Is this usual?

[barefootcook]

A close member of my family adopted a baby about six months ago. We have sent gifts and spoken on the phone but have have not been shown photos or been encouraged to visit. They live a reasonable distance away.My parents only have one or two photographs. The baby has been going to a nursery almost full time for the last couple of months which seems a little strange to me. Is this usual- shouldn't they be wanting to keep her close and show her off? Our family is generally good at communicating and we all get on very well. I have been told by my sister that parenting an adopted child is very different to a birth child and that could be the reason?? Any thoughts?

No experience Of adoption but maybe they go to nursery so they can work? My dc's grandparents only see pics on Facebook which I wouldn't have thought they'd be so keen to do with it being an adoption, I wouldn't hand them out but then we're not a close family.

Nursery is but weird. It's usually discouraged while they bond and parents should be on adoption leave so not at work.

My friends are Adopting and they've warned everyone this may happen. They are looking to adopt preschool children and have been advised to keep people away for a while.

The circumstances around a childs adoption is no-ones business but the childs. So they could have experienced any number of issues and your sister worried about attachment issues. That doesnt mean not attaching to their carer, moreover attaching to anyone coming in and out of the house, not knowing who is mummy anymore. The nursery is obviously part of their routine and cant be avoided. It sounds like your sister is just trying to put the work in and establish a routine and familiarity before inviting others in.

Thats just my experienced based on how my friends have openly admitted they've been recommended and will play it. Could you maybe send a card to say how you understand etc and look forward to seeing them all when they think dc is ready.

Apologies just re-read your OP and assed it was your sister. Wrong of me.

"Any thoughts?" what kind of thoughts? I'm not sure what kind of advice you're asking for. There isn't close to enough information for me to judge whether their parenting of their child is appropriate and even if I had more information I probably still couldn't judge.

There are a million reasons why they might not be in contact with you. If they have gone back to work in the last couple of months then they're probably struggling to juggle work and home. They may be coping with challenging behavior. They may be suffering from post adoption depression. They may just be busier than they have ever been before and have devoted their non-working hours to their new child.

Or they may just be enjoying their time as a family together.

Harriet - why should they be on adoption leave after 6 months? I wasn't told when I had to take adoption leave, it was left to me to assess what was appropriate. As it was, DS started at a childminder after I'd had custody of him for about 4 months about the same as OP's relatives, albeit part-time.

I was just assuming that it's like maternity leave & people take as much as they can financially manage, majority of people seem to take at least 6 months maternity.

I work in adoption and often the parents have no choice but to return to work for financial reasons,even adoption leave allowance is less than wages so as with mat leave its sometimes necessary to return to work.

Let them do things in their own time,they will have been on a long and stressful journey.

many many companies only offer the minimum statutory adoption pay which is less generous than statutory maternity pay as there is no 90% for first 6 weeks just the £110 (or whatever it is these days) a week flat rate

Didn't know that bit I thought it was the same as stat mat pay at £123ish.

yes the statutory bit is the same but the enhanced maternity pay at 90% of salary for first 6 weeks doesn't exist for adoption. Additionally many many companies have maternity pay provisions which are way more than the statutory minimum, very few have any adoption pay provisions above the minimum.

I'm only used to stat mat provision but it's shit they aren't the same.

I would say that both parents being back to work within 6 months of a pre school aged child being placed is unusual. It is unlikely that they would have formally adopted by then and we were always given a very strong line by both the LAs we have adopted through that at least one of us should be off work for absolute minimum 6 months and really they would like 1 year off work, more if possible. We felt very much under pressure to comply with this, especially while we were sharing parental control.

However, I agree with what Kew said: who knows what their individual circumstances are and what has been agreed would be in the best interests of the child. That is their business and its up to them who and what they share with.

The early months after a child moves in can be very stressful for many reasons (actually having a child for the first time and trying to get to know them, wondering what everyone in your community is thinking about your new family, dealing with questions of contact arrangements etc etc) so gentle words of support and encouragement would be warmly received I'm sure and when they are ready you may hear more. Or equally you may not as many things about an adopted child are not for sharing.

And yes, the fact that adoption pay is not the same as mat pay is totally rubbish. But that is another rant for another day!

Your sister is right, parenting an adopted child is totally different, its like moving a total stranger into the house, a very young stranger who is frightened, confused and bewildered.

If the adopted child has just had to start nursery I would fathom a guess that this has added to the stress for all parties, because lets be honest, adopting is stressful! On top of that I can remember being exhausted for more than the first year of bringing my daughter home, dealing with the issues that come following a placement, we hardly saw anyone but I also wanted to make every minute count with my new daughter.

We used to have family members round all the time for dinner, I could probably count on my 10 fingers how many times I have done that in the last 3.5 years! So don't take offence, they are probably enjoying becoming parents but do phone and ask how they are doing, an ear is always welcome in our house!

www.adoptivemummy.co.uk

I do not think the lack of contact with family is particularly unusual or worrying. It is sensible to take your time and get to know your child and introduce family and friends gradually.

I am quite suprised at the full time nursery if I am honest. Not in a judgemental way but I understood that one parent was expected to give up work for quite a while if a baby was adopted.

It has been a specific requirement for quite a few of the family carers/adopters I know.

I suppose it depends on the LA and once the child is adopted the parents can legally do what they want. They must have decided that the baby was ready and able to cope and they probably need the money.

MrsDV - giving up work wasn't a requirement of my LA - they did question what you would do if your child didn't adjust well to you returning to work and talk about what your options were. In essence they seemed to be looking for an acceptance that your carefully constructed plan might fall apart when you had a child at home and that you had considered this and were prepared for it.

I actually went back 2 days a week for the first month I returned to work, three days month 2 then four days month 3 .

I have no issue with adopters working Kew. It really should be on a case by case basis and the parents are the best judge. In our LA it was a definate requirement for adopters.

I do feel its yet another hoop that kinship carers are expected to jump through and they are usually in a much worse position to do so than other adopters (due to lack of planning/notice etc).

I was expected to. In our case I thought it was fair enough due to DS's totally chaotic early life but we couldnt manage it without an adoption allowance.
As it happened everything went sodding pear shaped after a year and I ended up having to leave him for weeks on end because of DD's illness.

I don't think there's enough info here to tell whether there is some issue. It is unusual for a young child to be at nursery so soon after placement, but it's not illegal. It's up to the parents to decide what's best.

I do think it's maybe unwise to be putting photos on Facebook, but again, without knowing the child's background, it's not clear whether this is potentially an issue re birth family being able to trace them, or not a concern in this case.

In short, let them know you're around, maybe offer to babysit one evening if possible? Or Invite them over? But let them do things in their own way.

No I didn't think you had an issue MrsDV, was just explaining that my LA were reasonable about it.

I didnt think you thought I had an issue Kew, I was just.....

no only joking