How to support a friend when her new children arrive?

[yellowflowers]

A friend has just been approved by the adoption panel and is now waiting for a match. We don't live in the same town so I won't meet them for ages, and I know visitors need to be kept to a minimum at first anyway, but just wondered if you have any advice for when her children do arrive. What should my card say? What kind of present should I send?

What a nice friend you are . Can I just say that when my birth child was born, I couldn't move for the flowers and cards and presents. When my adopted child came to us, I got almost zilch. Not that it's about presents, but I was hurt at how few people sent cards or rang to ask how we were getting on. I've heard other adoptive parents saying the same and think many people feel awkward with adoption and don't know how to celebrate it, so do nothing at all. So big brownie points for you!

I imagine you can get special adoption cards, but they're probably not necessary. Just send a lovely card saying Congratulations and Welcome to your lovely children, sort of thing. Presents are a bit more tricky and obviously depend on the age of the child etc. Also be aware that adopters are usually asked not to shower new stuff on a newly adopted child, but to keep things low key and as far as possible use existing toys, books, clothes etc while they're getting settled. You could ask your friend? Or, as a compromise, start off with a gift for her - champagne and chocolates, or a massage voucher - and tell her you will be giving the children a special gift in three months, when you and she have a better idea of what would be just right for them.

Same as Devora with our first,had loads of gifts with second as dd1 was at school and mums in class were great.
I think in people's minds,as it's not usually a newborn,they have no idea what to do.
We also had generous allowances with both and had bought most things.
I really appreciated the photo albums,lovely crockery sets and surprisingly items of clothing.
I would wait and see what age the child is,a voucher is always a good idea. A friend of ours gave us one for a photographer,we used it for great photos of the kids.

My theory is that people are less sure about adoption presents, because there's less of a defined moment like a birth: there's matching, then introductions, then coming home, then the legal process... At which point do you say "congratulations on the adoption"?

FWIW, what I've done with our friends from preparation group who have all adopted toddlers is give them a plain "congratulations" card for just after they have brought the child home, along with those Ikea plates (I'm on a bit of a crusade, as they really are the best plates for little people just learning to feed themselves!), some nice toddler cutlery and some nice hand cream (nappies = lots of hand washing = need for hand cream). Obviously, if they had been older I would have got them something different, probably books.

Photo albums and frames are always good. One slight note of caution re vouchers - I was given one for a massage, and I just never got to use it (by the time we could use baby sitters rather than the couple of people approved to look after our daughter before the court order, it had expired, and I just couldn't get the logistics to work sooner). But a photography session sounds good.

I stayed away but texted my friend so she could answer when she had time. I also got them a studio photo session which they enjoyed using. We also organised a roto of people to cook meals for them all so they could spend time settling as a family without having to also worrying about cooking, it also gave them away of trying lots of new food without feeling hurt that the children wouldn't eat the food they cooked. I think they also cooked a few things they had been told the children were used to eating.
Not asking about the children backgrounds, anything you need to know she will tell you

We got TONS on presents for dd, WAY more than when ds was born. We got presents from people we barely know; presents from my parents' friends, my sister's friends, neighbours I'd never spoken to before. We were absolutely gobsmacked with the amount of presents we got. We were so grateful for everything we got, I don't think you can make a mistake with a present of any kind because the parents will just be delighted that you're acknowledging this wonderful event. Just to give you ideas, we got loads of gorgeous clothes (makes me think of the giver each time dd wears an outfit), a picture frame, a beautiful quilt from a fellow quilter, a doll (dd is absolutely in love with Baby Annabel), a doll's buggy, books, toys...We love each and every present she received, genuinely. Whatever you give will be treasured.

I got loads of stuff too but to be fair DS's adoption was played out on my blog via mumsnet for about 3 months while I was in Kazakhstan! I had no idea how many people had been following it until a little while after I got back.