Can I ask your opinion? Sending BM a photo.

[Happyasapiginshite]

When we were in court in Russia, we got our dd's BM's address. BM hasn't seen dd since her birth. I want to send her a photo of dd, tell her that dd is happy, settled, likes music etc. We know very little about BM but can guess at her circumstances. I want to send the photo because I think that no matter what the circumstances of dd's relinquishment, I think she'll still think of her at times and would like to know that dd is happy and settled. I don't even know if she knows dd is adopted.

DH thinks I shouldn't send her a photo yet because

1. he thinks I'm applying my standards to BM's emotions ie I think she's feeling loss etc, he thinks this may not be the case.
2. If she is feeling loss, this will only upset her so soon after relinquishing dd.
3. If she doesn't feel the loss, what is the point in sending her a photo.

He thinks we should wait till dd is around 5. I think we should send her a photo every year.

Is there any way to find out more about BM?

I was 99% for you sending the picture, then I wondered about BM's own safety - what if someone else at that address doesn't know about DD? It's a really hard call for you as I agree with yr reasoning as to whether BM would appreciate seeing a picture.

I know a little bit more than I want to post about BM. There wouldn't be a safety issue, her family all know about dd.

i think it's a lovely idea to send a picture

if she is feeling the loss then she will be upset anyway, and perhaps having a photo and knowing her dd is being cared for well will help?

you can't second-guess her reaction.
if she is not feeling the loss then she won't care about the picture either way, that's not necessarily a reason not to send one

I don't think you can second guess her reaction either. The idea of not sending a photo because it will hurt her makes me feel quite uncomfortable, but I can't really articulate why

Maybe it's that saying that a photo will make loss worse is a major assumption, which, having spoken to quite a few mothers (who relinquished children) irl and online, does not seem to hold true

A major concern for me in your situation would be her safety, but you are pretty sure that there thankfully isn't a problem with that

Actually, as soon as I posted send, I worked why I feel uncomfortable!

You have her address. You can safely write to her. You don't know whether or not she would want a photo

So the obvious solution presenting itself, is to write to her, and ask her what she would like, as you are happy to send photos if she wants. Write a letter introducing yourselves, and tell her that if she wants, you are happy to send photos and a letter every year. Your husband is deciding how she feels for himself, when you can actually ask her and get a hopefully honest answer. No need to second guess

A short introductory letter at first also seems good because if she does not want contact at all, she can turn it down without having photos or a long descriptive letter she does not want

Hope you and DD are doing well Happy

I should also add, IMO, even if she's not at a place in her life now where she's able to process the hugeness of her loss, it may hit her hard at a later stage in her life and the photos might be important to her then.

We're doing great, thanks Lilka. I'm still soooo not cool about her, I expect everyone in the world to stop what they're doing and admire her cuteness.

What you suggest about sending a letter makes sense but without even asking DH, I know he'll say no way. He's Mr Security and wouldn't want BM to have our address in case she landed on our door one day.

What about if I gave BM an email address? I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have a computer but maybe she could get access to one?

the only problem i can see with that is if she is in a position where she can't reply.
clearly i have no idea of her circumstances, but it's possible that she wouldn't be able to write or post a letter back, or have access to a computer, or maybe she would just feel too scared to do so?

could you ask the place you adopted DD from for advice?

If she has email access, then email seems good. Although in some rural regions, access would be pretty sporadic or non-existant I imagine

Alternatively, a PO Box address?

thisisyesterday, we did an independent adoption so there's noone to ask. I feel she wouldn't have computer access now but if she was to ever go to a city, there are cyber cafes.

Lilka, a PO Box is a good idea. I might investigate that.

I stopped sending photos of my kids when I found out that their BM was posting the pictures on-line, despite this being against the 'rules'. This shouldn't be about what the birth parent would like or would not like, but what is best for your child/children. Is there any reason, really, for sending photos?

But you would have to pay for the PO box full time - it seems silly. How often would you have to check it?

Why not send a nice letter containing your email address?

Having said that, do you know the problems that contact can cause, particularly if you decide later that you don't want it? I can't imagine anything worse than being the BM and having contact then the AM refusing to reply.

Thanks for all the input. Neverending, your point about who would it be really for is the reason we ultimately decided not to send a photo. There would just be too many unknowns if we sent it.

I know you decided not to send the photo but if you change your mind (are you in the UK?) get in touch with your local authority and explain the situation and see whether they will help you provide a postbox facility for your child. The will take care of all incoming mail so your address will remain confidential. After 3 years I think they are actually obliged to provide all adoption support so I don't think there will be an issue.

We do postbox with birth parents. I think having postbox provides a good opportunity to find out stuff, ie with my daughter I have learned that she has her love of art from her father's side. In the long term it will help give her a sense of identity.

I went to Barnardo's yesterday to talk to a child psychologist about something else and spoke to him about it. It really helped me to clarify my thoughts and ultimately, I realised I wanted to send it for the BM (because of the loss I presume she feels and the guilt I have around that, stupid I know) but I realise my priority is my dd and there are too many unknowns if I was to send it. So I'll park the idea for a while and maybe come back to it when dd is older.

Thanks for your thoughts, it's always good to get other opinions.