this already but many parents having their second child have similar worries to you, not exactly the same but along the same lines. I carried both my children myself but I still felt (and sometimes feel) really upset that I couldn't breastfeed my second as long as my first, every time I can't treat my children the same I worry, even when I know that's not logical.

I don't know if your surrogacy is host or straight and it's none of my business but mine was host (in case that makes a difference) and I can tell you that my first couple's children show no signs of being thought of as the 'non-surrogate' and the 'surrogate' one with family or any friends, they are just their children and the pregnancy with them doesn't get thought about.

I don't think it is a bad thing to think about what to say, people do ask all sorts of questions, you've probably found yourself that to some people pregnancy is a public event and it seems surrogacy is even more so, one of the best ways to deal with that is to have something that you parrot like 'it's not been cheap or easy but it's absolutely worth it'. If it comes to it then turn the conversation back on them and ask them about their family/holiday plans/work etc - people who ask a load of questions often like talking about themselves too.

My dd is a surrogate one, straight. Was easier for me in one way in as that she was my first (and only) so I just didn't go to toddler groups before!
If you're not keen on yours, can't you just try a new one out? Just appear with your child and baby?

My dd has known since before she could talk, we had photos of my friend pregnant with her and we told her oh look there you are in A' tummy and when other people were pregnant, I would say oh so and so is growing their new baby, I couldn't do that but we were so lucky because A grew you for us etc

I would think the induced lactation would be easier for I as you've been pregnant before? I never conceived and they said would be incredibly hard for me to lactate. Plus I wouldn't ever be likely to be able to produce enough to sustain her. Are you worried about bonding? Again, I can't compare but I just fell for her, the first time I saw her beady lil eyes look up at me

I do have another friend who has 2 kiddies, a straight surrogate first child, then that miracle when you stop trying baby .... She was more worried about bonding with her birth child!