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Adoption

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Original poster

Home study

22 replies

Maiyakat · 17/04/2012 20:53

Hi, I'm a long time lurker on these boards. At the end of last year I finally took the plunge and contacted my LA about adoption. I've since done the prep course, and my home study starts soon. I'm a bit nervous, and whilst I completely understand why every area of my life has to be put under the microscope I'm not particulalry looking forward to it! Is it going to be as bad as I think it is?!

OP posts:

Lilka · 17/04/2012 21:21

Hi and welcome :)

It's so normal to be really nervous about it! Everyone finds it a bit different. Personally, I found it fine both times, it wasn't a trial and a few of the sessions were almost fun. my SW's were friendly and chatty and we got on well, so the talking went by quite quickly. I also found it a very useful time for gathering my own thoughts about certain issues.

I've heard some adopters say that they didn't like it, but I've heard some say that they positively enjoyed it! I don't think it's too intrusive, although it does of course depend on whether you are a private person or not. I'm not particularly private, so I didn't mind lots of questions about my childhood and my relationships with my parents and prior girlfriends/partners etc. But I can see how some people might be very uncomfortable with that

Anyway, I think if you get on well with your SW, you should be fine, so try not to worry (I know you will anyway but keep thinking positive!) :)

skylarkuk · 17/04/2012 22:24

We found homestudy easy and are one of those that actually quite enjoyed it, we had a good social worker and when she came it was just like having a chat and coffee witha good friend. Yes there is a bit of form filling but some of it really makes you evaluate realistically your expectations.

www.adoptivemummy.co.uk

Happyasapiginshite · 17/04/2012 23:03

We actually enjoyed the homestudy part of the process too. It's weird having a conversation with someone that's all about you but we actually didn't find it too intrusive. It felt a bit like therapy too and my dh said some lovely sincere things about me that I'd never heard before. We used to go out for lunch after each session. Like skylarkuk, we had (have) a lovely social worker which helped. At no point did we feel she was trying to catch us out.

Best of luck with the process.

Devora · 18/04/2012 00:05

I found the home study part easy. We had a nice social worker and I'm a pretty open person, anyway. It doesn't feel intrusive if you keep remembering why it is they need to ask certain things.

Original poster

Maiyakat · 18/04/2012 22:47

Thank you all for your replies! Its good to hear you all found the home study ok. I'm quite a private person so talking to a stranger will be a bit weird. Trying to think of it as a process that will, if all goes well, make me a better parent in the end :)

OP posts:

MissFenella · 19/04/2012 15:54

every area of my life has to be put under the microscope

We have just finished home study and didn't find this the case at all. Just be open and honest and it should go fine. I never felt we were intruded upon or dissected as a couple or individuals. It is tiring for some reason though.

You can prepare a bit by thinking about what parenting means for you, how you cope with stress as a couple, who supports you etc. But it is not a hideous experience.

Good luck!

Adoptionrulesok · 19/04/2012 15:56

It's absolutely fine tbh. Quite therapuetic at times really :)

They didn't ask any questions that weren't expected, and it's not as intrusive as the Daily Fail would have you believe!

Good luck, it's a wonderful thing you are doing

x x

Kewcumber · 19/04/2012 19:49

I didn't find it intrusive exactly, but then like others have said I'm not a particularly private person!

However I did find some of the questions ridiculous and struggled with the obvious formulaic-ness (if thats a word) of the approach. I told them what they wanted to know and very much treated it as a job interview (which I guess it is in a way), so honesty but tempered and presented in a way that puts you in the best possible light. eg "yes I know I have a problem with my weight but it has made me very aware of nutrition and how I can help a child growing up by not repeated the mistakes made in my childhood".

All the social workers I had were professional and pleasant although some were a little flaky and some more than a little dogmatic.

I counsel people against treating it as therapy. I know personally two couples who have hit serious problems after treating their home study as counselling (they are people who have had counselling in the past) confiding every worry they had and every disagreement about parenting etc. The social worker became quite alarmed and suggested they needed counselling to resolve this before continuing which surprised them and delayed the process. I think they thought the social worker was going to do that for them.

What I found tough was the relentlessness of the process and the time it took and the uncertainties along the way. It was three years of not being totally sure you were going to get a child that you would be happy with and in my case several barriers along the way which on at least one occasion might have proved insurmountable.

As I said - just think of it as a drawn out interview.

Devora · 19/04/2012 22:28

Gosh yes, be very careful NOT to be too open! I'm not saying that you should be dishonest, but remember that everything you tell them, they have a duty to investigate that and make sure it won't cause problems later. For example, I never volunteered to my social worker that I have often wanted to smack my child. I have told her (truthfully) that I have never slapped a child and that we don't do smacking in this household. I feel fine with that. I owed it to her to tell her how I am likely to parent a child. I didn't owe it to her to expose all the darkest recesses of my soul, especially those bits that are firmly kept under control. Dark recesses are for therapists, not social workers.

Happyasapiginshite · 19/04/2012 23:28

And don't forget the biscuits, the right biscuits

Lilka · 20/04/2012 07:35

I agree with Devora and Kew. You shoul never lie in a homestudy but you don't need to bare your soul either or tell the entire entire truth if it isn't appropriate. And of course I agree with Happy. The right biscuits make a good impression Now, what are the right biscuits again?

Original poster

Maiyakat · 20/04/2012 11:33

I couldn't get the Social Worker who did my home study to accept a glass of water, let alone a biscuit! So good to hear all the advice and the positive experiences :)

OP posts:

snail1973 · 20/04/2012 12:35

Hmmm, I feel duty bound to stick my nose in here. The first time we were approved we did find the process pretty intrusive and quite a lot of the sessions made me cry.

At the end of the home study we felt it had been very positive for us as a couple, but... there were definitely some areas covered that I felt did not need to done in the detail they were eg. sex life - how often, what kind? Also SW found it really hard to accept that I was OK with not being able to have children naturally, and she prodded and poked at this topic for a long time over a number of sessions.

Second time we were approved it was a breeze, different LA and different SW (a couple of years down the line) and she asked none of those things, was really positive and everything was easy peasy.

Happyasapiginshite · 20/04/2012 14:26

OMG, as the young folk say. I can't believe she asked such private questions, snail. Our SW just asked us how important our sex life was to us. End of story. ANd she was absolutely mortified asking us. And what does DH say??? Well, it;s not lot when we were younger, we used to be at it like rabbits...

Kewcumber · 20/04/2012 14:50

When I have time I must tell you about the sex discussion with my social worker... very amusing. later tonight when I have time.

Lilka · 20/04/2012 16:51

Luckily my first SW was either too embarassed to ask about my sex life in any form, or she didn't have to

My second SW on the other hand, did ask. Not only about my sex life with my former long term partner, which I was expecting and had a prepared answer for. But about my single, shall we say 'solo sex life'. With a very red face And I used to think couples had it bad...being asked about sex is so much easier than basically being asked whether you......
And I'm not a prude by any stretch of the imagination. It was excruciating at the time. Funny now though

Moomoomie · 20/04/2012 16:56

We did not have to answer any questions about our sex life at all in either home study... I feel I have missed out! Personally I found the home study a positive time, I will talk the hind leg off a donkey and we had a good relationship with our SW.
Kew... Looking forward to hearing your story

Devora · 20/04/2012 18:07

You were asked about your sex life?

WHY? [naive emoticon]

We didn't go anywhere NEAR that territory. Maybe our sw looked at our knackered faces (young child already in the home) and decided that discretion was the better part of valour.

Original poster

Maiyakat · 20/04/2012 18:14

Oh my goodness Lilka, I thought being single I was going to avoid the current sex life questions!!

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 20/04/2012 19:01

the very short version....

SW (who I'd never met before) sent to do my home study update (have to have one annually if you are not matched) and I was waiting for my invitation to travel to Kaz expected withint the week or two.

Tells me I have to be careful not to get pregnant whilst waiting for a match
KC tries in any number of ways to explain that she is not in a "relationship" and therefore not likely to get pregnant in the next 2 weeks.

SW persists and gives birds and bees lecture about not needing to be in a relationship to get pregnant.
KC gives up euphemisms and being polite " yes but you do have to be having sex and I'm not, so unless I jump the taxi driver on teh way to the airport it really not possible for me to get pregnant". (I think I'm paraphrasing, but not much! )

SW happy, KC wondering at what point her life dissolved into being lectured about safe sex by a complete stranger

MissFenella · 20/04/2012 19:34

No sex questions for us either, but they did eat home made rocky road and always had a hot drink.

Moomoomie · 20/04/2012 21:58

Kew.... Maybe she thought you were going to join the mile high club with the pilot on the aeroplane.
We had the lecture on how important it was not to fall pregnant within the first year.
I remember buying a pack of condoms..... Think we still have a few left. 11 years later.

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