Open evening soon, what should we ask?

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi, we have an open evening with our local social services soon. I know the kind of thing, lots of eager people, lots of coffee and biscuits and a few smiling professional, a presentation and then a Q and A, plus chance to ask questions one to one with the staff.

Any ideas of good things to ask/say? Please.

We can apply officially in UNDER TWO MONTHS! So excited but trying to be calm and take it all in. Want to get most out of evening.

Thanks so much.

Moomoomie-bless you for keeping these childfen together. You are a good person

Not at all Kristina. For us she came home at the right time. We really wanted another child, but, for some daft reason we did not want to bring a child who was not a birth sibling into the equation.
We call her our Brucie Bonus.
I remember the phone call from SS really well, the SW knew us well and said to me. I think you better sit down before I tell you some news.
I phoned DH at work, in an excited state, once he had put the phone down, a colleague asked him if all was ok. He replied. "I suppose I'm a dad again!"
Sorry Italian. Bit of a tangent there.

Your earlier post KRistina is so true.
Fortunately we are in a position financially and emotionally that I could give up work.
My 3 would find it difficult, even now, to have another care giver. Other than dh and I. Also we do have many, many hospital appointments. TAC meetings etc.
I feel I have a full time job just sorting all these out. Although I am sure it can be juggled with work.

I think at the moment, Italian, your line to your SW should be something like "we would consider x, y and z and are aware that we might need to make arrangements for longer than planned adoption leave / not returning to work". Ie you let them know that you are aware it won't necessarily be as simple as straightforward maternity leave, pop them in nursery and off you go. But over the coming months as you work through the assessment process, you will get lots of opportunities to work through reslisiticalky what youncould cope with now and in the future, and you and your DH do need to be realistic about the challenges you could face with an adopted child.

We always said that we would need to be very realistic about the issues we could deal with, and I always intended to return to work. But at the same time, we also knew that if we had to do something like only one of us work, deal with significant issues etc we would find a way. Our DS is fit and healthy, and touch wood, long may that rermainnthe case, but we know that if somethingnhappened to him that meant he needed extra care, we would do whatever it was that he needed. We would do the same for our DD now too.

Think Families is right about the approach to take. It's fine to have returning to work as 'Plan A', as long as you are aware that there might have to be a 'Plan B'. In my experience, the majority do go back to work who want to. I am one of the few people I know who has big work problems. I can do part time now and have done for a few years

I personally find my DD2's learning disability the easiest thing about her! It affects her social skills but not her behaviour. I know many other parents including adoptive parents who have learning disabled children who are a joy to parent, because they don't really have any behavioural difficulties. I find emotional difficulties and behavioural problems far more difficult. On the other hand, some people would find it the opposite way around of course!

As general advice - if you know of a certain behavioural difficulty when being linked with a child, then ask youself, if this doesn't get much better in a few years time, can I still cope? Cope meaning carry on parenting the child. Because as much as many problems can be worked on and solved, others can't. And you don't know which ones are long term issues at the time of matching. To take DD1 as an example - she used to have major control issues. She has few now. She had complex PTSD involving major problems. She has few symptoms now. However, among others her food issues (hoarding mainly) have never gone away. Even now, she always has a fully stocked fridge at all times, she throws out so much food she never gets around to eating. When worried, she can eaily eat herself to being physically sick. She doesn't feel okay to leave her home without some food in her handbag. I didn't know when adopting her that her food issues would be permanent (I don't believe they will ever leave her). If I had assumed I could parent them away, it would have been very hard for me.

Anyway, I think it's fine as i said to have a Plan A which includes no global learning disabilities (certain learning difficulties like Dyslexia I don't think you can plan to avoid), going back to work etc. If you wind up in a situation where you need a Plan B, you have to find a way through. But as long as Plan A is realistic, then plan for that firstly. Honestly the majority of prospective adopters feel the same way, I doubt SW would be surprised in any way

IGH this has become an interesting thread with lots of positive posters, which I am sure you have found helpful. All LAC placed for adoption will have (to a greater or lesser extent) emotional distress, often manifested in difficult behaviour.

I honestly think that the best thing that anyone awaiting adoption (or adoptors) can do is to read up/ discuss the issue of "Attachment" and "Attachment Disorder" - the theory is really about how children form a secure attachment (or not) from their earliest hours, days, weeks and months with parents, or caregivers. This happens when the baby's needs are attended to and he is nurtured and cared for by loving parents; hence he grows to learn that adults are to be trusted and will keep him safe. This isn't at a conscious level of course.

Conversely babies whose needs are not attended to, his need for food, love, nurturing and caring are neglected, grow up with an insecure attachment. Worse still the baby who is abused or seriously neglected can grow into a child with an "attachment disorder" and they learn that adults are not to be trusted and they have to find a way to survive in this kind of dysfunctional family. Again this isn't at a conscious level but childre do make decisions about how to keep themselves safe.

I could go on and on but I'll stop there, but I do urge you to read up on this issue because love alone won't solve these difficulties and some adoptors find that very hard to understand. These damaged children can be helped but the adoptors do need to understand about the importance of attachment. Many LAs run courses on attachment but others lag behind on the issue and I have come across many social workers who have no real understanding of this important issue.

I am sure books on attachment theory will be available on Amazon or on the British Agency for Fostering & Adoption (BAAF) site, or on Adoption UK.

Ah another brilliant post from Lilka which I found really interesting and I'm sure other posters, especially the OP will also find helpful.

Lilka, NanaNina, Kristina, Families and all. Thank you for all your wise words. I am aware that there may be a situation where I would not be able to go back to work and of course if my child/children needed me full time that would be what I would need to do. I currently work part-time and I have remote access so I manage to work quite a bit from home and it does not stop me doing lots and lots of things with DD.

It is a very fair point that once the social workers have finished with us, of course if we do manage to adopt then we will have the rest of our lives parenting a child. I guess it does seem so much more scary than giving birth, and in a way there are times when I wonder how I will cope! I am hopeful that all the training and preparation will be useful. I am not nieve enough to think love will overcome all, but I am hopeful I can make parent successfully and make a difference in a child's life, just as they will make a difference in mine.

I am amazed by all your courage and hard work, all the things you do for your children. I know you will all say it is a privalage to parent them, and I am sure it is but it is also amazing because you are (some of you I know from what you have written about) dealing with many issues at home that are hard.

Anyway, of course we will try to be both open and honest with Social workers and see where this leads. I very much want to adopt and have thought about this for over 20 years! It seems the closer we get to it the harder it can seem!

Thank you for your help and support.

PS I mean I personally have thought about it for 20 years, since I visited an orphanage overseas.

DH and I have only been considering it for 5 years and we could not adopt 5 years ago as DD was too young.