Advice on friends and family please!

[Ladyofthehouse]

A couple of weeks ago we were approved to adopt so are waiting for a match. We understand that this could take weeks or months so are quite happy still celebrating being approved and saving hard for the next part of the journey!

My question is how to hold off friends and family getting over excited??!

I have heard via DH that my MIL wants to organise a baby shower and has been discussing it with others. It's very sweet of her (I organised one for SIL whilst having fertility treatment) and apparently people want an opportunity to buy presents.

They've all been involved throughout the process and seem to understand the differences but I really don't feel this is appropriate. It's way too early but even if it was after a match I would feel so stupid having a 'traditional' baby shower when I'm not pregnant! I also think DH should be involved because he has done as much to get us this far as I have.

We think we'd like to do something after the adoption has happened and gone through the courts as a welcoming for the child/children which our SW suggested, nothing too big (and obviously dependent on how the children have settled in) but just something to mark the day.

So I'm not sure what to do? what did everybody else do? I really don't want to offend anyone but I dont want to walk into a room one day and have a surprise I'll hate. am I being miserable? DH suggested us all getting together to celebrate but I don't think that went down very well as it wasn't 'special' for me!

Any thoughts?

I think you are right to be cautious. How old will the child/children be?

Can you talk to your MIL and say something like 'the Social Workers have advised us to introduce the children to new family members very slowly and not all at once, a big 'reception or party' would be totally inappropriate'.

I speak from experience as a number of relatives/friends have adopted children and they all certainly advise avoiding a big celebration. Good luck with what you are doing, but please go in with your eyes wide open as it is not an easy journey ...................

Thanks for the response - and don't worry our SW has been very good and we feel prepared for what we are sure won't be an easy journey!

They aren't talking about doing anything with the child/children but just for me now or post matching. Luckily they do understand about staying away to begin with once a child has been placed.

I guess this is more just about me not feeling comfortable with a lot of fuss!

Just wondered if other adoptive mums to be get the same questions from friends and family

I had planned a big celebration post approval, but then was matched very quickly so it didn't happen in the end.

Looking back, I do wish I'd had the opportunity to have one last party/night out with friends and family as, aside from anything else, you just don't get to do that kind of thing and see large groups of people for quite a while.

So, I would say: consider it. Maybe not the Baby Shower thing, but maybe something after matching panel- a celebration of approval and a chance to share your joy at impending parenthood with those who have been part of your journey.
I wouldn't change anything in terms of how things happened for us, but I would have loved to have seen people before introductions started as you will need to introduce people to your child/ren at a very gradual pace so might not see some people for a while.

Thanks Happysunflower - I like the idea of something post matching panel. And I might just borrow your lovely wording of it to persuade my MIL that is more appropriate!

Everyone seems fully prepared for us to go off the radar and not to be introduced immediately which is a relief as I was worried whether people would understand that.

Yep, I think a baby shower type thing will heighten everyone's expectations that you will get a child very soon. And that might make it much harder for you to manage the strain of the pre-match wait (which, IME, can be considerable).

Still, it's very sweet of them to want to do it. My nearest and dearest were all cats bum mouth and disapproving before matching, and loudly absent after it. I didn't get cards or flowers or anything [sniffs self-pityingly]. So certainly, enjoy the thought, even if you don't want to take them up on it.

I'd suggest making the most of this time, as once you are matched you won't have time to do this sort of thing, and after placement you certainly won't...

Maybe point out that as you don't know the age, sex, background of the child(ren) you will matched with, you'd rather people didn't waste their money buying things you might not need?

We had a christening quite soon after the court process was complete, more to celebrate our DD's arrival than because of religious reasons. And we suggested contributions to her CTF rather than presents (it was quite soon after Xmas and just before her birthday!)