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Adoption

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Original poster

Adoption frustrations!

21 replies

Ladyofthehouse · 03/05/2012 16:47

Hi,

I have been a lurker on this thread for some time and have found lots of your stories inspiring over the last year so I?m selfishly hoping for another pick-me-up!

We started our adoption journey last April after 2 failed IVF attempts and 6 long years of wanting a family. We were always in favour of adoption and were initially going to go down that route but were put off by our local authority. Anyway we have since gone with another local authority who we have found to be very positive.

I have found lots of the process to be very long winded and repetitive but we have embraced it whenever we could and made a point of not getting too frustrated.

However my frustration now is that we were booked in for our panel in the next couple of weeks and have been for some time. Our report is finished, our references have been visited, we have had our medicals and there have been no issues flagged up at any point along the way. Our social worker has said all along how quickly and positively we have dealt with the process.

So we have just received an email from our social workers boss saying she is now off sick for the next 4 weeks so our panel date has been moved back by a whole month. No question of can we get this off work or are we available (obviously we will make sure we are!).

Knowing that everything has been done and we are ready to go I feel so completely beaten down by it. I know another month in the scheme of things isn?t that long but it just feels that we were so close and it?s just been swept away. Possibly an overreaction I know!

Has anybody else had similar frustrations with the process? Any words of wisdom to perk me up??

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 03/05/2012 16:57

Hi Ladyofthehouse I've got no words of wisdom I'm afraid and I'm right at the start of the process so can't comment on how quickly things are meant to happen or not! But just wanted to pop on here and sympathise with you! It's a total pain that things have been delayed but can you just try and enjoy this month and do some nice relaxing things so you don't build up any stress before the meeting? Book a massage or a meal out in a couple of weeks time so you have something to look forward to? Whatever happens, wishing you all the best.

Moomoomie · 03/05/2012 17:01

I know how frustrated you are feeling, but if it is your SW off sick they can't present you to panel, as your SW needs to be the one to talk your case.
If you can get over these frustrations you will be well set for the frustrations once a child is placed with you.
Good Luck.

snail1973 · 03/05/2012 19:30

Arghhhh, its rubbish isn't it! When we were approved our panel date got delayed to make way for people who were being matched with children. Even though I knew this was fair it still felt like such a let down as you spend so many months building up to that one meeting don't you?

A month will go by quicker than you think though. Good luck

Kewcumber · 03/05/2012 19:40

"Has anybody else had similar frustrations with the process? Any words of wisdom to perk me up??"

This too shall pass.

We have nearly all had moment of sheer mind exploding frustrations along the way. Mine were many and varied and make quite amusing stories with hindsight.

Just remember.... this too shall pass!

hifi · 03/05/2012 20:20

Something always goes wrong,cock ups etc keep on in there. Use the time to get prepared,those jobs you keep putting off.once you are through panel things could start moving quickly. Good luck.

Kewcumber · 03/05/2012 20:22

I found sobbing in darkened corners at parties helped relieve the frustration or lying on the floor at tesco doing deep breathing exercises. Of course people do tend to treat you rather like an unexploded bomb, but hey ho.

[helpful emoticon]

hifi · 03/05/2012 20:26

I like your coping strategies kew.

Kewcumber · 03/05/2012 20:50

They are tried and tested.

Unfortunately I'm unable to shop in Tesco anymore - but no great loss.

Devora · 03/05/2012 22:40

It is infuriating but very much part of the experience, I'm afraid. See it as a practice run for the infinitely frustrating and soul-destroying experience that is matching

All sympathies. I would endorse kew's tips, plus I find ranting to total strangers about the minutiae of the adoption process is always a winner. 3 years on, with my beautiful child finally home, I still like to do a bit of this just to keep my hand in

happypotter · 04/05/2012 02:24

We had an absolute nightmare with our home study from start to finish. Our panel was delayed as yours is, then for reasons I'd rather not put on here (but through no fault of ours) we were 'deferred' after our first panel, needed to basically redo homestudy with a second sw.

At the time it was awful, everything was going against us. But relatively quickly after our second panel, we heard about our ds, who hadn't been born when we'd been to first panel. If we had been approved first time, we may have been matched with other children.

I think our process was meant to be prolonged so that we would be matched with ds. It's as if it was meant to be. I know this sounds pretty daft but I'm going to post it anyway

Good luck.

Original poster

Ladyofthehouse · 04/05/2012 08:23

Thankyou all so much - I knew you would have some words of wisdom!

Happypotter - that's such a great way to look at it. Maybe our child just needs a bit longer so a little delay is needed!

hifi - you're right - we'd set ourselves a major saving/decluttering task and although we're doing really well at the saving the decluttering part has, ahem, not worked quite so well! I think we will use these rainy days to our advantage!

Kew - Yes I know that feeling! Although some friends just don't get it at all - they seem to think it's so wonderful that I can drink during my pregnancy and will possibly have a child that will be old enough to have gone through the teething stage so will be so easy!!

It's so lovely to hear such positive stories - we know it will be very hard too but you tend to only hear about the absolute horror stories!

I will no longer be a lurker!!

OP posts:

hifi · 04/05/2012 19:05

Any idea what age they have recommended for you? If the child will be under 2 it may be worth asking around if anyone has any spare kit,cots etc. although with ours we did get 1000.00 to buy everything. With our first we only had a week to prepare,had to buy everything in 2 days.

hifi · 04/05/2012 19:05

Also all the safety stuff in the house took time. Window locks,stair gates,covering sockets etc.

hifi · 04/05/2012 19:06

Devora · 04/05/2012 19:51

You got a grand for baby shopping, hifi?

I didn't get me bus fare home.

hifi · 04/05/2012 20:10

We didn't expect it,not all LAs offer it.we got it for our first and last one.

Original poster

Ladyofthehouse · 05/05/2012 14:31

We have said ideally under 2 but would consider up to age 5. I think it is likely they will be under 2 though as they seem to have a lot of around that age.

That is a good idea to start planning. We bought stair gates last week and have tested them.

Wow I am very impressed your LA gave you money to help with the shopping. We've been told to expect nothing.

I know some LA's pay for the medicals as well but ours didn't which was £200 we hadn't budgeted for! Oh well!!

MIL has offered to buy the cot/bed.....she has done this with her other 6 grandchildren so we were expecting it really!!

OP posts:

Adoptionrulesok · 06/05/2012 19:24

I have a friend who is an also an adoptive mummy. She had an absolute nightmare with both her approval and matching panels so you are definately not alone.

I thank god that ours was easy, but I know we were very very lucky with the whole process seemingly being on our side.

I found that focusing on the end result of difinately having a child (as opposed to the IVF "gamble") was a really useful way to calm myself down, however, have felt very much like using some of Kewcumbers coping strategies at times .

Good luck, and keep going x x x x

Adoptionrulesok · 06/05/2012 19:25

definiltely* I cannot seem to spell that word, it looks wrong however I type it, sorry :)

Adoptionrulesok · 06/05/2012 19:36

Definitely, is that it? I give up :) I am not normally quite this stupid, I blame a 2yr old non-sleeper!!

Happyasapiginshite · 06/05/2012 21:33

Happypotter, we feel exactly the same as you. Our road to dd was very bumpy. There were loads of disappointments and delays along the way. We were the last of our group of 5 couples who went through the process together to get home with our dd. The last of our friends came home with their ds in Dec 2010. Well, our dd was only born in Oct 2010 so we really believe all the delays were there because we had to wait for her. How could she be anyone else's? She was our destiny and we were hers.

Ladyofthehouse, some day you'll look back at these frustrations with your child in your arms and you'll know why there were delays for you. You'll end up with the child that's meant for you. It's so easy to say that from this side of the road but you're on your way to your child. You just can't see where you're going yet.

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