Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

So my mum just gave me a 26 year old document...

32 replies

Kayano · 26/03/2012 14:12

With all the information she had about my biological family. It sounds like a horribly sad story :(

'Kayano is the second child of her mother, the first little girl xxx remains with her mother. She received a great deal of help with her care from her parents but they are growing older and feel they have had their responsibility of the upbringing of their own children and cannot undertake the care of Kayano.

Mother: 25 years, green eyes, brown hair and 5'

Straight away I feel :( as I am 5'2, 26 years old with brown hair and green eyes. Did she look like me??

'She had meningitis as a child and although she attended normal school she was below average ability. Her interests are crosswords, baking, swimming and sewing'

I love baking and swimming too. How strange

The reason for delay in placement was that it was felt Kayanos birth mother was being places under a lot of pressure by her family and needed time to come to her own decision about the baby's adoption.

ive just had a baby of my own and this makes me sad to read

Natural Father: xxx 5'10 brown hair and blue eyes like my newborn! average build. He has had a deprived childhood in that his mother killed herself when he was 11 and he was raised by his father
His interests are motorbikes and motor sports

wtaf I was going to call my child Jenson if it was a boy! I love motor sport

Mother xx and father xx had a difficult relationship as he had not been fully accepted by er family and there have been numerous occasions where they have split up then reunited. He is also the father of xx

so she is my full sister out there sonewhere

I feel a bit stunned and I don't really know what! Ack!!!

Thoughts?

OP posts:
wem · 26/03/2012 14:18

I know very little about adoption but I couldn't read and not post. It sounds so overwhelming to read those details that really chime with your likes and your and your baby's appearance. Would you want to find them or your sister?

Original poster
Kayano · 26/03/2012 14:37

Just out of curiosity really. I really love my adoptive parents and although she would never say it, my mum would be hurt.

I always knew they had given me up (ie not forced by Ss) but now I'm shocked to find my mum may have wanted to keep me.

I also don't know how she would react if I looked for them.

I wish I just had a picture iyswim? It's so hard. Wonder if my sister knows about me or looks like me? I'm an only child here

OP posts:
PostBellumBugsy · 26/03/2012 14:43

Kayano, I'm adopted too and it is tough sometimes to understand all the confused feelings that you have.

Take your time - there is no rush on this.

If you need to talk, consider having some counselling.

I was about 19 when I found details about my adoption & my birth parents & it was such a shock to my system - even though I'd always known I was adopted. There are still bits about my adoption I find hard to reconcile (and I'm 42 now!).

There are some adoption charities (such as norcap) who can help if you want to try and find your biological parents or sibling.

carrotsandcelery · 26/03/2012 14:46

I am bumping this for you.

I know little about adoption but I can see that this would be a lot for you to take in.

Hopefully someone can offer a more experienced response.

Onetwothreeoops · 26/03/2012 14:47

Did your mum say why she chose now to give you this information? Has your curiosity about your birth family increased since having your baby? My first thought is that she is giving you her "blessing" in a way to look for them.

Maryz · 26/03/2012 14:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Kayano · 26/03/2012 15:13

We started chatting about it before my baby was born and she mentioned having this document
She found it in the loft and was going to give it to me but I decided to go into labour instead that day Blush law of sod and all that

Came up again today because we can't see me or DH in the baby (she looks like no one and had blue eyes which was a shock!!!)

And my mum remembered the document and gave it to me.

I think my mum did have learning
Difficulties or SN. It also says she was 'normally placid but gets verbally aggressive if frustrated.

I'm a bit scared and unsure what to do. Maybe she made peace with this. If she did have SN I would hate to bring up painful memories for her if she was pressured....it might be difficult for her... Sad

OP posts:
Maryz · 26/03/2012 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Kayano · 26/03/2012 15:24

I know Sad

I need to step back and reassess in a few months I think. It's when people say ' oh she doesn't look like either of you ' or 'oh she looks like Kayano' im constantly thinking

'who does she look like?' 'who do I look like?'

Eeeee. I will have to have a good think and a chat with DH and my mum.

OP posts:
PostBellumBugsy · 26/03/2012 15:25

I have traced my biological parents Kayano & it is quite a harrowing process.

I would definitely advocate giving yourself some time. Also, have a think about what you want from finding them. I realise that without knowing them, it is hard to think what you might want or expect - but it is worth thinking through some of these things. It is worth thinking through some scenarios too. Imagine the worst & think how you would feel or cope in that situation.

Like Maryz has said, most adoptions come about because of an unhappy situation. Sometimes those situations that lead to adoption resolve and life gets back on an even keel but sometimes it doesn't.

If you do decide to try and find your biological relations, please take advice from Norcap or a similar organisation.

Maryz · 26/03/2012 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OTTMummA · 26/03/2012 15:34

Nothing to add, just wanted to give you a very un-mumsnet hug.

AwkwardMary · 26/03/2012 15:37

Ah Kayano....I feel so much for your predicament...I hope that you can begin to process all this in good time and know that there is no "right" choice...whatever you choose to do with the information is the "right" one. You are Kayano, Mother of a lovely baby and with your own future, past and present....all there...no matter what.

Original poster
Kayano · 26/03/2012 16:07

Thanks everyone

Update (yes already!) my mum just told me that catholic care rang her when I was 18 (just) and my grandmother had requested contact

My mum said no Sad as I was doing A levels and had shown no intrest at the time... She could have told me after my exams I think Sad

She said she was scared because I was so close to my granny. She was going to tell me after granny died. If it had been my mum asking she said I would have been told

That was nearly 10 years ago and I have had all of this info today
reeling

I am going to breathe, chill out and have a cider tonight lol. Can't wait to speak to dh

OP posts:
Bluebell99 · 26/03/2012 16:20

Oh no that is pretty sad :( . Can you call catholic care and see if your grandmother is still alive. Seriously I think your mum was wrong not to give you that message. It may have been your only chance of contact with your birth grandmother. And also given your grandmother had caring role with your birth sister.

tantrumsandballoons · 26/03/2012 16:28

At least you know that your biological family did want contact with you.

My niece found her birth mother when she was 22. During the process she found out that her grandfather had tried to initiate contact when she turned 18 but my SIL did not tell her as she was going through a difficult time. One of her biggest fears was that she would dredge up bad memories for her birth mother. Long story short- they found each other and she has regular contact now.

I know she had counselling before she started her search and there was family counselling after

Are you thinking of talking to someone before you decide?
My niece said it helped a lot to talk to someone impartial before making a decision

Haziedoll · 26/03/2012 16:30

Another thing to consider is that your Grandmother made contact as soon as you turned 18 which would suggest that her part in your adoption was something that had always been on her mind.

bronze · 26/03/2012 16:35

Was it definitely that grandmother or could it have been on the paternal side?

Original poster
Kayano · 26/03/2012 16:50

My mum said it was maternal grandmother and she got the impression that she wanted to ease her conscious.

She was 68 when I was born according to these papers so would be 94 now so... Really think it may now be too late Sad

OP posts:
SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 26/03/2012 16:58

How sad. I hope your story comes to a happy.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 26/03/2012 16:59

Conclusion. I wasn't adopted, but have found out about estranged relatives after their deaths. It's very sad.

hattifattner · 26/03/2012 17:10

Kayano, she may still be alive. Get hold of Catholic Care and try to arrange a meeting if you feel you want to know the full story. You may have a limited time.

Lilka · 26/03/2012 18:12

Kayano, what an emotional day for you. You probably need time to just process this all before doing anything. Have a virtual hug from me, and definitely just try to relax tonight and take it easy

KenHomsDadsWoksDead · 26/03/2012 22:15

Hi Kayano,
I missed that you'd had your baby - huge congratulations, I hope everything is going well (I'm well into the adoption process and have been following all the threads in this forum!).
Having your own child is a HUGE trigger point for adoptees, as you probably know - for the first time in your life you've got someone you're blood-related to, which will stir up all kinds of feelings, and I think the timing of being given this document is awkward, to say the least. It would probably been better to leak this information out in dribs and drabs, so you had no big shocks coming to you. I'm sad that the news about your grandmother wasn't relayed to you either; though do understand your mother keeping it from you. The temptation to keep all of your past from you must have been overwhelming. The way adoption is handled now, with so much openness is so very different.

Anyway, I'm waffling, sorry. I hope you can bring things to a resolution you're happy with, whatever that may be - It would be lovely if you got to build a relationship with your sister at least.

golemmings · 30/03/2012 00:01

Gosh Kayano, that's an awful lot to take on board.

When I turned 18 my mum gave me a similar envelope which contained by birth information. The info relating to my physical birth wasn't of interest until I had children of my own but seeing my birth name written down for the first time was really freaky.

I have often wondered about the circumstances of my adoption and what by natural parents looked lie and whether I have siblings but I've never traced them; to be honest I don't want to be responsible for them. being responsible for my own parents is enough!

I google my natural mother every now and again but I've never found anything.

I can't imagine how I'd feel in your shoes though with that tantalising amount of information. Just wanted to let you know my thoughts are with you however you decide to proceed.