just started on the process

[MumToTheBoy]

Hi, this is my first post on this board.

I have polycystic ovaries and have had many years of fertility problems, resulting in 3 miscarriages and one now 6 year old son!

After a few years of discussion and much thought, we have decided to go down the route of adoption. We have been to an adoption information meeting and sent off the application form, and are now waiting for our first interview, which is on April 18th.

I have been reading this board to get some ideas of what is ahead of us, and I've been wondering if we will find out their decision at the interview or if they contact us afterwards?

How you doing MumToTheBoy? I am thinking of you, sounds like others have got some wise words. We live near the border of another county and I had not considered going to a different county but I am glad I read this thread because it does make me think of that, and also because it is good to be alongside you hearing about your story.

Thinking of you and hoping this negative experience has not upset you too much.

MumToTheBoy don't panic. It sounds like you have had an awful social worker for your first meeting. We've been in the approval process since June last year and luckily we have a great SW who tells it like it is without scaremongering. However it has become clear to us that adoption is not an easy process, and rightly so, and we are unlikely to be able to adopt a child who hasn't been abused in some way. The process will take a while, you'll probably have to go through preparation courses and it was only after these that our 8 month deadline clock started ticking! We have a 3 year old already and hope to be matched by Christmas if all goes well. Don't be put off though - I'd request another SW if I were you and hope that you get clearer information from them. I'm sorry if I'm rambling but we have kept in touch with most people from our adoption preparation course and they all have different SWs to us and their processes are taking a different path but we all hope to get to the same finish line in the end.

Hi everyone, thanks for all the messages.

I'm still reeling a bit from the meeting on Wednesday and am feeling quite battered emotionally. My dh and I have had a few deep conversations about what kind of additional needs we feel we are able to cope with and the more we talk the more we feel maybe this isn't for us at the moment. We don't have any savings, although we are now in a position to start saving but even if we could afford it I don't want to give up my job. I've been teaching for 13 years and have a position on the leadership team and I've worked bloody hard to get to where I am. I can't just quit. So I have to be brutal with myself and accept that if I'm not ready to stop working then maybe I'm not ready to adopt.

I'm quite confused because I specifically asked the sw at the info evening about the fact that I work full time and she was adamant that hey don't expect us to give up our jobs, but on Wednesday that sw was adamant I would have to.

We are still waiting to hear back from them so I will see what they say. I may explain how confused we are and ask her to clarify some points, but at the moment my dh is still upset about how she spoke to us and is unwilling to put us through anything like that again. It's so fustrating!

i think it will be very difficult to have a school age without at least having adoption leave. at that age you will probably have a child who has been in long term foster care or has been removed from a family.i would imaging at least 6 months off, at a minimum.it will take at least that or more for the adoption to go through.once the adoption is finalised you can do what you want.

I think everyone who starts on the adoption journey finds they face a lot of tough decisions.

TBH all the SWs I have come across have been v clear that they would definitely prefer me to stop work for 'as long as necessary'. You just don't know until you have a child whether they would cope with going to a childminder or nursery. So they want you to say up front, "I will stay at home for as long as necessary".

Reality is, once approved and waiting for a child, you will find yourself in competition with other couples . If the SWs see that other couples are all prepared to stay off work indefinitely then they would have an advantage over you and it may mean you wait longer for a child.

But.... that shouldn't in itself be a reason not to go forward. You could take a year off, and in that time you would probably have formally adopted the child and then, TBH, you can do whatever you want and SWs can't say/do anything. But if at that point it is clear that your child couldn't cope with childcare what would you do?

Sorry, no easy answers. BUt then there never is where kids are concerned, adopted or not!

See this is where I think we were misled at the first meeting - I know I am able to take a year off work with adoption leave entitlements, and we were assuming I would need to use all or most of that, which the sw at the info evening agreed with. So to be told no, you will have to stay off work indefinitely was a shock. Especially as she had literally just finished telling us how we should stop spending money on things we don't need and start saving (which we both found extremely rude and patronising, especially as we don't spend our money frivolously, we can't afford to!!)

I have a child in my class at the moment who is in foster care and yes he has attachment disorder and yes he can be hard work (but in my experience no harder than your average 5 yr old) so I think I've been assuming we would be able to be matched with a child like him. Or like my friends younger sister who was adopted aged 4 and has no additional needs. Her parents worked full time and didn't take any time off at all as she was in reception full time when she joined them. So perhaps I had a rose tinted view of it all and I know the sw was most likely being as brutal as she could to check we were serious etc but it was the rudeness and the patronising that upset us. Also like I said before, we said we don't feel able to have a child with disabilities and she sneered at us for saying that.

I will wait and see what she says when she calls us next week but my dh said again yesterday that he doesn't feel he can do this any more and I can't force him or do it on my own so this is probably the end of the road for us.

I do feel extremely extremely grateful that we managed to have a healthy son. I need to stop worrying about what we can't have and focus on what we do have!!

I really would talk to another agency, MTTB, even if you do decide it's not for you at this time. You will find they say all sorts of different things, and one sw's word is not law.

FWIW, I adopted a 10 month old baby and took 6 months off work, then went back PT and my dp also was PT so she was cared for entirely at home for the first year. It was not an option for me not to return to work. Most of the adoptive mothers I know are back at work. I think it is a really, really good idea to take at least 6 and preferably 12 months after adoption. After that you need to be prepared for the possibility that you may have to give up work if your child really needs you, but that is also true for your birth child, isn't it? You make the best plans and then life does what it does and you respond as best you can.

I don't see anything wrong with going ahead on the basis that you expect to go back to work after a year, and are looking for a child whose care needs do not preclude that, but of course you are aware of the need for flexibility and prioritising your children's needs.

I agree with Devora. A full year off work is usually what is expected of prospective adopters, but just bear in mind that sometimes a child you adopt might need you to stay off more. I now work part time, but I didn't work at all for a long time because DD2's needs were so great - I was in meetings with SS, school and counselling sessions nearly every weekday, and they all get scheduled at the most inconvenient times. Then DD2 needed my full attention at home, so no time to sit down and do work there either. It just wasn't feasible to work then, although it's mostly fine now. Plan for a year off, and look for a child that won't need more on paper, but having some kind of plan B where you don't work is good preparation

The only other thing I'd say is - if you are dealing with a boy who has ben properly dx'ed with an attachment disorder, and finding it easy to manage, then I pretty much guaruntee he behaves very differently at home. Children with AD really are very difficult to parent, and sometimes they behave fine at school

Lilka - just to reply to the comment about AD - no he doesn't behave well at school and he has some very extreme behaviours, and actually he behaves better for the foster carer than he does at school because we stick to our rules and she doesn't. What I meant was I am able to deal with these behaviours effectively, partly due to 13 years of experience but also partly due to specific training I have had, so I am fairly confident that I would be able to deal with them in a child of my own if that was the case.

Ah right, I see. Having some experience with challenging behaviour is good. This isn't really relevant at this point, but bear in mind with AD the real problem is that the child can't attach to parents, so the real question you have to ask yourself is whether you can parent a child who is not able to trust or love parents as a normal child can, and may not ever attach to you. But anyway, that's someting you explore in homestudy. I'm surprised the SW reacted as negatively as she did in your meeting. I hope it was more of a 'can you handle this' than her actual feelings.

Are you planning to try any other agencies, are there VA's near you or are you near a border with another LA? Or are you carrying on with this one for now and seeking more information?

MumToTheBoy,

I am sorry you had such a negative experience at the meeting. It's one I can identify with as my DH and I went through a similar experience prior to our adopting our children. However, like others I believe it may also be a deliberate policy to give a worse case scenario on that initial visit. Of course there is no excuse for rudeness and I have no clue why she was insistant on you saving. I do know that it was the policy of our initial LA (and later with another LA when we began fostering also) that the SW you saw for the initial meeting was not the same SW who would go through the assessment process with you.

Maybe the best thing is for both you and your DH to take some time to reflect on whether adoption is the route for you. Once the shock and emotions from the meeting have settled down, you may well find you have the strength and desire to continue with the rest of the process. You were so positive before the meeting, realistically positive, and it is such a shame that this was knocked out of you.

As you know, some of what the SW said is true, especially never really knowing what the child will need and what special needs they may have. We have adopted four times and two of those children (brothers) have quite severe autism. This was not diagnosed at the time of their adoption, and their delay put down to neglect. They are now adults and are unlikely ever to work or live indepently but that, of course, could never be anticipated as toddlers. Another child we adopted aged 3 was later discovered to have learning difficulties and some physical problems - again this was not known. A fourth child has had no additional problems at all. But the way I look at it this could also happen with a child you have given birth to, and you adapt your life accordingly. At the beginning I too was passionate about continuing to work, but once the children arrived and I began to realise their needs were far greater than anticiapted, I handed in my notice immediately and have never regretted that despite the financial implications. My only worrry, is the same as yours in that my child without difficulties may find themselves responable for brothers once we are dead, but again that could also happen with a birth child.

I don't mean to be negative. I have zero regrets and would not change a thing. So much so that we are also now foster parents to two lovely boys. In the opposite of the above one of these boys was believed to have quite serious mental health issues - but this has turned out not to be the case at all. So it works both ways!

Good luck in whatever you decide. However, all I can say is what a tragedy that a SW can deprieve future children in care of such loving adoptive parents as yourselves, because she was so rude and negative on her first visit!

Best wishes to you all and what a lovely son you have!

Well I've had a phone call from the adoption agency. It was the SW who interviewed us. She said she feels we aren't ready yet and then listed the following reasons

• we need to increase our savings
• we need to do more reading and expand our understanding of adoption
• my dh needs to give up smoking
• my dh needs to get experience of children with needs through voluntary work
• our age range was too limiting and we need to be willing to expand it
• I need to be able to give up work indefinitely, linking back to the savings point.

So she said we need to do all of the above and get back to them in 6 months to a year.

If we hadn't already felt poo about it all we certainly would have after that phone call!!

Gosh that is sounding familiar MTTB! DH and I had a similar knock back when we first applied. I still think some LAs like to get you to jump through a few hoops like this to see if you are really serious.

You could easily do the reading and voluntary work while being assessed so I think those are just red herrings . What she is really saying is your DH must give up smoking (I think all LAs would probably say that) and you need to be able to be off work indefinitely.

IME those are the deal breakers for SS

Even if in reality you intend to go back to work after a year or whatever they want you to be flexible and say you will be off as long as necessary. Part of everyone's homestudy is a financial check (to make sure you are not living beyond your means and about to be evicted) so checking that you have the means to allow you to be off work is just flagging up something that would otherwise likely to raised later on. However I don't think your SW has been very sensitive in the way she has approached this. It is all quite intrusive and you were not expecting to be lectured on how you live your lives. She could do with improving her communications skills!

And BTW at our initial SW visit we were asked if our cat was a child substitute
Grrrrrrrr. That still annoys me!

Anyway, we now have 2 DCs and it was worth jumping through all those bl@*dy hoops!

MumToTheBoys - oh what a depressing phone call! But I think we have all had them.

I agree with Snail that about the two deal breakers. I know the two LA's I have adopted and fostered with would not have even interviewed anyone who was a smoker, even if they agreed to only smoke outside. It is a total no no.

As for the giving up work, I wonder if they are just looking for commitment. It's difficult to give that commitment now because you are talking hypothetically. But what it comes down to is would you be prepared to give up work for your future child/children? I'm sure you would not even hesitate for a second if your son needed you for any reason, and so the same needs to apply with any children that are placed with you. Of course the real truth is that once any adoption order was made, you could go back to work if it fitted your family life, with no social worker to interfere in that decision. So even if they set a condition of you not working in stone, it will only be for a short while.

I also agree with Snail that those hoops are sooooo worth jumping though.

Hi MTTB no words of wisdom as I am only just at the very start of the process. Just wanted to say I hope you and your DH will find a way through all this and I'm hoping for the best for you.