Letterbox contact - pros and cons?

[ScreamIfYouWantToGoFaster]

Hi

This is my first time posting in this section, so please forgive me if I break any of the rules of etiquette. I've been lurking in this forum for a long time, because I'm very interested in adopting, always have been. I have one birth DC, she's only a couple of months old (no fertility issues) so we're planning to wait until she's over 3 before we initiate our application. So this enquiry is very early!

I just wanted to find out what effect letterbox contact has had on other families, and whether it has been a force for good or bad? On the surface, the idea of my future DC having regular contact with someone who could be an addict, or in and out of jail, or other social problems, worries me. On the other hand of course my future DC will always be curious about their biological relatives, and I just want to do what's best for them. Can anyone tell me about their experience of the letterbox process, and whether it has been positive or negative?

Thanks in advance!

Hi Scream

Well, I do it very regluarly for my youngest two. We have a more open situation than most, with photographs, videos, cards, presents and meetings as well as letters. I write to their first mum and to their brothers and sisters - I am in contact with 14 siblings and half siblings atm, and one aunt and uncle. Although quite alot of the siblings are living together and I'm not writing seperately to all of them!! I do wind up writing quite a lot though and i have to be organised to get it done!

It's something to think about because it's probably the most common arrangement there is. Most people write about 1 or 2 letters a year, but if there are siblings you may well end up with more. The majority of children avaialble have letterbox, and if you didn't want it you would be quite restricted on which children you could adopt

People have pretty varied experiences. I tried with my eldest, but she didn't want any contact and I was happy to stop tbh. It was just a reminder of being abused. But it has been very positive with my younger ones, in very different circumstances.

My children benefit in various ways. DD2 is close to her mum, and always reassured to know when she is doing well - she was older when removed and still worries and feels responsibility towards her. She also tends to fantasise about her, and letters expose her to the reality that she can't live with her mum. They don't have to worry about whether or not she is doing well, they don't have to wonder when they have questions. DD2 knows through writing that her mum also has talent for sewing, knitting so that's where she gets it from! She knows who she looks like. Both DD and DS like hearing from their brothers and sisters.

However, whilst our contact is reliable, for many people letters can be sporadic. It's not easy writing for the original family usually, and often they don't feel able to do it, or don't know what to write etc. It's a tough call whether to share a letter with a younger child in case their hopes are raised too much and then another letter does not arrive. It's sometimes really hard for the adoptive parents to write as well, no matter how positive the contact is.

Hopefully, the letters should be vetted (going both ways) so nothing totally inappropriate is said. That the contact is controlled and anonymous (depending on the situation) should satisfy worries about the fact they are drug addicts etc. You have to talk to DC about these issues anyway, as you start explaining why they were removed. Also, letters are generally written to the parents, and it's up to you when or if to show them to a young child. Many people put them in special boxes and wait till the children ask to see them

I think I've rambled a bit! Basically, I think it can be very positive depending on the circumstances. Everyone you ask will have a different opinion though

Lilka thank you so much for sharing your experience, that's really helpful!

We do letterbox contact once a year with our daughters birth mother, birth father and her half brother.

We've only done one so far, another one due soon. It's been the easiest bit of the process

We do annual letter box contact with our 2 daughters' birth family. I was initially anxious about it but have generally found it to be positive. The communication is between the adults as our girls are still quite young.
We keep our letters factual and talk about the things the girls are doing and what they enjoy.
The girls are not aware of the exchange because we don't want them to be upset if a letter does not arrive, as can happen. Instead we work the news we receiv into our general discussion with them about life stories and their life story books, which they love. It helps to stop them fantasizing about birth family etc. Through the scheme we were also able to request a photo of their birth mother. They didn't have any at all of her, which they found upsetting.
When they are older I expect that we will start to show them the actual letters, but not yet.
We also maintain annual contact with the foster carer they were with before they were placed, although this is unoffical and not part of Social Services' letter box scheme. They were with the foster carer with a long time (in my younger daughter's case, considerably longer than she spent living with her birth mother) and they do tend to confuse this period with other aspects of their early life. So it is helpful to have this contact which helps to clarify things.