Experience of open adoptions?

[Cazzmags]

Hi I'm a foster carer and the child currently placed with us is being considered for open adoption to allow direct contact with birth Mum and siblings. Do any of you have experience and knowledge of this type of adoption and are these adoptions usually successful.

Thanks.

I have an open adoption with DD2 and DS mum. That said, we don't have a contact schedule (like every six months on the dot), and only DD2 has met her mum since being adopted. DS has not yet expressed a wish to see her, although he happily participates in the letter contact. It's very much only when DD asks. If she asks, I arrange it. Only been a few times in the last 8 years. I maintain letterbox, photos, and we exchange cards (christmas, birthday and recently mothers day as well)

It's the right situation for my children, and I am very happy with it. HOWEVER, direct contact can be difficult to manage emotions wise on ALL sides. I don't know of any statistics about it, but I would say that an open adoption like this will ONLY be successful if:

1. First/birth family support the adoption, or are at least very accepting of it (this is crucial)
2. EVERYONE is willing to put the child first, and let the childs input come first
3. People are willing to communicate about what and what is not working, and SS can be responsible mediators

The decision MUST have been made solely because the child needs or will benefit from it. For instance, my DD worries about her mum, and is very loyal to her. She is reassured by seeing her that her mum is healthy and doing well. She also tends to fantasise a lot and the contact dispels the fantasy

It can be hard for everyone. The child, who will have to deal with the emotion surrounding it (that said, there is strong emotion involved in closed adoption as well), the adoptive parent must be strong and be able to handle that, and not influence the child in any direction. There is also a bit of a myth that direct contact is all for the birth family - well, honestly, it's incredibly difficult and emotional for them too! They have to face head on the reality that their child has other parents they love, and it can be hard to interact in the meetings. It's not someting that's easy.

Direct contact can be very benficial in the RIGHT situation. If you don't think it will work in your FS circs, raise the issue. As I said, his mother must be able to support FS role within his adoptive family

sorry FC not FS

I have also met their mum without them there, so we can talk together about them. DD reads the letters I send and the letters we recieve, so when I meet her mum privately, I can talk more honestly about DD (without saying anything DD doesn't want me to, AND her mum could (especially when DD was younger) talk to me about her life and update me without DD knowing all of it while she was too young to handle it

My adopted DD 4 sees her BM twice a year and has recently said she would like to meet her BF. I think it is a great idea in principle because there are no secrets and the child can grow up being able to find answers to any questions about the birth family easily.

However, DDS birth mum was never able to put her needs first and this shows in the contact. Once she didn't show up at all. We have a contact scheduled for the Easter half term and already she has changed the days twice.

When I see her I will be making it very clear that I will stop the contacts if she continues to let DD down. I hope it doesn't come to that as I truly believe if contact can be maintained in a positive way it can only benefit the child.

In my case the BM is very accepting of the adoption and never undermines my position as DDs mother, I think this is crucial if contact is to be a success.

Thank you both for your very comprehensive replies.

We have yet to know how things will turn out for our fc but it helps to know that these arrangements can work. Our fc is 5 and has a good relationship with mum and siblings which we have supported throughout the placement. I agree that in principle that the idea is great but it appears that so much hangs on the ability of the Mum to put the childs needs first for it to be a success. I'm not sure that in this particular case that would happen and that Mum wouldn't attempt to undermine the adoption.

Thank you again, and for what it's worth I think what you have both done is wonderful and demonstrates an amazing generosity of spirit.

Hi Cazzmags - Given that your fc is 5 and the LA want an open adoption (and what frequency are the considering I wonder) makes it quite unlikely they will find adoptors for this child. Sounds like long term fostering might be an option, especially given that you are supporting the contact with mum and siblings. You mention the possibility of mum undermining the adoption, and this can happen with any kind of placement. On going direct contact can only really be successful if the adults can get along together.

NNx

I have no direct experience of adoption, but my dd's best friend has two much younger siblings that have pretty much never lived with their mother and have now been adopted by their long term foster parents (dd's best friend lives with her father now). I don't think that the children have any contact with their mother who has a very chaotic life from what I can gather, but they meet up quite regularly with their grandparents and siblings, and seem to have been embraced as a part of the extended family. They do all totally support the adoption, and this sort of set up seems much more common in Canada where we now live.

That's interesting about Canada Nooka, why do you think open adoptions are so rare in the UK? Is it all to do with the DC being 'removed' here?

Adoptions with letters being exchanged are the most common in the UK I think. It's more rare to have no ongoing contact, and even rarer to be visiting. Obviously, where a child is relinquished, open adoption is much more likely to be successful, because support for the adoption is there on all sides from the start. It's also very common. Also in Cananda and the US I think people usually adopt their foster children, so contact is already well established in those cases, whereas in the UK adoption and fostering have more seperation. I also wonder if it's partly societal attitudes to adoption, I'm not sure we are as open minded generally as a society, as they are across the pond. Which will affect how many people want an open adoption when they sign up. There are some American parents who sign up for either foster adoption or an infant adoption, saying that they want an open adoption so much they will turn down children who need a closed adoption, or turn down expectant mothers who want a closed adoption. I've never seen anything like that in the UK!

sorry typed the 4th sentence wrong - I meant that in Canada and the US it's very commmon to have an open adoption when a child is relinquished

Think Lilka is right about adoption after fostering being more likely to lead to an open adoption. We fostered our dd before adopting her. DD was forcibly removed from her bm. During the time dd was with us as carers we built a relationship with her birth family. Because we knew the family well it made it much easier for us to agree to direct contact after the adoption.

I think it is much easier for foster carers to deal with open adoptions than it would be for potential adopters. Off the top of my head I can think of 6 foster carers who have adoped dc and all have direct contact. Only one has been unsuccessful. I have never met anyone who has agreed to an open adoption without first knowing the family.

We have open adoption with DD5's BP's and sibling and much to our surprise it is brilliant. We have very similar views on life, DD has complex health needs and BM admitted she could not cope (I admired her honesty) It was stated that contact should be 3 x year with supervision. We had 2 visits with SW and decided we would go it alone so we could be ourselves. We now meet up 4-5 times a year and they are planning to stay overnight next time. Just thought I
would let you know it can be successful.

That sounds lovely 2oldtobeamum that is what I originally hoped we could achieve but DDs bm cannot put DDs needs before her own. We do manage the contacts without supervision which is much nicer for everyone.

Well done to you and your family

I'm not sure that the children were relinquished willingly or not - I don't think the BM was offered any choice. However I know I don't have anything like the full story, I was just surprised that dd's friend was able to visit her siblings new family after they had formally adopted. It certainly seemed a very good outcome for dd's friend who is very fond of her siblings and would I think be devastated to lose them from her life, but knows that her mother isn't capable of looking after anyone.