How would you word this letter to DDs birth father.

[SkinnyMalinkiLongLegs]

We have letterbox contact with DDs BF. He has always found it difficult to accept her adoption but is quite supportive of us. Recently DD has asked if she could meet her BF and we are happy to support that.

The only issue I have is that BF always calls himself "daddy" when writing to DD. He always sends her a book with his letters (we asked him to do that rather than the postal orders he wanted to give her). The books are lovely but he always puts an inscription along the lines of:

To my darling daughter
I love and miss you so much
Love always
Your Daddy

Birthday/Christmas cards are also very large and gushy and signed from Daddy.

Rightly or wrongly this has always made DH and I slightly uncomfortable but we have ignored it.

DD is very aware of the part her birth parents played in making her and she accepts she has two families. However, DH and I feel that her BF should call himself by his name (not daddy). I am going to write to him asking for his co-operation in this before we arrange any direct contact. I don't want to hurt his feelings or undermine the part he has played in bringing this amazing child into our lives. Any ideas how I can word the letter in a firm but caring and positive way.

I have discussed this with a SW and her response was "well he is her Daddy" so I don't forsee much support there.

You sound lovely and sensitive. Can I ask how old your DD is? In time it wouldn't be a problem as your DD would be very clear in her head about the relationships. If she is young though its tricky especially as it is hard to bring up with her BF without it all being really awkward.

Hi SkinnyMalinkiLongLegs I am not an adoptive mum so I do not have a full handle on all the feelings and emotions involved. I just wanted to say that I do hope it will all work out for you as a family and your daughter will be able to experience the visit without any problems.

I wonder how old your daughter is, as lopsided asks too.

I also wonder if others who have had birth family visits have any advice about this, or if social services can help in terms of that.

I wonder what your daughter calls you both and what she calls her birth father?

I also wonder if she remembers her birth father or was adopted as a baby?

Please do not share this information unless you feel happy doing so, I am just wondering because all these factors might affect how you all feel.

I really do not have any words of wisdom for you in terms of the letter except to express it in terms of what would be best for your daughter. As that is the thing the birth father will most likely respond to well.

I hope it will work out and you will not find it all too difficult. Wishing you well.

Thank you both for replying.
DD is just 5. She has lived with us from birth and last saw her BF when she was 9 months old. So she doesn't remember him at all. When we talk about him DD calls him by his name.
When DD was looking at the latest book he sent she was confused that it said from "daddy". She said "I thought sent me this, why does it say daddies name in it".
Whilst she does know that BF made her she couldn't seem to grasp the connection between someone who she knows as her biological father and her daddy. To her they are two completely separate things.

Hi SkinnyMalinkiLongLegs. I think it sounds very much like your DD would be confused if on meeting her birth father he referred to himself as Daddy. I think birth father would perhaps respond best to the idea of not confusing your DD and helping to make the meeting a success rather than a confusing failure for your DD.

Hope it all goes OK. Have you had any advice from any professionals about how to conduct it?

Based on what you've posted and with the disclaimer that I'm no expert:

First, would your DD's BF except some other title such as Father or Dad? This has worked with some friends who have re-married and whose new DP has taken the main male parental role.

Secondly could you explain to your DD that BF was her first Daddy and that he is a very brave and wise man so when he realised that he couldn't look after her properly he gave her to you to love even though it hurt terribly. Then explain the different title if it's been agreed.

If the BF won't accept a different title I think I'd stick to the same explanation with your DD, BF is her first Daddy but Daddy is Daddy now iykwim. I think since you have allowed contact (and kudos to you for doing so) you need to be a little sensitive to BF's feelings while doing your best to protect your DD and DP's.

Hi Skinny,

Given her age and confusion already over his use of the word 'daddy', I would definitely write to him before setting up a meeting, and would not go ahead without an assurance that he will call himself 'Y'

I'm in a situation which is similar in some ways. My two younger children have the same mother. She is 'Mum' to DD and always has been, but DS came to me at 23 months, and knows her by her name or as 'first mum'. Luckily, she is very understanding, and writes all her letters and cards seperately to them, signing DD's as 'mum' (mummy when she was younger) and DS as 'X (your first mother)'

I would not mention you and your DH feelings in your letter. I would completely frame it as being solely about your DD. She calls him 'Y'. She would be confused if he called himself Daddy to her face. Therefore, if they meet, you ask respectfully that he call himself Y. That you hope he understands that you want a meeting to be a happy and positive occasion, and if DD were to get confused or upset, it wouldn't be. Calling himself Y will make her understand who he is.

At the end of the day, your DD's feelings must come first, and contact won't be sucessful unless everyone respects HER. Everyone else can fit in around what she needs

I am annoyed at your SW's response, frankly. She doesn't get to decide who everyone is, that right resides with your DD alone. She evidently knows one Daddy and one 'Y', so SW must go with that

Are you planning to write a letter especially about a meeting? I would do that, and the SW should go and visit him with your letter and discuss things, The ground rules for everyone need to be clear with no ambiguity

The SW can show him the letter, and also make it clear that unless he agrees, a meeting can't go ahead

Or, have you thought about meeting him yourself beforehand? I have met DD and DS mum several times, including before DD met her. I felt it was important to fill her in on how DD was doing, how DD was likely to act in the meeting etc, and also what things she shouldn't say to DD because it was guarunteed to upset her

My DS (6) would be very confused and actually probably a bit alarmed and insecure if he was sent to meet someone calling themselves "Daddy". I think you need to tell social worker and BF very clearly that DD is confused about it and that if meeting is to go ahead both of them have to commit to a title or name for him that everyone especially you and her, can live with. Or it doesn't happen.

I am really shocked at your sw's response. I thought it was a huge no-no for birth parents to call themselves Mummy and Daddy in contact letters. I think it is really important that you draw a strong line in the sand here. Your dd has never known her BF. He is not her daddy. She already has a daddy. I'm sympathetic to his feelings but they are completely trumped by your dd's needs.

Have you told him before about your wishes on this matter? If he dismisses your line on this, that would be a big warning bell for me on the advisability of allowing direct contact.

All respect to WyrdMother, but I completely disagree with allowing some other title like Father. It is still very confusing to your dd and undermining to your dp. And I really wouldn't recommend saying he is a very brave and wise man who gave his baby to you - unless, of course, that is true. Don't demonise him, don't romanticise him, don't conceal the fact that he is her birth father but don't confuse that with a social fathering role - and just support her in working through her own feelings about him. He is trying to lead her feelings, you can't go along with that.

I'm probably speaking a bit strongly because my dd's BF is also very distressed about the adoption, very in love with his daughter (or his idea of his daughter) and very romantic about the possibilities of their reunion. I understand his feelings, I feel sorry for him, but I have to stay cool and dispassionate in order to protect my dd. Which raises another point: you need to be careful about raising his expectations, giving him false hope that he can have a father-daughter relationship with your dd.

One of the things that we were very clear about with SS and letterbox contact with our DD's birth parents was that anything they sent that said "mummy" or "daddy" on it would not be given to her, but would go in her memory box until she was older. If they want her to see their letters and cards, they have to play by the rules that we have set.

Alarm bells are ringing a bit for me as it basically sounds as if the birth father has not yet fully come to terms with the adoption. In which case, I suggest it would be a bad idea for him to meet your daughter, until he really properly accepts the situation.

I would take out the pages with the inscriptions and save them until she is much older.Always tell her that the books are from xxxx and I agree with FSG that a meeting may not be appropriate for now.

I too would be concerned with a face to face meeting at such a young age. Our youngest adopted dd is just 5. She talks about her birth family often but I would not be happy for her to meet them.
It does sound like the birth father has not totally accepted the adoption and could say something to your dd that could really rock the boat.
Post adoption support is a joke so I'm not surprised they said what they did to you.

I'm amazed at your social worker's response and think you should check that out further up the hierarchy there. They are not supposed to pass on anything signed "Daddy" etc. That will have been explained to the BF at the time.

Thanks everyone, lots for me to think about here.
Up until now our letters have not been monitored by post adoption. BF sends his to a local contact centre and a SW drops the parcel round to us unopened. I then send a reply directly to BFs address. I did ask that we communicate through the post adoption team but so far that hasn't happened. I have also asked that a SW talks to him before any meet up but again it's not happened.

DD is still under the care of the LA adoption team. Her case can't be signed off until they have done her life story book and that is taking forever. When that work is completed her case will be transferred to post adoption. I will hold off on a decisions about direct contact until I hear from the post adoption team.

Ah. I had a similar problem. My dd's SW brought round a bundle of letters from BF that were heartfelt but scary, threatening, and completely inappropriate to show a child. I couldn't keep them (and risk her finding them), but couldn't destroy them either; in the end I asked the SW to take them back and put them on file. They should NEVER have been given to me.

I also had to wait a long time for the life story book (actually, in the end our sw lost her job and somebody who had never met my dd ended up writing the book ). It was as if once our dd was living with us the energy went out of the adoption process, but of course there is a lot still to do, not least sorting out contact and ensuring the right post-adoption support is in place [suppresses cynical cackle].

dd has been with us for nearly 2 years, and I am still trying to sort out the letterbox contact. Turns out all the documents got archived, so we had to start from scratch with me having to insist what the arrangement was and wasn't, and having to resign all the forms I signed two years ago. This means we have already missed one year's contact, and I now know that BF has been asking why (why this didn't trigger them to find out what had gone wrong I'll never know, but I feel sorry for him and cross because I was certainly trying to get it sorted my end). It strikes me that all through prep and home study we are told how important continuing contact is, but we need proper understanding and efficient administration to make it work well.

OP, the more I think about your situation the more little alarm bells ring about allowing direct contact at this time. You need to get to a place of stability and mutual respect first.

they havent done the life story book yet??? my mums been fostering for over 40 yrs and she hands them over the day the new mums n dads come to take them home.

This will be a life story book from the social workers, not from the Foster carer.

Could he be Daddy Bob, or whatever his name is?

Absolutely disgusted with SW remarks. Our youngest DD has open adoption x3
a year and her birth parents refer to themselves as A and B. This may be easier for us as she has learning disabilities She is your daughter now and it is your call, you will know what is best for your DD not a bloody SW, from a mum of 8 adopted DC's
Good luck x

Sw is an idiot. He is not her dadddy, young chuldren take this to mean social parenting role, not biological. My 6yo ( bio) is still asks who his big sisters dad is - they have the same father but because shes in her 20s ( and has her own flat), he doesnt understand. To him a daddy is the man who ,ives with you and loooks aftre you, so by definiation his sister has no daddy!!!

Your DDsbio father needs to be told that if he wanst further letterbox contact he needs to show that he supports the adoption. This includes accepting that he is not daddy and he will never have that relationship with her. He shoudl use his first name in cards/letters

I would be very wary abut arranging a face to face meeting if he has not addressed these issues. You will end up with a sobbimg starnger crying all over your DD , telimg her how much he loves her and cant wait for her to be 16 and coem backto him. Or rantimg about why his relationship with her birth mother broke down. Then taking photos fo her and posting them to his facebook page!!

Im not sayijg such emotions arent genuine. But your DD is not his therapist. SS have a duty of care to brith parenst, not you.

Can I just say that I think some posters on this thread are suggesting you act from a spirit of generosity to the birth father. I suspect they are not birth parents. And I think I may have said the same thing before I adopted.

This is NOT a time to be generous to the birth parents. That sounds awful, and I wonder if non-adopters might assume the adopters on this thread are trying to freeze out the birth parents. But it's not about that. It's that, at this time, your absolute overriding priority has to be the welfare of your child, and that demands that she does not get mixed and confusing messages about her family relationships.

I agree with Kristina: you cannot help this guy heal what I'm sure is a huge wound in his life. I feel desperately sorry for him, as I'm sure you do. But allowing him to raise his hopes that he may be able to have a quasi-daddy role with your daughter would just be cruel to everybody involved.