Help me get some perspective

[Lovesoftplay]

Hi everyone, I don't know if I am being over sensitive here and would appreciate some perspective.

I am getting increasingly annoyed with parents of birth children saying "well, that would be difficult for any child" example......My youngest son starts pre-school in september and is so anxious about it, even more clingy than normal, and nightmares have restarted etc etc. I have spoken to at least 3 mums about this and all of them have said "yeh, it would be difficult for any child". There are several other recent examples but don't want to bore you with the details :)

I know it's difficult for any child but it's extra difficult for mine so stop minimising!!! I know they are trying to be helpful, but it's frustrating me.

Help!!!

Same thing here. We have adopted a second and she will go to nursery or preschool in sept. She prefers being here with me at home but I will eventually go back to work part time plus I think company of other children is good for her. She does not like me taking her and cries on the way there but is ok if dad drops her off. We have changed from the nursery were her brother went to a preschool on same site as his school now. Knowing he is there reassures her. She also takes a comforter duckie and has a special Princess bag to take which she loves. But I can understand her clingyness. It's another change and that's scary.

Ds1 settled in well to nursery after a few weeks. I kept in close contact with his key worker so we could help him whenever he was struggling. He was and still is a bit behind socially. You are right it is very different for adopted children and they can experience new things far more deeply because of past events. I just think other parents have no idea what Ds1 has experienced in his short lifetime and how brave he is. A word of caution - these same mothers were quite quick to blame playground antics on ds1 because he was adopted therefore he must have behavioural problems and it must be his fault. More often than not it wasn't!

tell them? maybe If they don't know how they are making you feel how can they change?

That is a good understanding for a pre school child to be anxious over something that they are going to be doing in a couple of months time. Are you sure that it is linked and not something that is going on now for him/her?

Lovesoftplay I hope the experience of new pre-school will be fine for your youngest. I can't offer a perspective as an adoptive parent, as I am not one (Yet). I guess what I would say is that it is something people often seem to do, not necessarily minimise on purpose but to try and claim common ground when talking about something you/or I/or 'one' know/s a lot about!

For example, after many years of failed fertility treatment trying to have child number two - I got comments from other mums who had tried for 6 months for their second and so seemed to think they knew how I would feel!

I think in these situations you have a few choices (IMHO) assuming they are well meaning and not being difficult on purpose (perhaps best to assume that until proved otherwise); that is either to smile and say 'let's hope it will all go well', or similar. Or to explain why it is difficult for adopted children in general. Or to explain why it is difficult for your child in particular.

I guess it depends if as time goes on and these mums become good friends of yours or their kids are good friends with your children. In those situations it may well be worth sharing with them some of the things that will help them to understand as you will be building a relationship for the future.

For others it will may be be easier on you to just accept that at the moment they can't quite grasp it and it is not your duty to educate everyone. This is the attitude I decided to take to some things.

Of course it will be best for your good friends and the teacher etc to know what is significant but don't feel bad if you can't explain everything to people in a suitable way.

Other mums/dads may be anxious for their own kids, they may be mentally grappling with own issues, like first or last child leaving for nursery or school and so sometimes it is not about you but about them!

I really hope it will all go well and try not to let others thoughtless comments upset you.

I can't give you any perspective but I can give you soem advice. You might not like it

Stop telling people that your child/ren are adopted. It's your child's information and it's private.

If everyone already knows ( because for example you adopted them aged 4) then stop mentioning to people.

Stop expecting bio parenst to understand. They don't. Most prospective adopters and many adoptive parenst don't even understand how long lasting the effects can be.neither do many social workers. You can't educate the world

Save your energy for explaining to those who really need to understand, like your child's teacher /childminder ettc

Give yourself and your child a pat on the back for doing so well that most of the time your child passes as " normal" and manages to cope so well

Meet up with other adoptive parenst ( in real life or online) and moan to us because we DO understand

Oops x osted with italian. I agree with her!!!!!!

Thanks everyone, it was advice I was after and you guys make sense :)

We adopted both our boys at an age where it was obvious I hadn't given birth in secret, so most people we know are aware they are adopted. The mums in question are very close friends (should probably have put that in the post-sorry) so know a bit more about them than people who just know they are adopted (if that makes sense?)

I have several friends who are adoptive parents, and you're right, they do understand better.

You are also right about expecting people with birth children to understand, they won't so I should stop expecting them to.

Thanks again, I feel better now from just taking a couple of hours out :)

You are welcome Lovesoftplay. I should say the mothers I referred to in my post are now some of my closest friends and their understanding of adoption has really grown. They have also been helpful showing me that sometimes ds1 is just beings six year old boy and it has nothing to do with adoption issues. Ours came at an age where it was obvious they were adopted and I hadn't suddenly produced a two year old in May when I turned up at the playground to pick up ds1. Roll on the summer holidays can't wait to have them home.

"Meet up with other adoptive parenst ( in real life or online) and moan to us because we DO understand"

If you take nothing else out of this thread remember that comment because it took me a while to learn that (for whatever reason) people are either totally incapable of appreciating that there may be additional challenges for your child or they are trying to jolly you out of believing there might be.

Give up.

They won't understand - it the key moan of adoptive parents I know that they aren't ever allowed to attribute any additional stress/challenge to adoption issues.

I read this thread by accident. As a bio parent, I can totally imagine how one (and maybe I) might say the 'hard for any child' comment, not because of not getting that it probably would be quite a bit harder for an adopted child, but because of thinking that the best way to reassure somebody was to try to minimise their worries.

I can also see how saying it might be a way of trying to say 'well, I can tell you feel different as an adoptive parent, but I want to reassure you that we're in this parenting larky together,' without realising that you might have a real, solid difference that you are both proud of but also need to explore and manage.

I think that loads of people just don't get how to listen when someone is upset and concerned. They don't get that you just need to listen and accept the issue and not play things down/provide a solution.

This thread is very helpful for me. Because we adopted just as my dd1 started reception, most people in my community know. I get increasingly irritated by how they both ask intrusive questions and rush to pump out the 'that would be the same for any child' line. I'm sure you're all right and that it usually indicates their attempt to reassure, but sometimes I think it's also a bit of a cutting me down to size, a 'don't think you're special because your child is adopted'. Maybe I'm feeling a bit sensitised I got a bit jumped at the schoolgates the other day, but I'll save that for another thread..

Anyway, reading this thread has reminded me not to expend energy on the things I can't change, and to do a bit more smiling and waving.

I'm with Crazyhead, in that I think comments like that are meant well ("this parenting stuff is difficult, you're not alone"), rather than vindictive ("don't think you're special because your child is adopted"). I think unless you have some reason to know about attachment disorders and other issues that particularly affect adopted children, most parents won't come across these things, therefore genuinely not understand eg why leaving an adopted child in new surroundings can be particularly traumatic for them.

Mind you, I do think sometimes it is hard to know whether certain behaviour is due to adoption related issues or just small children stuff. Eg I know that one of our friends' adopted children behaves appallingly at the table because of things that happened during his (multiple) foster placements, but equally he's behaving pretty like lots of other 4 year olds I see in restaurants.

comments are often well meant but like with any other thing thats troubling you its frustrating to have it dismissed. Sometimes I do want to talk about specific issues and I can't always round up a suitable adoptive parent on demand!

DS displays very very issues openly and we manage those he does display in a pretty low key way which helps him fit in. At school he is popular with teachers because he is pretty compliance. But he recently had a melt down at school because we'd unwittingly left his gym kit in the car and the school rule is no gym kit - no PE. DS handles exclusion very, very badly - as his teacher was to discover. She was totally shocked and had no idea how to handle it - apparently once she said she was going to call me, he calmed down markedly and I brought gym kit in only a little late and he was able to participate at least partly.

It was the first time the teacher had acknowledged that his meltdown was different to "normal" temper tantrums ( I had previously mentioned them in case he had one in school but it hadn't happened). She agreed with me that you had to see it to understand, and that fear takes over, rather than anger. He shakes with fear and you can see it in his eyes. If I were to mention it to another parent I feel sure I would get "oh yes they are all getting tired and crotchety at the end of term"

Sorry long rant - I am (like Hester) feeling a bit sensitive at the moment but perhaps that too is for another thread - perhaps I'll start one....

Rant away Kew! It's frustrating when others dismiss concerns. I guess with anything, unless you really understand the issues that others are facing, it's hard to say something constructive in support. Hence trite comments.

Gwan, Kew, start a touchy-poor-me thread. I'll join in.

started... you're late to the party!

Just coming to find you. I could do with a moan.