Your Adoption Stories...

[KickingUpQuestions]

Hey all,

My DH and I are considering adoption. We are 30 and 31 and are still trying to conceive our own baby. But we looked at an adoption website and we both just want to give a young child a home - regardless on whether or not we have our own baby.

We have friends who are survivors of childhood abuse and after chatting to them, we are both very wary of adopting children 5 years and up. An abused child either grows up being fairly difficult, but comes through the other side without becoming an abuser themselves and is well rounded. Or the opposite. I am a survivor of childhood abuse and rather than think this would help our case, I would be reluctant to mention this as it would count against me no doubt.

I would be grateful for your stories. Without telling me I am ignorant or yelling at me. I know I am ignorant in the ways of adoption. But I survived a lot of rubbish and I know how difficult I was. I ran away from home a lot, I punched things - I was a walking time bomb. I realise that means that I have the potential to understand an abused child, but it's not something that I would walk into willingly. And I wasn't adopted.

What are your stories? What was the panel like? How long did it take? What were the SW like? Is it all as bad as some threads in the forum makes it sound? :)

It's certainly not an easy route, all adopted children are going to have some difficulties - my daughter was placed in foster care from birth but she still has issues, removing her from what she considered her home for two years had a major impact, you can take a look at our story here.

www.adoptivemummy.co.uk

and this is a post for anybody put off by all the negativity:

www.adoptivemummy.co.uk/2012/04/30/for-potential-adopters-its-positive/

It's worth reading a few books, The Primal Wound is a good one and there are a few others I have reccommended on my blog.

First off, no agency will accept you to assess for adoption while you are still trying to conceive.
Also, if you do have your own birth child, they like a good few years age difference.
So, you have plenty of time to think about you options.
Adopting a child is not as easy as just taking a child into your home and loving it.
I suggest you read some books, maybe talk to one or two adoption agencies.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Yep we intend on chatting to agencies and getting more information out of it, thanks for that.

I wasn't really asking for a run down of why I am not capable of being an adoptive parent but I suppose it's a small group of people who closely own their right to the title.

And just for that, at least you've pegged down my aspiration and hopefully the two kids we would have made space in our lives for find another home based on your fabulous positive response.

I am slightly confused by your response OP, I don't think that moomoomie or skylarkuk were being at all negative, in fact I thought they were really sensible posts.

I agree with moomoomie that an agency won't consider you if you are still TTC, also if you do go down the adoption route, the SW's will explore your feelings carefully surrounding not having BC.

Perhaps a less negative attitude towards people who are really trying to help you would be a start? I have always found the adoption forums very friendly to people who need/want help, as most people on it have had a tough road getting there.

What is defined as TTC? Having sex? Holding out hope for a BC? If I would be turned down because we have a hope for a BC, then I don't see the point in bothering.

I wasn't asking for reasons why I shouldn't bother thinking about adopting. And if us getting on the list is limited to whether or not we hope to one day have our own child (whether feasible or not), then I thank you for at least putting me straight and getting our names off the list.

Since we won't be considered, no point in upsetting ourselves there either.

Fortunately, I've only just considered adopting so at least you've saved me the bother. As long as I hope to have my own child, I will never be allowed to adopt.

Fair enough.

Consider it closed

Please Op. tell me where I have dismissed you or been negative. I am totally confused by your response.

It's not an issue at all. I apologise.

I will see what my DH says but there is no point in us bothering if we're just going to go through more upset and more stress.

Maybe in 10 years time we may tick the boxes. But maybe not. But there is no point in me spending any more time trying to have a family if we'll be excluded anyway. You said nothing wrong but the truth. No harm in that.

KickingupQuestions - are you genuinely saying that because someone who you do not know and does not know you has not been evenagelical about the possibility of you adopting you are not going to give it any further consideration?

I have a birth chld who is the result of IVF and we were not considered for adoption 3 years after her birth as we would not catergorically state that we would never have IVF again in the future.

We started fostering when my birth daughter was four. Because my husband is in the Army we could not even get a local authority to consider us as foster carers. But I knew it was something I wanted to do, knew I would be good at it and knew that depsite some of our lifestyle not being ideal (my husband is away a lot) we also offered a really loving, safe and secure enviroment.

So we found an independent agency and have never looked back. If I had taken your attitude I would never have had the chance to care for the children I have. You need to stop acting like a spoilt brat and consider what you really want - and then go for it.

Your message was more in line with what I wanted. I don't want to be shot down immediately. I was excited about the prospect of getting started on a long journey to adoption. I know it's difficult. I am not a complete idiot. But being told the reasons why I won't even be considered...well, it's a bit of an upset to be honest.

I will read books and I had hoped that by asking for stories rather than being condemned, I would get good advice or some good practical examples of what they are looking for and how we can match that. Seeing that we are only dropping our toes into the water, I didn't quite expect the rundown on why I don't qualify.

And yes, seeing as how this is my way to ease myself into accepting that I may not potentially be able to have a baby on my own, I'm sorry if my state of mind right now is craving some kind of positive reassurance.

It was potentially just a blind leap of faith to post in here and I probably shouldn't have. Sorry

And obviously struggling to come to grips with being unable to have my own child would of course categorise me as a "spoilt brat".

Again, I'm sorry for bothering you all.

KickingUp: obviously you are going through an upsetting time. Have you ever been offered therapy? You might find it helpful.

You didn't get a rundown on why you wouldn't qualifiy, you got some advice from an experienced adopter.

Struggling to come to terms doesn't make you a spoilt brat, but dismissing the first pieces of advice in the manner you did, does.

Most of the posters on adoption forums have probably been in your situation, and are willing to offer help and advice as much as they can, however, you won't be taken seriously if you dismiss the first thing you don't want to hear. If you do choose adoption, you are going to hear lots of very difficult things about yourself, your DH, and prospective children, it's worth remembering that.

If you want helpful stories, there are plently on past threads, maybe try there? Some are by the posters you are currently flaming for not understanding!

Op, are you saying tbat you could not consider adopting a child who might have been abused? If thats the case, then adoption in the uk is probably not for you. Unless a child has been removed at birth and placed with you ( normally under concurrent planning) , the is always a possibility that they have been abused.

I understand that you are also wary of having to deal with behavioural issues. Again, if you couod not consider these then adoption is unlikely to work for your family. These problems are not just caused by abuse, but by a range of factors that are often unavoidable eg pre natal exposure to drugs or alcohol, family history of mental health problems or learning difficulties , loss and trauma.

You will never get a full family history or background on any child you are adopting, unless its a famiy member and you know BOTH parenst and their families. So yu need to be able to accpet that any child MAY have been abused and are at risk of having dicciculties during their children and adolescence.

I understadn tbat you dont want to hear this. And yes, there are no guarentees with any bio child. But the risks are much much higher in adoption. And it sounds like you are saying you cannot consider these risks

I second the suggestion tnat you consider counsellijg or therapy. Becoming a parent ( however you do it) will bring up a lot of feelijgs and memories for yu and it will be easier to start to deal with them now.

Your OP wasn't in any way a bother But I'm confused with how angry and defensive you seem?

You can not be considered for adoption until you stopped actively trying to concieve a baby. You need to be about a year post IVF (or other treatment). If you are having sex, unless you definitely can't get pregnant that way, you have to be using contraception

Most people come to adoption following infertility, most people find it difficult to accept not having a birth child. I personally think counselling is a good idea, and SS tend to like past counselling. They do recognise that it can be really hard to move on. Other adopters as well - it's the minority who actively choose adoption, most people look at it only after a long route of trying for a birth child.

In answer to yuor questions, the process can be very stressful and will be emotional and long. I've seen great SW's, okay ones and awful ones! I suspect nearly everyone on this forum would be able to say the same. It took several years both the first times I adopted from first enquiry to bringing my child home. Panel was fine both times. Stressful, but they want you to succeed! You don't get taken to panel unless the SW is sure you'll pass it. It's really rare to fail at panel

I have adopted three children. Two older children (one ten year old girl, then one 8 year old girl) and finally my DS was 23 months. Most adoptive children will have issues of some description, and sometimes they will be severe. Age is not a huge factor in it - it's more about background. I have personally dealt with some very serious problems, but I don't regret it, and I count the adoptions all as very successful. I have known others who have had simply joy and nearly no issues, and others who have needed to disrupt it was so bad. And the children had been adopted as young as under 1 year in the latter case.

I would remember that the babies (6 months-2) needing adoption have often been abused, and very often you are talking about a history of domestic violence, drug abuse, baby exposed to high levels of drugs in utero, family history of serious mental health conditions and/or learning difficulties. So you need to be prepared to take on some level of issues, aand recognise that a child of any age may encounter problems. Of course, it could go swimmingly, but it's 100 times better to be prepared

I would second, third and fourth what others have said.

I hesitate to add my opinions as you seem to be quite fragile at the moment. But just to say that even children who aren't abused and are adopted quite young go on to have a variety of additional needs which are probably related to the early life. All my DS learnt until he was 1yr old was that everyone leaves. Everyone. And there have been times when his insecurity has caused him difficulties which I would love to be able to take away from him, but I can't.

Also the finish TTC'ing whilst adopting is required by every authority I know of for good reasons - apart from the drain on you, the adopter (an dman it is draining at times) the child you are adopting will need every bit as much attention as a new-born and it isn't fair on them to be expected to share that attention with a new-born.

I'm not totally clear reading your responses what you are expecting from us? We're none of us likely to say it was all doom and gloom and we regret our decision to adopt because I doubt any of us do - we all love our children. But we equally aren't going to pretend that it been plain sailing and all adopted children need is love and cuddles and a nice bedroom and a garden to play in and all will be fine, because obviously that's not true either.

Parenting any child is roller-coaster of highs and lows and insecurities, its just that adoptive parenting has a few extra highs and lows thrown in for good luck with the occasional social worker shining a light on your insecurities and asking you to explain them.

Everyone stories are different, our children are different, our social workers were different and we all got here in different ways. But we all got here. The same as you can if its what you decide you want. But I suspect you probably have some things to work through before you feel up to the kind of stress that a home study generally puts you under.

Have a look at the thread entitled Newbie (about half a page down in the Adoption section). Lots of good advice and info.

The reason you are being given advice on the do's and don'ts is because there are quite a few of them in adoption. I know that DH and I felt like we were seriously under the microscope during the homestudy and we couldn't help feel 'people having a biological child don't get this level of interrogation why should we' but the fact is that if you want to adopt that is what you have to put up with. I didn't like it either but you either accept it or you can't go ahead.

So, common 'rules' are:
1 yr post IVF and not TTC
Non smokers
Max 40 yrs age gap between one of you and the child (not an issue for you guys but a major one for lots of adopters who have been TTC for years)
Min 2 year age gap between any birth kids and likely age of adopted child. In practice this means many LAs won't talk to you until a birth child is at least 3 yrs old and often not till they are 5 yrs

And the reason they can put some many rules in place is because there are lots of people wanting to adopt. The problem is everybody wants to adopt relatively 'undamaged' children who are preschool age. So there is actually quite a lot of competition to adopt those children. Sadly not many people feel they could adopt older children or disabled children and many of them wait years and years for a new 'forever family'

Hope that helps

Op if it puts the ttc into context,
We were asked to adopt our great nephew.
As soon as I began caring for him as a foster child we put any ideas of having another birth child out of our heads for a good long while.
It's for practical reasons as much as anything else.
I went on to have two more children five years later.
You can have birth children but it makes no sense to be actively ttc whilst going through the adoption process.

I would totally agree with advice given to you already.From personal experience you need to have a thick skin and be prepared for your social worker during home study,to ask very searching and personal questions.

We waited about 2 years after last ivf failed and then applied to adopt as i felt we were ready then mentally to go ahead. It was still a difficult process at times with lots of hoops to jump through.

But in defense of s/workers they want to find the right home for each child and for the adopters to be as happy as the child so that it is a successful placement.

Not much to add to the above advice, except to say that you need to be really clear about why you want to adopt, and consider whether that is instead of or in addition to trying to conceive a birth child. This is probably one of the first things that a social worker will want to discuss with you, and you need to have thought it through carefully and both be in agreement.

Do post back here for further advice if you want help in understanding the process or what is involved. Adoption isn't for everyone, but it is an amazing way (in my experience) to complete your family.

Ps - my adoption story is on the thread titled "Newbie too!" on the adoption board

I'm not going to be as nice as all the other people that have answered you, you have made yourself sound very imature, defensive and clearly not ready to even consider adoption. I hope you learn not to bite the hand that feeds you in the future.

Just a quick post, KickingUpQuestions am not yet an adopter but considering going down that route. Just to say we had IVF, and other fertility treatment - lots of it, and I've had plenty of counselling, some from GP surgery (for free) and some from clinic (as part of treatment). It all helped a bit (and we do have a birth child). Fertility issues are very hard to deal with and I'm sorry to hear of anyone having these problems.

Just for your information in our area we were told 6 months after IVF can start to ask for visit re adoption etc and also I believe in our area the age gap between child and adoptive parent is 50 years. BUT that will (I am sure) very in all areas and might change I guess.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, now or in the future.

If I would be turned down because we have a hope for a BC, then I don't see the point in bothering.

But that's the point, OP, you have to have dealt with your grief at NOT having a BC before you are ready to parent an adopted child. Otherwise it's just not fair to that child to want them to be a sticking plaster for your sadness at not having a BC.

I'm with funnychic here, you're posted unpleasant replies to the good advice that you've been given by people who have experienced adoption and know what they're talking about.