just started on the process

[MumToTheBoy]

Hi, this is my first post on this board.

I have polycystic ovaries and have had many years of fertility problems, resulting in 3 miscarriages and one now 6 year old son!

After a few years of discussion and much thought, we have decided to go down the route of adoption. We have been to an adoption information meeting and sent off the application form, and are now waiting for our first interview, which is on April 18th.

I have been reading this board to get some ideas of what is ahead of us, and I've been wondering if we will find out their decision at the interview or if they contact us afterwards?

Hi and welcome :)

The last time I went through the full process was way back in 2002/3, so I don't think my experience is very relevant, but I think you would be contacted afterwards rather than told at the time

Hi MTTB

I am just waiting for panel so quite recent and am happy to share my experience so far. So feel free to ask.

We were told at he first meeting that there didn't seem to be anything that would stop us going forwards (not quite the same as getting the go ahead if you get me, but positive none the less).

If you have a little weight to shift or smoke its a good idea to start tackling those now, as with any other life change you think you need to make for the arrival of a child.

Good luck and Congratulations!

hi, thanks for the replies.

the SW we have spoken to so far have all been really positive, which has made us feel quite excited rather than nervous. we have made it clear that we are not looking to adopt a baby, we want a 4 /5 year old so that there's about a two year age gap, and they basically said that hardly anyone wants 'older' children so they really need people like us.

other than some much needed redecorating that we had already planned to do, there's nothing that I can see at the moment that we need to change but if we get accepted on the assessment process then there may well be something we haven't thought of!

Hi MTTB, our experience was the same as MissF, in that we were given an informal thumbs up then it was confirmed later (social workers seem to gave to get everything cleared up the management chain).

Our situation sounds v similar to yours, we had a birth son who was nearly six when we adopted our daughter. We had thought we would have an older child, in fact she is not quite two. Feel free to message me if you want to chat about the process, handling your son etc.

Good luck

I agree you will probably get an informal thumbs up but it will need to be ratified later.

We had a birth daughter of 4 when our adopted baby girl joined us. They normally like a bit of an age gap.

Best of luck! Adoption was one of the best things I ever did

Thanks again for the quick replies. It's great to hear of other adoptions where there's also a birth child involved.

I don't know if it's different in each county but we have been told that once we get the initial approval we will embark on an 8 month assessment process, which hopefully (if we get a yes) will take us til the end of this year/ beginning of next year. Our son will be 7 next Feb so a 4/5 year old would be perfect as they require at least a 2 year age gap. They were quite specific about the timings, they have new guidelines that mean they must have us at panel by the end of the 8 months, so it seems like quite a structured and fairly quick process!

How does this compare to your experiences? I haven't looked at any other counties or agencies as our county welcomed us immediately with such open arms and made us feel like they really needed/ wanted us!

Go with your gut feeling. You can shop around and approach other agencies, but if you feel welcomed and happy with your LA, then going with them seems sensible. I would want to know what their post adoption provision is like from other adopters, and how much information you get at the matching stage, but it can unfortunately be hard to find adopters to speak to. I think having at least two years age gap is very important.

Approval times can vary wildly! It took me over a year both times, I typically see 1-1.5 years for approval, but it can be shorter or longer. Of course since all the recent hype about the adoption process, I suspect many LA's will be trying to shorten the approval process, I suspect your LA have just put these new guidelines in place as a response to it. Hopefully it will all work as planned, the process can be such a rollercoaster, it's nice having structure in place to minimse the uncertainty

ps. I also adopted my son, but didn't go through a full process the third time, as he was DD2's sibling. That was much quicker on my end, although still very slow on his end with the court processes

At the information evening we were told about all the support services available to us after the adoption has gone through, which sounded quite extensive, and we were also told about days out we (and our son) will be invited/ expected to go on with other prospective families and post adoptive families. I think we will be well supported, we just need to do well in the interview! I've googled what questions we may be asked but don't know how else we can prepare.

Firstly, good luck! It is a long (even 8 months can seem like a lifetime when you are waiting for a child) and emotional journey.

You are right, there is this 8 month rule, but that is simply the time that they have to get the home study assessment done in. There can be, and often are, lots of other places where things can take longer. I would expect that after the information evening you will have to attend some 'preparation days/evenings' and these may be starting soon, or not for a few months. After that you will be allocated at SW who will do your home study. And if the SWs are busy then it may take a few months before you are allocated with a social worker.

Anyway, my message is don't expect it to all be done by Christmas, but just stick with it.

There are lots of helpful people with wide ranging adoption experiences on this forum so come back anytime and ask if you have questions.

The waiting around is the worst part and after approval panel then of course you have to wait for a match which is another wait but don't lose heart, once you are placed with a child the waiting around is like a distant memory!

Of course you can use this time to your advantage, make some really good special memories for your son in this time that you have together before the second child.

www.adoptivemummy.co.uk

We have already been allocated a social worker, that's who we have the interview with next week. They said they have been getting our paperwork together already.

At the information evening they explained that we will have to attend 10 assssment courses, which will be one every other week. Some will be all day but most will be 2/3 hours. They were very supportive of the fact that I work full time as a teacher and said they can offer us after school appointments and can try to block up the days over the summer holidays. It was all very very positive!

I know this will be a long and drawn out process, and I don't like faffing about, so this will be a real test of my patience!! It will be good for me to have to let other people be in charge for a change.

Thanks for all the advice and offers of support. I'm sure I will be coming on here loads if we get the go ahead!!

MumToTheBoy just wanted to say that it sounds really exciting and thanks for sharing your experience with us all.

All best wishes for the process.

May I ask (feel free not to reply if you prefer) how you are preparing your son for the changes/process etc?

My reason for asking is because we have a DD who is 7 and is very interested in us adopting! My husband and I have talked about it a bit and it is good our DD is on board (we've been down a very long IVF route that has not led anywhere, sadly). But now I am excited about the future and hope it will include adoption.

Italian greyhound - my son has been complaining for years about not having a sibling and last summer we were watching despicable me, where the man adopts three sisters, and my ds announced that we should do that! I explained that it's not as easy as it seemed in the film and that it would take a long time. He was adamant we should do it! Although it was something my dh and I had discussed lots since the last miscarriage, it was my dh who was still not 100% certain at that point.

Earlier this year, after our ds had turned 6, we were talking again about adoption and my dh said let's ring and start the process! I was delighted of course and before I knew it we were attending the information evening. I thought my dh would need time to think about it all but the next day he filled out the application form and sent it off. And our interview is on Wednesday.

My ds is aware it will be at least a year before anything happens, and he will need to be interviewed. He has a preference for a brother but has said a sister will do!! He has already said he will share his toys and he's planned who will sleep where. We've tried to make sure he understands that any child we do adopt, if we are successful, will have to have lots of time and attention to help them settle in and he will have to share us as well as his toys.

We are excited and nervous about the interview and have told our ds it's the yes or no interview. He keeps walking around muttering 'say yes' and crossing his fingers! If we do get rejected for some reason he will be very upset and we will have to take time to help him understand why, although I cannot think of a reason they would say no but you never know do you.

MumToTheBoy sending you all best wishes for a 'yes'. Your little boy sounds adorable.

Our DD (now 7) has been asking for a sibling for years and we have just come out of 6 and a half years of fertility treatment! Mad, I know. We ended up trying with donor eggs which involved a year wait each time (twice) and a frozen cycle so after all that I feel (to be honest) just relieved it is all over.

I am in a much 'better place' emotionally to be able to deal with the difficulties. I was very broken by the whole experience but now I feel energised and ready for the adoption process. I will get some fertility based counselling at our clinic (thankfully for free) and this will help me to be able to approach the adoption process in the right frame of mind.

I would love to share any of this journey with you if you are willing to share any of your insights, please.

My DD also seems to want a brother but my hubby and I feel a girl might be easier for us (we are more used to girls, most friends seem to have girls) but I am guessing one needs to be totally open.

Just so you know I am in my 40s, a Christian, I work part-time and I am a very sociable, chatty person so if you fancy chatting ever, please do feel free to PM me, BUT don't feel obligated to.

Thanks
Helen

Hi MTTB, I think managing a small child's expectations (as well as your own emotions) is a really hard part of the process.

For what it's worth, we kept our DS involved in the assessment process, but also kept repeating that it might not happen at all, as there are so many hurdles to jump - and you might decide after further deliberation that adoption is not for you after all. In fact, we didn't tell him we'd been matched until the day after our matching panel, just in case it through for some reason.

Fingers crossed it goes well for you on Wed

Thanks FSG, I'm getting nervous now as well as excited!

We have told our ds that we may get told we can't adopt, I've tried to play it down as much as possible but he's your usual determined 6yr old and keeps on saying things like that's for my brother, if I get one. I've told him on Wednesday we may get a 'no' so he is a bit prepared for bad news.

Can anyone remember/ know what we might be asked on Wednesday? I'm assuming stuff about how we have raised our ds and how we discipline him. Is there anything else I need to be prepared for?

Helen - I will message you, once I've worked out how to do it! I'm not fully awake yet, just up cos I've been dragged downstairs to play :)

Hi, you need to be prepared to explain why you want to adopt; how you gave come to terms with not being able to have another birth child; your experiences growing up; how you would care for a child with a complicated background and possible developmental uncertainties; the attitude / support of family and friends; and the practical implications of having another child (time off work; space in the house etc). I think the first one is a bit of general overview, and then the other sessions go into all ths in more detail.

Sending best wishes to MumToTheBoy.

Hi everyone,

Well today was NOT what we were expecting. We both came away feeling disheartened and a bit stupid really.

The SW we saw was quite blunt and brutal, and kept giving us what seemed like absolute worst case scenarios, eg the adopted child abusing the birth child. She kept asking us which disabilities we would be able to cope with and was very disapproving when we said we didn't want a child with a disability that means they would be totally dependent on our ds once we have died (if that makes sense). She kept on about the disabilities for over half an hour, asking what about ... or ....? We felt really on the spot and flustered. She pretty much insisted that ALL children in care have very severe special needs and that we needed to decide which disabilities we were able to cope with. I know this is not true, from personal experience of friends adopting and from teaching children who are looked after.

She also took issue with us saying we wanted a school aged child and wanted us to agree to a child aged 2 up. When I pointed out we both work full time she said I would have to quit my job, which is the total opposite of what we were told at the information evening. Actually a lot of what she said today was the opposite of what we had already been told.

All in all it was a bit of a crap interview and I cried coming home. My dh was very shocked as she told him he needed more experience, as being a father clearly wasn't enough, and she suggested he do 2/3 hours of voluntary work a week. She also asked how much savings we had, and as we left she said we needed to start saving and not spend our money on things we don't need. We don't feel very optimistic now.

Oh MumToTheBoy that sounds terrible. I have no idea what social workers are normally like so I have no idea why she was this way.

I am sure some more experienced people will be along to give you some more thoughts. I guess I'd just say try not to be too discouraged at this stage, maybe she was trying to ensure that only the really dedicated people get through the system (just my own thoughts!).

Did she way what the next step would be? I kind of feel that if you know in your area this is not the case (the scenarios as difficult as she painted) then at least you can hang onto that fact and just see what the next stage is.

Really sorry that things have been this way today.

Certainly have heard some more positive tales on the adoption threads here.

All the best.

I don't have any experience regarding SW and adoption, but do you think there's a chance she was being deliberately tough in order to find out how serious you are about the process? That meeting may be enough to put some people, perhaps who haven't really thought it through properly, off going forward. Just a thought. Or she might just be a bitch

Shriekable, I think you may have it there... IME in teh early days of peoples adoption journey SWs do quite a bit of this doom and gloom and giving you all the worst case scenarios. It is part of helping you come to understand adoption. But I also believe they do make you jump through lots of hoops and agree to all sorts of things (like voluntary work) to make sure you are serious and will do what it takes as the reality is that there are lots of other couples wanting to adopt young children with straightforward backgrounds and if you drop out someone else will probably step up. However if you were considering a child with significant issues, they are crying out for adopters for those kids which is probably why they asked you in detail what you would consider.

I know that doesn't sound very fair, but adopting a child isn't the same as having a birth child (as you will be very well aware I am sure) and there is a lot to come to terms with.

However, having gone through the process twice, I don't think they really need to be as negative as they sometimes are. And it seems like the lady you meet has taken this to new levels!

Take some time to reflect on things, and don't let her put you off if this is something you and your DH really want to do. It is a long journey with a lot of twists and turns, but so worth it.

Shriekable may be right. I had a really horrible, offensive grilling from a sw at one of the agencies I rang. She was VILE. I was nearly in tears by the end - and this was just the initial phone call!

I think some of them do do a kind of 'can you take it, bitch' approach, and certainly most like to give you worst case scenarios. But even if that is the case, you still need to think about whether you want to risk this woman being your social worker.

Our social worker, to give you a contrast, was very clear about the range of issues that come with adoption, and that it is highly reckless to think you will get a 'perfect' little baby with no risk factors or problems. But she absolutely supported us in defining the extent of known problems we were willing to take on. In her eyes, the worst outcome is adoptive parents who push themselves beyond something they can cope with, leading to a disrupted adoption. Far better to be realistic about what your family is able to take on.

Telling your dh he needs to do voluntary work raised my eyebrows. This is common with potential adopters who don't have childcare experience; not with people who are already parents. (Though I met one woman who had been a nanny for 8 years and was told she needed to get more childcare experience!). I certainly didn't do any extra childcare work.

It is entirely possible that you have just been tested and all will be fine with this agency. Tbh, if it was me in your situation I wouldn't want to risk it - they have shown you just what they might be like to deal with. Have you considered another agency? A neighbouring social services, or a voluntary agency?

Devora is right, you would do well to check out other LAs.

DH and I have been approved by 2 different LAs (for our 2 kids) and the first (Surrey) was very much in the 'tell them how bad it can be and see if they come back' camp. The second was much, much more positive but just as professional and approved & matched us super fast.

Definately ring neighbouring LAs and see what they say. I do not think they need to be this negative. However if you go ahead with this LA, do not be afraid to ask for a different SW. Friends of ours did this once, I think they said that they just didn't feel they could open their hearts up to this person in the way they know they'd have to in order to complete the home study. It was a good move, they got a much nicer SW after that and all went swimmingly for them