Handover from foster carer.

[budhasbelly]

Hi, I've been lurking for a good while now but have dome out of the wood work for some advice.
We've been tentatively linked with a baby boy, 6mths old, and although it's very early in the process my mind is running ahead.
He's been in care since he was a few days old with, I'm sure, lovely foster carers. We haven't got his full details yet but our s/w indicated he's been with one fc family throughout.

What I'm just appreciating properly is just how much of a wrench it must be for both a baby and the carers to just lose each other no matter how ideal the exchange is.We've had all the training and I know our home will be his life time family but I'm still anxious about how this is actually done without heartache. Or is it not? Is it inevitable that there will be?

Please excuse me for rambling just getting my thoughts out there. Amy experiences or advice would be welcome.

Foster carers know they are just that, foster carers. And if they are doing their job properly will help prepare the children for the transition. A child moving on to an adoptive family is a happy ending for a foster child, it's when they are going back to dysfunctional birth families when the foster carer doesn't believe enough has improved that it can be really heartbreaking. Having said that, both child and adult will have made attachments but a good foster carer will know how to deal with this. Our Dds foster carer unfortunately did not cope well, mainly because we discovered later she had wanted to adopt her herself. We tried to keep in contact but FC made it very difficult. Once came to our house with latest foster child and make comments to DD that she could do a swap and take DD home with her and leave new baby with us!

I am a friend of a foster carer and have been watching a similar situation play out over the last few weeks. Foster family are very aware that this is their role in the child's life, and are preparing the child for the move. Their own children are also very aware, and their whole support unit of family and friend's is behind them.

I do wonder what the child will feel, but I am sure the foster carers will be fine. They have been hoping and praying for the right family to come along. X

Was that upsetting for your dd MedDented? Surely she must of found it confusing? Or did it go over her head?
How often did you keep in touch before you felt it was't helping?

Sorry to bombard but it's good to talk her peoples experiences.

Oh Sitting that is sooo lovely to hear. Is their fc a baby also?

Yes, but older than yours. We are going to miss fc to bits, but she has been so loved by so many people, I think it must be a good start.

I'm sure the carer will be fine but tbh its impossible to prepare a baby that young to have new primary carers, it's always going to be a wrench.

This is why I don't do babies for adoption, I'd want the prospective adopters to be looking after them and not hanging about waiting for paperwork/courts.

IMO they have it all wrong. Approve prospective adopters as foster carers first, that way they can bond with the baby as early as possible.

DD just seemed to ignore her at the time, she was only 2 but over the years has become increasingly upset by the gushing cards and presents that appear for birthdays, Christmas, Easter etc. in fact you have just reminded me I had decided to write and ask her to stop sending them. It's going to be a difficult one to write so have been putting it off. DD has lived with us for nearly 10 years now, I can't believe FC does this for every child she has ever fostered! She writes in them 'to my darling little girl' and last time DD got quite upset and told me she doesn't like it, she's not FC's little girl, she's our little girl.

Its the least child centred policy they have.

One of my friends has had a baby since birth for 2 years waiting for adoption approval - completely ridiculous and dreadful for the baby. Much less chance of the adoption succeeding unfortunately.

It will be a wrench for all concerned, but if the foster carers have done their job properly the baby will have a good attachment to a care giver that can be transferred to you.
The FC will be upset but they know the baby is not theirs and will find a forever family.
We adopted our girls, the first two when they were 2 and a half, and 6 months. The FC were not good and it was a hard transition.
We then adopted the girls baby sister years later, when she was 6 months old. Her FC were fantastic and really helped us with the transition.
On the day she came home forever, we were all in tears, I felt I was taking their baby away. But they got over their" loss " and soon had another little one to foster.
We still have a good relationship with them now, but we do not see the first FC at all.
Good luck.

I'm interested to hear you also had a bad experience with foster carer moomoomie, I worry because in my mind I had always imagined DD having a link with FC as FC actually met birth mum which I never did. That's why I've tried to keep some kind of contact going although we had to stop the visits. U nfortunately DD got so bothered by the last card I think I really need to write that letter, I don't want by more birthdays, Christmas ruined by it.

Laurie, I do agree with you to a certain extent and when we first started looking at adoption we discussed applying for concurrent planning.
We decided to was too much of a risk for us emotionally due to the chances of a child being returned to their birth family.
I'm a wishy washy lentil weaver and would be hoping despite myself that the birth mother could turn it around and get her child back but at the same time writhing in guilt hoping she wouldn't.

I suppose not being a foster carer myself I don't have the mind set that Sittiing spoke of where the aim is to hope for a forward move.

I guess I just got to hope for a professional experienced foster carer if we do get that far.

Thank you every one for replying keep it coming if there's more!

And I think that is very common budha, you are right, it takes a completely different mindset to be a foster carer than an adoptive parent. I don't think many would-be adopters would be able to cope with a child being returned to a birth parent. I can understand it would be an ideal solution if child definitely going to end up being adopted but that is rarely known at the outset.

Absolutely. The child I am talking about had the best start she could have had in the circumstances.

It is hard to get your head around, but my friend honestly sees this as her career - using her skills and qualifications. She doesn't want another child, she has always worked with children in a professional capacity and sees this as a continuation of this.

And thank god for people like your friend! X

One of the hardest things we had to deal with was the handover day ( placement day)for our DS and DD.

Both were in foster care from a few days old and were placed with us at 10 months.
We had built up a good relationship with the foster carers during the introduction stage and both are still part of our children's lives even though the children are now 6 and nearly 4.

Placement day can be very emotional for all involved and can be very bitter sweet.

We asked both of our foster carers to tell us how they wanted the handover to happen. We wanted them to be in control and be allowed to day their goodbyes to the babies in their own way.

Both opted for a quiet moment in their own home with baby while we waited by the car. They then put baby in the car seat rather than just hand over to us. I think that made it easier for them.There were tears all around.

Our DCs foster carers are now like special Aunties and we see them regularly.DD's one has become a good friend to me and has even babysat for me a couple of times. They send birthday cards and gifts and we always send a copy of school photos etc.

We have so much respect for Foster Carers - they do an amazing job.

budhasbelly, you have to accept that it WILL be painful for the baby. Actually, you have to hope it is: what would it mean for a baby to leave the only carers s/he has ever known and not be distressed? A very disturbed child, that's what. And there is no way you can 'prepare' a pre-verbal child for this, though undoubtedly a good introductions week will help ease the transition a little.

I adopted a little girl at ten months old. She was and continues to be an 'easy' child - I had a far less difficult time than many adopters. But there is no question she was traumatised; she clung to me like a little monkey for months. Obviously we would prefer they weren't traumatised, but - at the risk of sounding brutal - because they are hurt and lost they will turn to you for comfort, and that is where you start your bonding and attachment.

Our foster care was a nightmare when it came to introductions, and she made a difficult week much, much worse. I'm still angry about that. But I have to still honour her for being so completely devoted to my daughter, for lavishing her with love during her very difficult first few months, for walking her up and down through long sleepless nights and sitting holding her hand in hospital. I'll never forget that she did that, and BECAUSE she was so loving and committed my dd missed her terribly when she went. But she had learned to love one carer and she was able to transfer that to another - to me.

One last warning: when you have children, you open yourself up to whole new vistas of vulnerability and pain. That is multiplied by the power of ten when you adopt, I think. Right from the start, you have to cope with the knowledge of what has happened to this child that you love. And then you have to start helping them understand it and live with it. All the time with fear in your heart that they won't be able to cope with that pain; that they will be angry with you, reject you, or in later life be reunited with their birth family and possibly get hurt all over again.

It is absolutely worth it, of course. But accepting that your child WILL be traumatised when they come into your care (even if they don't show it) is just the start of a long journey.

Best of luck with the adoption.

Devorah I promise you I have accepted the pain that will come and that even in a "perfect" placement there is trauma. I suppose I'm just looking to learn from those of you that have been there, done that.

We have a birth dc already and I think in a way it's making it worse because I'm projecting what I'd feel if I was in a position of handing her to someone.
Again I know that it's an entirely different scenario so I'm trying to rationalise my concerns to a degree.

Angels, your story is lovely, and (again if) we get there I'll try to let the fc lead the transfer as much as possible.

I have a foster carer friend, she fosters up to 11 ish year olds, but more often she takes young ones

Moving them on can be really hard for her. Of course she is happy for them, and she never wanted to be a long term or permanent mother, which is why she chose to be a foster mum, but she has been these babies mum for up to 2 years.

I mean, she percieves herself as a carer, but her role in the babies and toddlers eyes is best described as 'my mummy' because lets face it, she does a mums job. All the caring and nurture she gives them, the little ones see her as mummy. That's something i was conscious of when bringing home my DS, who was 23 months when he came home

All babies are different, so she attaches differently to them all. Sometimes she is sad but still in a good place when they leave. But I remember about 6-ish years ago, she moved on a LO who was just over a year old, been with her since a couple of days old This LO was just a 'perect fit' for her. She really attached to LO (and baby to her as well). When LO left, she was professional around the new parents and very happy for them (as she always is), but when LO had gone for the last time, i came over to check on her and found her in a foetal position on the floor, where she had been lying for hours, just sobbing. She spent an entire weekend in bed, and took a break before fostering again. I know she still cries for this LO, 6 years later. She still has low days thinking about her. The pain is still there, and perhaps it never will. She will never forget LO, she hopes that she can come to a place in healing where she can think happily about all the good times she had with LO, rather than only the sad part of her leaving. I think she still has a little contact with the parents now. I don't believe those parents have any idea how much their DC means to the FFC. She's too professional to burden them with that - which is the way it should be, though it sounds harsh. She's never felt that way about any other LO, by the way. All LO's are different, which is why matching is so important, and an FC might feel very very differently about two different LO's

I know it was hard for my DS foster parents. They were lovely people, who acted very professionally. They were happy for DS, but I knew they would be very upset at him leaving. Luckily, intros went very well for us. Hopefully they will for you too OP

I know a lady who is a foster carer for newborns sometimes they stay with her for weeks and months some just days - I asked her about her feelings and she said shes a stepping stone to a new family,she loves the babies until their mummies are ready,she doesnt get upset cos she is always awaiting the next stork delivery.

I second what others have said, including the fact that - almost counterintuitively - if the child isn't upset to be leaving their FC there is something wrong and it's better in the long run if they have developed an attachment (so are upset) which is then transferred to you.

Our DD's FC said that they cry every single time a child leaves them (they have fostered over 60 children) and the day they stop getting upset is the day they stop fostering.

In terms of the day itself, it was the most tense of the week of introductions. The thing that brought a tear to all our eyes was that when we were getting ready to leave, DD put her arms up to me to be held for the first time and said "bye bye". She was only 15 months, but she knew something was happening and was ready to go. I know that sounds bonkers.

Incidentally, interesting to come across another adopter with a birth child - there seem to be quite a few of us on here, though we were led to believe by SS that it was relatively rare.

I hate to say this as adoptive parents of 8 children (all with special needs) I only found only one foster mum who really suppored us and we remain in touch. 1 FC nearly ruined the placement as she deemed us unsuitable as we were not christians and insisted he was christened before being placed with us. IMO (which is probably not your case) FCs who have SN think no one will want too adopt them so become quite possessive. DS5 came from residential care and all staff were overjoyed, I am you will sureyou will be fine as things change and my 1st was many years ago and sw are now firm but sensitive.
Very good luck.

Families yes it's nice to see there's a few of us. On our prep course one of the other couples also had a birth child so maybe it's becoming more common.

Anyway thank you everyone for replying. Hopefully I'll be back to tell you about how our new addition.

I agree with much of what's already been said. One observation from our own experience that I thought may be worth sharing: We have adopted twice and the experience for our DCs of moving in with us was quite different.

DD was 10 months and moving to us from her FCs was v traumatic for her. The FCs were amazing and could not have been better about it all, but she was too little to understand what was going on but old enough to know that everyone she loved (and who loved her) was suddenly gone. So the first 4-6 weeks was really tough for her and us, mainly down to her being very anxious and because of that she found it very hard to fall into a deep sleep so nightimes were hard work. We were up till the small hours every night just trying to get her off to sleep.

DS was 4 months and honestly didn't bat an eyelid over the move.

They are of course different individuals but I think the difference in their age was a key factor in how they reacted. So fingers crossed for you that it all happens sooner rather than later x

2old. Just read your post. 8 children with special needs? Wow. Just wow. Am in awe of you.

Just wanted to come and add my support and best wishes for the OP.
We are foster carers, and in our mind the children who come to us get the best possible care and love while they are with us, but they are not our children.
We are simply looking after them until their forever parents come along, and we owe it to these parents to do our utmost to make it a positive experience all round!
I would add,though, that if one of our foster children ever went back to a home that we thought was damaging, it would break my heart.
hope everything goes well for you
x