What do you do when your family aren't supportive?

[Spero]

I emailed my mum and dad a few weeks ago to say I was going to an adoption information meeting at the end of the month. I didn't think this was a big deal as they know it is something I have been thinking about for a few years now.

However I didn't hear anything back and I got a bit worried that something had happened to them as we usually email or talk on the phone about once a week (they are a two hour drive away),

My mum answered, I said was just calling to say hello as I hadn't heard from them in a while. She replied 'we were gobsmacked about the adoption email. I think it is completely ridiculous. We couldn't say anything nice so we didn't say anything at all. If you have another child we will not be able to see you again so we were practising what it felt like' !!

I was quite shocked as my parents are usually very sensible and level headed but this has obviously touched a very raw nerve. My mum used to work at a school with children who had serious needs and came from very deprived backgrounds and I think she believes that nature is everything, children from difficult backgrounds will simply cause chaos and it will be very damaging for my daughter.

I don't think I am naive about this, I work in child protection, I understand the issues and that I would be subject to a very careful assessment. if I had any doubts about my ability to cope or the impact on my daughter I would not go ahead. But I didn't expect my parents to react so negatively.

I don't want to upset them but nor do I not want to go ahead with something I have been seriously thinking about for years. My daughter is on board and seems interested and excited by the possibility of being a big sister.

Has anyone else had this kind of reaction from close family? How did you handle it?

I can't answer from the POV of an adoptive parent, but spotted your post was unanswered & felt as I had equally unsupportive parents when I fell pregnant with DD, that you need to just do whats best for your own family & they'll either come around, or not - thats their choice, but its not up to them to try & tell you how to live YOUR life & this sort of emotional blackmail stinks

FWIW - My own Mum threw her toys out of the pram when I told her I was having DD - her first & only grandchild & I was 42 - he reason was that I wasn't married - forget the fact I had a fantastic partner & we were already planning on getting married, she didn't approve & didn't speak, not let my Dad speak to me for a couple of years.

I just got on with it, sad as I was, its my life, not theirs & her reasoning was ridiculous, as is your DPs - my Mum is as stubborn as they come & a controlling Narcissist to boot - she eventually came round & now dotes on DD, as I'm sure your Mum & Dad will too

Thanks for that.

I am just now not at all sure what to say to the SW if I go ahead with making a formal application! I am a single parent so I know they will be keen to suss out my family support. I will just have to be honest, but it is a big shock, I never saw it coming, they have been very supportive about everything else.

Hi and welcome,

I didn't have this reaction, but it's not an uncommon one. I am sorry they reacted this way, it doesn't make it easy. However, in the end you have to do what you want to do, and it is up to them whether they will support you or not

I have known other adopters who got such a reaction from parents (or in one case such a negative reaction that they (and their now adopted child) don't have any contact with the parents). Your parents may well come around more to the idea as time goes on, if it gets to a point where they realise that it will happen whatever they think. Or sometimes grandparents meet their new grandchild and fall instantly in love!!

I am also a single adopter. My mum is not a central part of my 'support network' as its called, and it isn't expected that parents be central. As long as you have good support from people you trust, it doesn't matter a great deal who they are. Best friends, siblings, cousins, neighbours and so on. Some people just don't get on with their parents, others have had major fall outs, others have already lost their parents and so on. My mum (lost my dad years ago) just lives too far away from me to be any day to day help, we see her every few months but no more. I am helped far more by my siblings and especially my best friend. SS have definitely understood that

You relationships with your parents are explored within homestudy, and so you will have to explain if your parents still do not support you by that time. However, I think (as it's to do with their attitude to adoption, rather than any concern over your parenting) it will be okay

Good luck, and keep posting over here if you go through with the process :)

Ouch, I'm so sorry about that Spero - that must have hurt a lot.

I got a negative reaction from my mum when I was trying to get pregnant with dd1. She said she thought I was too ditzy and disorganisedl to raise a child - that I would probably lose the baby in a pile of papers. My family role is definitely as the brainbox who is completely impractical - ridiculous as I'm (a) not that brainy, and (2) have actually managed to get into middle age, running a household, holding down a job, and raising two children without any major mishap.

It wasn't just my mum: my brother told me, when dd1 was about a year old, how relieved he was to see how well I was doing, as, "we thought you were going to be the worst mother in the world. We were so worried. We kept discussing whether we should do some kind of intervention."

!!!!! This is from a man who has happy for me to babysit his kids every week.

When I adopted dd2, my mum was consumed with anxiety that dd1 would be adversely affected. And my grandad was dead against it; kept warning me that blood was thicker than water, that these days we don't take eugenics nearly seriously enough, that I didn't know what I was taking on...

For a very long time, I have metaphorically stuck my fingers in my ears and sung la la la every time my family are telling me what they think of me and my life choices. I guess there are more constructive approaches: BAAF I think produce a slim book for grandparents about adoption - do you think they might read it?

A word of warning: your social worker will want to know that you have good family support, and may be concerned about your mother not being supportive. If your mum is still being an arse by the time you're doing home study, you'll need to think about how to manage this.

Best of luck, and sorry again that you had to hear this from your mum.

Thanks for sharing. I am sad to hear what you have had to put up with, but also comforted as at least my parents aren't uniquely weird! It was a shock but hopefully they will calm down over time.

They nearly always do, Spero

We had total support as we had been thru so many ivfs. I think my family were relieved. I had some negativity from people at work.
As you have a birth child their thinking may be different,but still not very supportive.

Do you think it's mainly because you are a single parent that they think you are putting a lot of extra stress on yourself? I suspect if I were on my own and decided to adopt or get pregnant-my parents wouldn't think it was the best of plans.

grandma - not necessarily the case I chose to adopt as a single adopter and my mum couldn't have been more supportive - her comment to me at one point when I was stressing about it was "you have planned this far more carefully than I ever planned mine!"

She has been massively supportive but I would have managed without her if she hadn't been.

The only thing you can do if you are sure about wanting to adopt is to say to her - "I'm sorry you feel that way" and get on with your life.

Your mother has led her life the way she wanted to and you are now entitled to do the same. I'm sure that her concerns are for you and your existing child however as you haven't fallen in with her plans she is being very controlling and I'm sure the idea that she is trying to make you do what she wants by with-holding affection/contact is massively hurtful.

I'm not sure I have any very helpful advice - I certainly had friends who were not supportive whom I have now dropped and family members who did not turn out to be the beacon of support that they were promising (though not actively so - just not very present IYSWIM).

I would be hurt and furious if my mother had chosen such a hurtful way to make her point. I assume she doesn't think you'll call her bluff and say "see you around" then?

On reflection I still think I would say "I'm sorry you have chosen to do this, we will miss you" and make sure you keep it about her decision.

Wow OP, I think your Mum has been pretty blunt about all this. Is she normally a 'say it as it is' kind of person?

My parents have always been supportive(ish) BUT I know that for a long time they were very worried and apprehensive (for us) that the child we would be placed with would be very difficult to parent. As it has turned out that is not the case at all but those feelings definitely meant that they were not in the enthusiastic camp, more the 'quietly supportive' one.

Do you know what is behind their reaction? Is this about adoption, or about you having another child? Or something else??

I don't think I have ever done anything before that she disapproves of - this is certainly the first time she has been so blunt and unpleasant.

I am afraid I think it is probably most likely due to the fact that she believes that children from 'bad' families are just bad seeds. She said she was afraid I would have a child who smeared poo around and constantly wet the bed. She also said she and my dad were thinking of paying private school fees for my daughter when she's at secondary school but she wouldn't pay for two children - that 'not a proper Grandchild' thing I fear.

It's made me lose a lot of respect for them both. I am not saying they have to be cheerleaders for every bonkers life choice I make, but I hoped they could disagree politely and respectfully.

I have heard nothing further from them since that call and adoption info meeting is tomorrow. I am going to to go and ask for my application to be considered. If they will really cut me and my daughter off over this (she is their only grandchild!!) then that is their loss.

Hi Spero I'm not an adopter, yet, but we are at the stage of enquiry and open evening. I am really sorry you mum is not being more supportive. I totally agree with others who have said it is your life and you need to live it your way. I am sorry that your mum is being so negative and unhelpful. I wonder if your dad feels the same of is 'being swept along by your mum's disapproval, or fear?

My own mum is now 80 and is not able to help with my daughter (aged 7) at all. She sometimes buys her sweets and watches her do her kung fu style dancing or listens to her sing a song, and that is all she can manage and it is fine. So in terms of support I have always had to rely on friends (whose kids are the same age as my daughter) who I mostly met through toddler groups etc. I am sure you also have a support network, especially if you are a single parent, I mean people who can babysit etc if you need a night out. I hope you will be able to build up your supporters and friends who you can turn to for help and just a listening ear etc. I have certainly found people on mumsnet supportive too.

In terms of your relationship with your mum I would (personally, in my humble opinion) just leave the door open as much as possible for your parents to come round to the idea. I would not want to lie about things but I would just down play the whole adoption process in terms of them. They are obviously not interested at this stage but as time goes on they may come round. They would have to be crazy to jeposize (sorry spelling!) their relationship with their daughter and only grand daughter and I agree that this type of emotional blackmail is unacceptable. Having said this I wonder if they are dissapointed at the idea their grand daughter will not get all your attention, and perhaps sad they won't be able to pay for her to go to private school etc. Of course what you really want is for them to be happy for you at this stage of your life but at the moment they can't and they wrongly feel they can influence you with this unpleasant action. Hopefully once they realise that they will not deter you from exploring this they will come round, much as you may feel upset them (understandably so) I would prepare for both them coming round (and a gentle acceptance of things) and them not coming round and cutting off their nose to spite their face! All very best wishes with the adoption process and I really hope you will get some very supportive and intereested people around you.

I told a person I met through a church friend the other day that we were thinking of adoption, I had not spoken about it much before except on mumsnet and to very close friends. It turns out she was adopted as a young child by a couple who had a birth child already (like us) and had a really positive upbringing, which was a lovely encouragement.

Thank you for all your lovely and supportive replies.

I am sad to say I have had only negative reactions in real life - well, so far I have only told my parents and my oldest friend. Parents, as you have seen were very negative and my oldest friend looked very dubious and told me that I shouldn't adopt and that having an only child was fantastic and the best way. I asked her why she chose to have more than one child then and she didn't really have an answer.

So either there is something about me that makes me wholly unsuitable to have another child and my family and friend are just trying to save me from myself.... or I am unlucky enough to have familiy and friends who are too blinkered and prejudiced to consider this with open eyes or at the very least be able to disagree politely.

But, like you all say, I have to make the decisions that I feel are right for me and my daughter. I am off to the information meeting tonight! And then it is in their hands. If I am positively assessed then I will go for it and my parents can come round to the idea, or they can not. I will be sad for them if they don't but I cannot force them to support me, just as they cannot force me to stop making my own decisions.

I'm sorry Spero. You are right, you have to do what you want to do. Hopefully the meeting tonight will go well - report back to us tomorrow (order)

My mum and siblings are very like Maryz parents. Mum and one sister were apprehensive because they thought an older child would have big issues. They were quiet supporters the way through though. Mum just said I had to live my life how I wanted, and it would be nice to have another grandchild. And when DD1 moved in, and did have big issues, they never once said "I told you so", I don't think it even have entered their heads, they just became an amazing grandmother and auntie to her, and accepted her as their new family member. I couldn't have asked more of them.

However, there were a few 'friends' I had to let go. I think many many adopters will lose one or more people on their journey sadly. Spero, this is not uncommon at all, I suspect if you talk to other prospective adopters this evening you may well hear similar stories from them. One 'friend' told me I was crazy. Another told me she didn't think single gay women should have children at all, and advised me to 'think again'. That was really hurtful because I thought I knew her, turned out I didn't really. I dropped contact with both of them

Strangers/acquaintances were the worst, but they can just be ignored, no matter how bad they are. Nothing like a vote of no confidence from friends or family

I really like that idea that I am on a journey, it sounds much more noble and interesting than me just having a crazy idea. And yes, the whole point of being on a journey is I will keep moving and maybe some people in my life will not come with me, but that is ok, they will have their own journey.

But it is horrible to think you know people and to find out you don't. I suspect many of my friendships have just glided along because we don't challenge or threaten each other but this will mean that some things have to come out in the open. But I will chose to see that as a good thing - I would rather have fewer people in my life that I know I can trust and rely upon wholeheartedly.

I am not sure my parents will come round. I have never heard such rage from my mother, who is usually quite passive and weepy about problems.

Maryz how old was your son when you adopted him? Do you think it helps if the child is young? I would have to be looking at a child of primary school age. But I think my mum would be the same about a baby, as it appears to be all about the bad genes to her.

Spero - what did your mother blame when you or your sibling wet the bed or had any other issues? I know adoptive children have more than the average share of problems but they aren't problems that by any stretch of the imagination are limited to adoptions or people who have "bad genes"!

I know you probably can't ask your mother these questions, but they are valid if you ever get the chance.

Interestingly, I can't remember my mum being very loving when I was small. She had me and two brothers in fairly quick succession and looking back on it she must have been depressed. It was my dad who cuddled us. She has also always been very rigid about cleaning and wouldn't let us help in the kitchen in case we made a mess. So maybe it is about control. She feels she couldn't 'trust' what an adoptive child would get up to as she doesn't know their background?

She and dad both came from quite poor upbringings - both the first children in the family to go onto university or higher education and they both have a very harsh and punitive view of the poor. Maybe they feel that everyone can improve themselves and those who don't are just lazy and feckless, and they don't want me bringing anyone like 'that' into the family.

I exchanged quite cross words with dad about the boys who shot the little girl Thusha in Stockwell. I said that you had to look at their child hoods to understand how they could act like that, they very probably had little affection, stability or boundaries. Dad was very contemptuous of that and said they should just be shot.

But children with loving backgrounds can still grow up with problems, I agree with Maryz there must be some element of inherent personality and there is no guarrantees a birth child will be lovely and stable. My parents should know this as my middle brother is not happy or stable, he has same genes and same upbringing as me!

It is sad. It is uncovering a lot of stuff about my parents that I didn't know, or didn't want to know.

preparing for adoption (and living through it) is quite good at making you reassess your attitudes to parenting!

O dear. Just got back from the information evening. It did not go well.

At the end of the two hours the SWs asked if we wanted to speak to them, I said I would like to have a chat about taking it foward as they do Adoption Training in July. the SW told me that because I work I was ruled out as the child would have to attach to lots of different people (??), including going to school.

I am slightly confused as to why they suggested I come to this information evening at all given that I had already given my background to a SW over the phone and she didn't say I was automatically ruled out.

I said that my au pair has been with me for two years now and has no plans to go anywhere and that my job allows me plenty of time at home. I usually get to drop my daughter off at school and pick her up twice a week. The weekends I am always there. I have coped with my daughter's emotional distress about her dad not living in the UK and taken her to counselling etc. I said I was sad that I was being ruled out straight away without any further consideration. But that was that.

I appreciate my situation is not ideal but life is not ideal. I think I have a lot to offer even if I am not at home 24/7. I thought there were not a huge amount of people willing to adopt children over 4.

This was Action for Children. Does anyone know of any other agency that might be prepared to assess me or at least visit my home and talk to me a bit more about what I could offer? But I guess now my parents have shown their true colours and will not support me I am probably out of contention.

I am sad.

Try other agencies - different local authorities in your area. Some places have odd criteria but not all.

Sorry it didn't go well but I know other adopters have started from a similar place.

Bristol City Council never replied to my email and Action for Children said South Glos wouldn't look at me either.

I am very confused. I was prepared to take four months off work to get everyone settled in and then go back to my job which is only three-four days a week in court. But they didn't even want to ask me about how I would manage. It seemed to be that because I had an au pair I would not be considered. But how do other single adoptive parents manage?