Behaviour problems at school with 5yr old DS

[LovetoAdopt]

Hi,

Really hoping someone can help me turn a corner with this. DS is just 5 and was placed with us at 17 months old. He has always been so good, just a dream really, people commented he was too good to be true! Then early last year we had a 15 month old little girl placed with us and his behaviour dipped slightly, nothing too bad at all, typical 3/4 yr old things really and we totally understood he was ensuring his share of the attention etc and did everything we could to show him just how important he is to us and how loved he is.

Anyway he started school in September and all was going brilliantly, at his first parents evening we were told he was in the top section of his class despite him being one of the youngest in it. This didn't surprise us as he has always been incredibly bright and eager to learn.

Then at the second parents evening around a month ago we were told his behaviour had gone downhill somewhat, nothing major, just getting up from the table he should be working at and wandering off to see what others are doing, not always doing what he is told first time, not listening to instructions re tasks like PE etc, it sounded a lot to me like his attention span wasn't there but at home he will sit for hours doing puzzles in these books you can buy for them. His reading is excellent at home as is his writing, spelling etc. But we were also shown his EYFS scores and they were really low and not at all in keeping with the boy we know.

After I had taken a day or two to digest it I asked the teacher about it and he said that DS was now probably in the bottom part of average of the class and that this was really down to him not focusing on a task etc, he was very clear that we shouldn't be worried though and kept reiterating not to worry. Saying this to me, a born worrier, fell on totally deaf ears and I have become obsessed with DS's behaviour at school and knowing how he is doing.

Teacher doesn't want to get drawn into weekly communication on it "at this stage" which is all well and good but trying to find out from a 5yr old if he has been well behaved at school that day is virtually impossible!

Anyway, today I know for a fact he hasn't been as when I came to collect him from an after school club he was sitting apart from the rest of the group because he "had been tickling" his friend. It then came out that he had also been in trouble with his teacher that day for not "tidying up"

I am sorry this has ended up such a long post but I just really wanted some advice on if you feel that he is being "punished" in the right way considering he is adopted? I hope that makes sense?!?! As he was placed with us so early in his life it's difficult to know with things like this if he should just be treated the same as everyone else or if something else would work better? What is being done now is clearly not doing anything positive and I am so worried he is going to end up being labelled as the naughty kid at school and everything that goes along with that. It is also clearly affecting his work there, yet at home he seems to be doing brilliantly and exceeds what I would expect from him.

I am seriously at my wits end, not least of all cause a lot of what he is doing doesn't really seem that bad for a 5 year old either. I've tried reward charts and this hasn't worked.

Please, please give me some support and the magic answer.

Thanks so much Rhinos. I am going to make an appt to see DS class teacher next week and see how he feels things are progressing and what we can do to get him back on track at school.

Any adoptive parents coming along to give me some advice? Am really hoping someone can guide me re the punishment (Hate that word) fitting the crime.

Another example I was thinking about last night is that if you are misbehaving you have to sit by the teacher in DS class. Now, knowing my son the way I know him I am pretty confident he wouldn't see that as much of a punishment!! So in some ways he is being rewarded for this behaviour. This is why I could really do with some support from someone who has adoption knowledge.

Hi Love

Again I'm not an adopter so completley accept that I can't talk with the specialist knowledge you're looking for. But I have been a primary teacher so will add my ha'porth if it helps.

I understand your suggestion that the punishment needs to fit the crime. Have you got a suggestion of what punishment might be appropriate for that teacher to use with ds? (FWIW is separating a child who is tickling his neighbour not a fairly appropriate punishment?) I'm asking because the teacher is probably using the tried and tested techniques that fit the masses and not be aware there may be reasons not to use these with ds. How would the teacher manage using different techniques for ds than the other children? This would probably not be seen as fair by the children and perhaps highlight negatively ds's 'difference' in being adapoted.

I also agree with you that the school need to communicate with you much more closely about his daily behaviour if the dip is as dramatic as you say. I'm a bit that the teacher doesn't want to give you a quick thumbs up or down at the end of each day to keep on top of ds's behaviour. Could you suggest a sticker book or star chart of some form that goes between home and school to spot the patterns?

My ds had some similar issues in reception. He is now 8 and easily the top of his class (and the class above). Part of his problems oin reception stemmed from the fact that he is just not a child that likes unstructured play with a bit of work thrown in - he likes lots of structure and formal tasks. If he is bored, he loses focus and distracts his friends. As school became more interesting, a lot of his issues resolved themselves.

However, in reception I was worried that the focus became very negative and everyone looked at what ds was not doing well rather than ever focusing on the positive. We agreed to give him targets that he could meet and that were just for him. He a sticker chart and whenever he completed half a day where he met his personal behavioural targets (largely centred around keeping quiet at appropriate times), he got a sticker. This was his private thing that the rest of the class did not know about so if he had a bad day, he was not seen as being "naughty again". If he got more than so many stickers in a week, a marble went into the class marble jar in recognition of ds's good behaviour.

Hi Slambang, agree totally that teacher won't just know, or even be able, to use different forms of punishment. I'm just tanking aloud really that a lot of stuff we are taught on prep groups etc as prospective adopters is that discipline techniques used by the masses are often the total opposite to what an adoptive child needs. So I am trying to differentiate really what is the right type to use based on the age he was placed and his knowledge consciously and subconsciously of what happened in his life before he came to us.

The fact the teacher hasn't seen fit to share this with us is also what's bothered me as it is clearly a significant change.

Thanks Goosey, a lot of what you have said is exactly what I am thinking with DS, I'm just worried that the longer we leave it without our reactions having an impact the more embedded this behaviour will become.

Im an a-parent. To be honest, he sounds too young to be in school. If hes only 4 he has spent half of his life dealing with very stressful and traumatising things, not doing the ordinary work and development of childhood. I think you were poorly advised to send him to full time school so young

However, i dont know where that leaves you as i dont know the education system in your country.

I dont think he sounds like a naughty child who needs punished. He is just strugling to meet the expectations of the school

Im also surpised at the teacher who is unwillimg to commuincate weekly. A child this young needs DAILY feedback and support. Stickers charts are commonplace and might be worth a try, if he responds to them

If you think thete might be bigger issues behind his difficuoties, dont hesitate to ask for him to be assessed, given his background. He is at much higher risk than the average child

I've not got any direct experience of an adopted child of this age (DD is but is much younger). But DS is in Year 1 and had some of the issues you mention eg short attention span. He had a difficult time at the start of the year, prob because that's when DD came along, and we worked alongside the teacher to sort things out. Eg we had a sticker system where he got one at the end of the day if he was good, if he didn't have one I knew to ask him what was going on. We only needed to do that for a couple of weeks.

I don't think you can expect completely different rules to apply just because he is adopted, but whether he is or not, you should expect the teacher to keep up good communication about his behaviour each day.

Oh, two other things: he could be bored and therefore playing up. Or he could need to burn off more energy than school allows. Both of these were factors for my DS. Not quite sorted the first (any ideas, anyone??), but doing lots of running and scootering on the way to school helps with the second.

Kristina, that is the age children start school in the UK. No one advised us, that's just how it is.

Thanks Families, a few people have said about him being bored and school not testing him enough yet, I just don't want to come across like a mother who thinks their child is especially gifted if you know what I mean

Oh, I'm sure both of our sons are geniuses!!

Good luck - and let us know if you find the magic answer...

Loveto adopt-i thought that in england your child was not of compulsory school age until the term after his fifth birthday. As you described yourchild as " just 5" i assumed he was 5 in febrary or march, so he did not have to start school until the term after 1april. Is this incorrect?

Anyway, you have already started him its too late now. But i would like to post this so that other adoptive parenst might consider issues of emotional development etc and take advice on these major life changes ,which can be very difficult for adopted children ( and others who have been traumatised)

Soemtimes we need to question assumptions of " this is just how things are" , get advice, look at the options and do what is best for our child, not just what everyone else does

I hope your family gets the help it needs , that commuincation with the school improves and that your son has a happier time in school

Our son is also the oldest in his class, rhino. Our kids needs all the advantages they can get!

When a child is doing well and seems " settled" , its easy to forget the trerrible trauma they have been through. For a child who is 4 and was placed for adoption at 17 months, they have spent the first two years of that four just coping with all the seperation and loss tbey have been through, rather than getting on with the ordinary business of childhood. Just becaise the scars are nt on the outside doesnt mean they are not there.

And of course this is on top of all the other risk factors, such as pre natal exposure to drugs or alcohol, high cortisol levels, family history of mental health problmes or learning difficulties, addictions etc. Its a wonder so many of our children do so well. But they are survivors

But tbey still often need extra support and understanding at times of stress