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Adoption

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Original poster

I have no idea what to do

18 replies

nickname5555 · 29/06/2012 00:59

I've namechanged for this as it could hurt people if I'm outed.

Due to a cluster of events I believe I may have been adopted at birth. I don't know how to approach this with my family, what do I say?!

Are there records? How do I get access to them? Would my
birth certificate show my birth parents names or my (possibly) adoptive parents names?

I am in a bit of a haze and can't figure out what to do, I need proof one way or another before blurting it out and possibly hurting my family if it's not true. If it is true then they have obviously kept it secret for a reason, so again I still might upset them.

Could I really have gone 20+ years without knowing? Is that even possible?

Any advice, please?

OP posts:
forgetmenot7 · 29/06/2012 01:36

You can apply to general registry of births and deaths and ask for an original of your birth certificate. Normally it has on it that it an adoption of birth cert.

Lilka · 29/06/2012 14:12

I'm sorry nickname, this must be such a difficult time for you

It isn't very difficult to find out if you have been adopted. If you have been formally adopted through the proper channels, then you will have

  1. A long birth certificate - this was issued at your birth and will list your birth parents
  2. An amended short birth certificate - issues after the adoption finalisation, and lists your adoptive name only. Parents details are not put on short bc's.
  3. An adoption certificate - this takes the place of a long birth certificate, after an adoption. It will list your adoptive parents details and other adoption details such as the adoption date, and the name of the court which granted it

After adoption, adoptees no longer have a usable long birth certificate, as we don't put adoptive parents names on bc's and the original certificate is legally void

So, if you have seen a long birth certificate (has parents details) with your parents names on, then you are not adopted. Although it's possible for the wrong man to be listed as the birth father. You couldn't mistake a bc for an ac, they have different information on

You can find out by simply applying for the certificates. You can order an adoption certificate online - if you were adopted, you would get the certificate in the post. If you weren't, no record would be found matching your details

Is there anyone irl you could confide in? A close friend or similar?

shockers · 29/06/2012 14:24

I'm afraid it could be possible. When we were doing our training to adopt, people who had already gone through the process were invited to talk to us. When questioned, one lady confessed that she hadn't told her two girls when they were very small and it had got harder and harder, the older they'd got. I think her eldest was 11 at the time. I often wonder if she ever managed to tell them Sad.

I would go along the route explained by Lilka. I think if you were to ask and it wasn't the case, you run the risk of hurting your family's feelings.

Good luck with it all.

Original poster
nickname5555 · 29/06/2012 22:14

Thank you so much for your replies. I will apply for my adoption certificate tomorrow, so if I'm not adopted they will simply say there are no records? That will be final?

I haven't seen my birth certificate, I have asked my parents for it in the past and been told it's gone. I have only recently discovered I can apply for a copy, they always told me it was lost and that was that. Little things like that are all sitting badly in my gut now.

I don't really have anyone I can talk to irl, I'm feeling a bit like I can't trust anything anyone says to me right now. If I have been adopted then my entire extended family & family friends have been lying to me for over 20 years.

OP posts:
shockers · 29/06/2012 22:33

Please don't let the 'lie' issue cloud the life you have had (if this is what you think it is).

The reason that people in your family will have tried to forget your past (again, if this it what you think it is...), is because they dearly wanted you to be theirs. They will not have understood that you might have needed to know. Maybe friends of family never knew... or have since forgotten.

If your theory proves to be true... and you have been loved and nurtured, please don't be too hard on them.

Every day as an adoptive parent, I wish that I had given birth to my children. The most wonderful thing is, I could have had children naturally with my husband, we just chose to foster for a while... and then we met our Son! We met him the day that he was born and we have loved him unconditionally ever since. That doesn't mean we don't ever get cross with him.. but he is ours and we love him and are proud of him.

I have one birth son, who is older, and two adopted children. I can honestly say that, for me there is no difference in the love that I have for them.

I hope that helps.

x

Original poster
nickname5555 · 29/06/2012 23:25

Thank you shockers, it's very helpful to hear it from the parent's perspective. Your children sound very lucky and loved.

I am trying to be careful with how I approach this because I do understand that they will have hidden it for a reason, whatever that reason may be, and I am grateful for everything they have done for me whether I am adopted or not.

I need to know for sure before I can deal with my feelings and accept it all. Hopefully it will be out in the open soon.

OP posts:
Devora · 29/06/2012 23:41

I agree with what shockers has said. Obviously I don't know you or your family, but please remember that it used to be thought of as the kind thing to do to not tell children they were adopted. I have two people in my extended family who found out as adults that their biological parents were not who they thought they are - in both cases, the motive was love, not malice. (That didn't stop it being painful when the truth emerged, of course.)

I too love my adopted dd as much as I love my birth dd. I would love to not have to tell her that she didn't grow in my tummy. All my instincts are to protect her from the truth about her origins. But of course I won't, beccause I live in a time when we believe it's wrong to lie to children. (And because I'm lesbian, so probably woudln't get away with that little deceit Grin).

Think about who you will have to look after you if you get shocking news from your search. We'll be here, of course, but you'll need someone in RL too.

KristinaM · 30/06/2012 05:37

if you are only in your 20s, your parenst would definietly have been told by social workers to tell you ( if you are adopted ) as soon as possible . however, often parenst are told by well meaning frineds and relatives to ignore this advice, and either keep it secret or tell the child when they afe older

the problem is that to keep this secret you then end up havving to tell lies . people usually dont want to do this but they dont know what else to do. it then becomes such a big thing and they dont know how to go back on it. does this make sense? as others have said, it was well intentioned but ends up hurting everyone :(

another reason that parenst are secretive about birth certificates is the parenst were not married at the time, or the fathers name is not on it, or the father name is different .

mirry2 · 06/07/2012 13:13

You would need your birth certificate in order to apply for a passport. If you need to, this could be a reason to explain why you want it.

Original poster
Nickname5555 · 07/07/2012 02:53

I am adopted.

My certificate came on Tuesday and I was so scrambled I tucked it away and haven't thought about it. I haven't broached it with anyone yet. I don't know what to do next but I don't want to ignore it forever.

I want to say to my family "I know I'm adopted, but it's okay." I don't know how to do this without them being upset that I mistrusted them and went behind ther backs, or without making them think I am
unhappy with them.

I do want to know my real story and history but I think that's going to be a long way off.

Any advice?

OP posts:
golemmings · 07/07/2012 07:33

Wow. In your shoes I wouldn't know how to deal with it either. I was adopted from birth but I always knew.

What was it that made you suspect?
How do you feel now your suspicions have been confirmed?

Can you tell your family that you needed your birth certificate for your passport as someone suggested up thread and then just ask (in a tone that suggests its no big deal even though it is) why they didn't tell you?
Do you have siblings? Might they also be adopted?
I can't imagine that not telling you would be out of malice.
Let us know how you get on.

sybilfaulty · 07/07/2012 08:01

Gosh, what a lot to take in.

If you need to talk to a person in RL, may I suggest The Samaritans? They are not just for people in the worst possible place, but offer a listening service and an opportunity to talk to a real person about how you are feeling. That might help you get some things straight in your mind before you broach your family with your questions.

www.samaritans.org/talk_to_someone.aspx

Take care and let us know how you get on. Best wishes

mummytime · 07/07/2012 08:11

You could try this service for advice.

FamiliesShareGerms · 07/07/2012 08:45

Gosh Nickname, your head must be whirring right now.

Please find someone in real life to talk to about this.

Good luck

TulipsfromAmsterdam · 07/07/2012 10:36

Really feel for you Nickname. I recently found out during assessment to become foster carer that my plan was for adoption, however my mum found the strength to fight her family and keep me. This was a huge shock so you must be reeling at the moment.
I had to talk to mum about everything and it was very hard and now has been brushed under the carpet a bit, but that suits both of us.
I think it is important to speak to your family when the time is right and be prepared for it to be painful but once you know the truth it should help heal.
Good luck and hope you can confide in someone soon.

clangermum · 07/07/2012 10:48

Your local authority should have a post adoption service. If you ring them you should be entitled to see someone in confidence and for free to talk through how you might want to approach your family and what else you can find out. If it's too painful to ask your family at the moment, maybe you could find out more of your history with the help of a social worker, and this might explain some things for you? Your parents may have been dreading this day for a long time. Go easy on yourself and them. Hope everything works out for you.

clangermum · 07/07/2012 10:49

just to clarify, when I said 'approach your family' I meant the family that raised you

Mama1980 · 09/07/2012 10:50

How are you doing nickname? X

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