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Adoption

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Bit of a long shot....

15 replies

Yankeecandlequeen · 27/04/2012 09:17

right then - from the start!

I have a Just Giving page cos I'm collecting money for a charity in memory of my late mum. The other day a chap whom I do not know donated £10 and mentioned in the comment "please let me know where *** has been laid to rest". I thought it was a bit odd but I'm thankfull for the donation.

Last night the phone went & I answered & a chap asked for my DH. I told him to call back about 10pm as he was out, and call back he did. I was in bed at this time. DH came up & said it was me the chap wanted not him but didn't want to speak to me dierctly. DH gave the name as the donor of the £10 on my Just giving page.

He said to DH he was my older half brother Shock. Now my mother died a few yrs ago & a few months ago my maternal nan died. He mentioned both their names & even the name of my nan's house. He said he met them yrs ago (didn't way when).

I'm ever so shocked & puzzled. I have no idea who to speak to. I have his name & address & he left his phone number but I'm not ready to speak to him till I have more evidence.

I called the register office now & they can't help me as I don't have his birth name only his date of birth.

Where do I go from here without speaking to him? DH said he will call him back in due course.....but this is one hell of a bloody shock.

OP posts:
LooLilly · 27/04/2012 09:57

Wow, that would be a shock.

I'm sorry I don't really have any advice just didn't want to ignore you.

Do you have any siblings or other close maternal family you could discuss this with?.
Maybe your dh could explain to him that you need time and ask if he is willing to give more information.

Yankeecandlequeen · 27/04/2012 10:21

Thanks for replying. Apart from DH I have a younger brother & my dad. Definately not gonna say anything to them right now.

I have a cousin on mum's side whom I'm very close to. When nan died he knew a lot of details about things & I could speak to him.

I've so damn puzzled as I when I cleared nan's house I never found any photos or documents relating to this - presuming my nan would have kept a photo as she never threw them away!

I think I will as DH to speak to him & ask him his birth name, and ask whether he has any adoption papers I could see.

After writing the 1st post I checked my Gone Too Soon page I set up after mum died & back in November 2011 he wrote along the lines of "sorry I only met you twice, all my love".........its freaky.

OP posts:
auntevil · 03/05/2012 17:04

Not surprised you're in shock.
Firstly - if your DH is up for it, let him deal with him to start with.
Find out why this man believes that he is your half brother. It could be he has done some research and has his own evidence - adoption file etc.
When I approached my birth family, I had the physical evidence, but didn't know if anyone had any knowledge of me.
Turns out, only a few close family in my BMs family knew anything about me. I have 4 younger half brothers that knew absolutely nothing about me. She had decided to say nothing as she didn't believe that I would contact her. She hadn't even told her DH that she had had me - so I came as quite a shock Grin
This is the problem with family secrets - they information dies with the last person that knows.
Let us know how you get on

Kristina2 · 04/05/2012 06:56

Im sorry this has all been a bit of a shock for you

Howvere i do tbink its pretty likely that this man is genuine. Unless you or your family are millionaire or slebs, its unlikely that he would be fradulent

You wont be able to get access to his original birth ceftificate, but he will, so he willl be able to show you a copy. Thsi will have your mums name , adress at the time etc. So you will knwo its true. As he has met your mum, she might have told him who his father is ( its probably not on his borth certificate).its possibel that this might be your father too.

Quite often young couples have a baby, the baby is given up for adoption ( family and social pressure) but the young couple stay together or get back together , marry and go on to have more children.

Im just warinig you its possible thats he could be your full sibling ( some people havent even considered this)

More likely though hes your half brother

Im sure You will understand the reasosn your mum did this and why she kept it secret. This was the advice given to women years ago and she was only doing what she thought was best for the baby and her family. Most of us wouod have done the same in the situation. Please dont judge her too harshly

Give yourself a little time to come to terms with this. I hope that when the time is right yiu will be able to contcat your half brother. Even if you dont want to meet up , im sure he wouod appreciate some information about and photos of your mother, grandparenst etc.

HTH

Yankeecandlequeen · 06/05/2012 19:28

Thanks for replying. I am 100% my father's daughter! The resemblence is so ture! Mum & dad were together for a short time when they married & then I came along.

I have decided to let DH ask this chap about his birth name. Then I can go to the register office (if he was born locally) to see for myself. If mum was "sent away" I'd have to get him to send me a copy of the certificate. What is puzzling me is mum would have been 24 when she gave birth in '73. Would women really give their babies away back then? Was is such a taboo that she wasn't married? Mum was engaged to a chap for a short time to this chap a few yrs before my dad - she told me this yrs ago. Maybe this man is this chaps father?! I'm still puzzled. Sadly he has also died.

OP posts:
Kristina2 · 06/05/2012 22:24

Im not sure if YOU can get a copy of a birth certificate for a child who was later adopted. The record is marked to that effect. But this man should be able to send you a copy.

And yes, in many circles there was still quite a taboo in 1974 about being an unwed mother. I was at uni in the early 1980 s and lots of studenst used to lie to their paremst about living with their bf /gf.or paremst who knew used to lie to friends and family.

Apart from any stigma, tnere was still the issue for your mother about where she wouod live and how she would support herself and her baby. Assuming she and her fiance had split up.its still not easy being a young lone parent without any family support. She couod have been under a lot of pressure from her and /or her fiances family . Or perhaos she decided not to tell them at the time, in case they pressurised her to get back togther with him. Im sure it wasnt an easy decision for her.women were told they were doing the best thing for the child.

izzyizin · 09/05/2012 22:09

If your dm was sent away to give birth it's unlikely that the birth will have been registered in your local registry office but, even it was, you won't be able to view their registers and will need to make the necessary application and pay for a copy certificate.

The National Register Office holds the registers of all births/deaths/marriages that occur in England/Wales. The registers of births are divided into quarters - Jan-Mar, Apr-Jun, Jul-Sept, Oct-Dec - and it's important to note that, for example, the name of a child born in say, mid to late February may not appear in the expected quarter's register but will be found in the register for the following quarter.

Similarly, the birth of a child in, say, December 1973 may not be be registered until January 1974.

Where a child is adopted, a copy of their original birth certificate can be obtained either from the registry office that registered the birth or from the National Register Office .

Adoptions are recorded separately in yearly registers; copy adoption certificates can be obtained from the NRO but it is necessary to know the new name of the adopted child to verify that they are one and the same as the child whose birth you have found in the general registers..

Pre-1980 the registers of adoptions are massive tomes but they became progressively slimmer and lighter in subsequent years.

Secrets and lies are commonly practised in families and it's entirely probable that a child who was adopted out of your family traced their birth mother, and met your dm and dgm who saw fit not to tell you or your younger sibling, Ycq. I sincerely hope that, on receipt of proof that you have a half-sibling, you will welcome them into your family.

I've helped many adoptees trace their birth families and, sadly, your experience is not uncommon, auntevil, but your subsequent contact with your birth mother can't be said to have caused her any shock other than that of your existence possibly being exposed to her h and other dc she has had since she gave birth to you.

As it's also not uncommon for more than one illegitimate child of the same mother to be given up for adoption, I recommend checking the registers of births for the years prior and subsequent to the birth of a child who was given up for adoption until such time as evidence of her marriage and the possible birth(s) of her legitimate dc can be found. .

It's important to bear in mind that pre-1975 it wasn't uncommon for twins/triplets etc to be separated at a young age and adopted by different families.

Should any mumsnetter be embarking on the search for their birth family, or be in need of any assistance genealogy-wise, please feel free to pm me.

Yankeecandlequeen · 13/05/2012 21:19

Well it seems this story has truth in it. I mentioned in passing to my trusted cousin that I had something of importance I needed to speak to him about, but not on the phone/text. Something another member of the family may know something about and I said "maybe your mum"....then he said "I may know". I said "something that happened before I was born" then he said "and before your mum & dad married. How did he find you?"........

So he does know. I've been summoned to his house on Tuesday!! I bet he has some paperwork/photos or some other document.

I shall be back to inform you of the info!

OP posts:
Kristina2 · 13/05/2012 21:23

Thamks for updating us. How are you feeling about it all?

Yankeecandlequeen · 14/05/2012 22:07

I'm still in some shock TBH! I'm puzzled as to what he's got to tell me. He said today "you'll understand why it had to be done and it took some time for me to understand it"....whatever that means.

I can't wait till tomorrow evening! I just hope it wasn't something bad that happened to mum to make it end in givng up her son IYKWIM. I think my nan had a big say in why it had to be done.....then again I don't know & I'm guessing!

I'll have a lot to explain to my brother....then decided

a) does dad know & how to I approach him with the info or

b) if he does know do I tell him I know & I've been contacted?

But as I said I can't do nothing till after tomorrow.

OP posts:
Kristina2 · 14/05/2012 23:11

I bope it goes ok tomorrow. Im guessing your brother means that he took some time to come to terms with it. Perhaps it was something considered shocking at the time, like your mothers bf was married or of a different ethnicity or religion or it was a short term relationship.

Attitudes have chnanged so much, its sometimes hras to understand why people made the decisions they did.

Please dont worry about telling your dad right now. There is no hurry, you need time to find out what you can and think it through.

Yankeecandlequeen · 16/05/2012 12:49

Well I've had the whole story. Mum was sent away by my nan to a home for unmarried mothers. Had a little boy, was adopted. Never to be spoken of again. He visited my nan in 2000 & she said she didn't want anything to do with him, told him where my mum lived & he went tosee her. Mum was in such a shock she told him she couldn't cope with him at that time. He left his number with her......then nothing. Maybe mum didn't like to keep in touch cos of nan.....who knows.

But my father does know & has done since the very start. Which I;m glad about as I don't have to tell him. But do I tell him that I now know of this person?

I also need to tell my younger brother.

But I WILL see my older half brother. I owe that to him. It was a pain for me to wait 2 nights for this story. He's had to wait nearly 40 yrs for this so I'm gonna go for it. Not now but soon when my head is in the right frame of mine.

What has hurt me more is the coldness of my nan towards my mother. She was alone during thins hime in the home, no visits./calls. Even had to give birth alone & accordinig to my family member she had a very difficult labour.

I am heart broken & last night, for the 1st time since mum died I hear my self saying "I want my mum" in the most pitiful voice & I cried & cried. I hadn't cried like that since the morning she died.

I just want her back so I can give her a hug & tell her its OK & I wish she hadn;t taken her secret wioth her to her grave.

OP posts:
SwimmingLikeADuck · 16/05/2012 13:12

Wow, must stumbled on this thread, and your final post made me cry. Please dont feel like it affects the closeness you and your mum had. I have a 2yr old dd and therewill be lots of things i neglect to talk about relationships wise, but it doesnt alter that I think the absolute world of her.
I think this could be a blessing for you, what a wonderful thing (possibly) to have an addition to the family. Best of luck

Yankeecandlequeen · 17/05/2012 13:36

Well DH called him last night to tell him that I have found out the truth & the reasons why. He was fine about it & agreed that I need time & space to come to terms with it and also speak to my dad & younger brother.

But I took the plunge earlier & messaged him on Facebook to say "hello", explain I have to speak to others & I shall be in touch with him. Also told him I'd like to meet up sometime to answer any questions he has & also fill him in on things & tell him lots about mum.

I could never forgive myself if I refused to see him. My nan ignored him & my mum was forced to give him up & was in so much shock when he landed on her doorstep. I can't do that to him. Its now MY time & I'm gonna to right for him. he spoke to dad at that time & he said dad was very nice to him (thankfully!)

OP posts:
SwimmingLikeADuck · 19/05/2012 14:53

well done you. Good to hear your dad trated him well -maybe he will help you get to know him?

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