Newbie too!

[CHT]

hi, I've only just started using Mumsnet, even though I've been a mum for a while, but I wanted to say "Hi" to folks on the adoption board.

We adopted our DD earlier this year, having had her with us since August. It was all quite a rush: we went to Approval Panel in July, and our SW gave us the details of our DD immediately after and we were at Matching Panel in Aug, meeting her about a week later...! I've been off work since, but am going back at the end of next month.

We also have a (birth) DS who is six. Happily, they adore each other!

Looking forward to being part of the MN community!

Hi CHT and welcome . The adoption board is a very nice place to hang out!

How old is your dd? I have a birth daughter of 6, and an adopted daughter of 2. dd2 came to us at 10 months old, about 18 months ago now.

Your head must be spinning with the speed of your adoption journey. I waited nearly a year between approval and matching, and found it by far the hardest part. You're lucky to have missed that - though I think a pause for breath probably isn't a bad thing!

Hi and welcome CHT :) Glad to have you here

I have 3 children by adoption, youngest is 7 year old DS, then DD2 turns 16 this week (groan...) and DD1 is 26

A very quick matching process, it must have been very hard to get everything together before your DD arrived!!

ps

Sorry all, this whole name-change got too confusing (shows my age)...so I'm back as me now!! (although Insanity was a good choice if I do say so myself especially this week )

Ooh what a relief, Lilka. Insanitygerbils was just too long to type

Hi, should have said - DD turns 2 in May so was 15 months when she came to us.

Luckily we had lots of stuff around still from our DS (well, in my parents' loft) and we went out and hit John Lewis and the Kiddicare website for the rest, so it wasn't too bad to get stuff sorted. The best / worst bit was telling work that I was going off for 10 months with only 4 weeks notice...

It was all a bit of a whirlwind, and we did feel a bit guilty about "leapfrogging" some of our prep group who had been approved for a while already. But we are so glad not to have had the wait for matching that we have heard about from so many people.

I would try not to feel guilty about being matched first. You will all find the right children for you, and sometimes waiting just those few months longer will bring the best match for them. I waited longer than most of my prep group to adopt both DD's, and it all worked out fine, got exactly the right two girls!...you forget the wait to a large extent when your house and all your time has been taken over by a whirlwind of shrieking child

Hi, I've already changed my name to something less obvious... So not CHT anymore!

OP I'm very interested to hear how the process went for you. If you would be willing to share any bits from the process, I'd love to hear. And how your BC has got along with the process?

Thanks (no worries if not).

Hi, happy to share my experiences. PM if there are any bits in particular you're interested in to stop me boring you rigid with a blow by blow account

FamiliesShareGerms not sure how to PM you but just interested to know generally how you made the decision and how quickly it all happened for you. If this is too much information then no worries. I can also be emailed on my name here and add my fake age (39) and at yahoo dot com

Thanks

Italian

Hi Italian.

DH and I had always talked about adoption before we started a family. We agreed that we would not go down the IVF route etc, if nothing happened on its own. DS came along easily enough, though was prem (35 weeks) for no apparent reason. I had a couple of early miscarriages, and we decided not to pursue having another birth child and look into adoption again.

We were told that DS should be about 5 before any agency would consider assessing us as potential adopters, because of the requirement for a two year age gap and the age of many of the children waiting to be adopted. We also needed to have a spare room.

We approached 7 agencies before we found one that was wiling to consider us (both being white and having a child already, we weren't their ideal candidates). Things moved along quite quickly then:

• June: info evening
• July: initial home assessment
• Sept: preparation group and start of assessment process
• July: Approval Panel

We could have moved much more quickly through the assessment process, but we felt that we needed to take our time to make sure that we were making the right decision for our family. Our DS desperately wanted a sibling, but we needed him to understand the reality of adoption (eg other siblings, the circumstances in which children come into the adoption process) and be happy with that.

The really fast bit was that when we came out of Approval Panel we were told about our now DD and we were back for Matching Panel within four weeks and started introductions two days later...

In terms of how we involved our DS, he met our SW a number of times, and she spoke to him about what he wanted and let him ask her any questions, he also did a drawing as part of the paperwork for the Approval Panel of why he wanted a little brother or sister. We were careful about what we told him and when: we kept saying that it might not happen, though we were trying hard to adopt a little brother or sister, and we didn't tell him about our DD until after Matching, just in case there was a hiccup as he would have been heart broken.

Does this help? (Sorry if much more than you were after!)

Thank you so much, very helpful. How have things been since new dd came home? If you don't mind saying.

Don't mind at all!

Honestly? Better than anyone could ever have imagined. We are so lucky in that DD had a very stable foster placement with very experienced carers, and she is a very happy and relaxed little girl. We have had a few little bumpy bits (she hated the bath at first and screamed the place down, which upset DS, and she went through a phase of biting, which upset DS more because he never imagined his little sister could hurt him), but overall I would say they get on better than the average siblings. They share a room (at DS's request) which helps, I think. But, for example, they will stop and hug each other randomly at least two or three times a day, and school pick up is a veritable love fest!

We had prepared DS for having to share us, and he's old enough to understand that (it's DD who gets jealous of us having cuddles, rather than DS). We had an early wobble, where DS wanted to still have time on his own (only children get used tom their own company!) so we make sure that he gets time to himself as well as time with us eg a movie at the weekends. The age gap helps here, as we can put DD to bed then do something with DS.

It's still relatively early days (8 months in) and I'm sure that they are going to fall out big time at some point, but I can genuinely say that they couldn't love each other and get on any better if they had been biological siblings who had lived together their whole lives.

Wow, that is amazing.

Have the rest of your wider circle of family and friends been supportive. Don't say if you don't want to.

Thanks

Helen

Friends have been 100% supportive. Family a mixed bag: the majority are completely supportive now that we have DD (they were worried about the impact on DS, but they can see how happy he is and how lovely she is). One close family member is still being odd about it, but I'm trying hard to chalk that up as their problem not ours.

May I ask - how supportive were the adoption agency and can I ask if you went through local social services or charity adoption agency?

Did you and your DP/DH need to be involved in outside activities with kids before adoption?

We looked into adoption a few years ago and they were happy with me because I was part of a lot of activities (Mum and toddler group, NCT etc) but they said my DH would need to get some experience with children outside our own family (our daughter, nephews). I did ask about our churches crèche group but they seemed to want it to be another group, where they felt there would be more variety of types of kids.

We were told our DD was then too young for us to be in the process so we we had to step back. We are again looking into this with a view to pursuing it and I guess I want to talk to the adoption services and get some info because if we will need to chalk up some sort of experience then it would be good to get on with that. But it is harder because DH works full time and most kids clubs etc are afternoon, early evening.

Please only say what you are happy to say....

Hi, we went through a local authority, who were mostly great.

They didn't expect us to be heavily involved in children's activities, no. We have a pretty large extended family with lots of children, but they're a fairly homogenous group! DH has been involved in sports coaching for teenagers for some time, but beyond that I wouldn't say that we had extensive experience of lots of different children.

FamiliesShareGerms thanks so much. Can I ask what the most helpful 'thing' was in the whole process of adoption, please?

FamiliesShareGerms in case you wonder why I am asking all these questions ...my reason for asking is because we have a DD who is 7 and we are very interested in adopting. Our DD is very keen at this stage too! My husband and I have talked about it a bit. It is good our DD is on board. We've been down a very long IVF route that has not led anywhere, sadly. Now I am excited about the future and hope it will include adoption.

FamiliesShareGerms Can I ask, did you get asked if you had a preference for a boy or gil? My DD also seems to want a brother but my hubby and I feel a girl might be easier for us (we are more used to girls, most friends seem to have girls) but I am guessing one needs to be totally open.

I am very keen to find out more but don't feel you need to reply. Just so you know I am in my 40s, a Christian, I work part-time and I am a very sociable, chatty person so if you fancy chatting ever, please do feel free to PM me, BUT don't feel obligated to.

Thanks

Helen

Italien -I know I wasn't participating before but on the sex selection issue - you don't have to be open to both genders, although they would probably want a good reason for not wanting a boy/girl. I was only approved for a girl both my first and second time. First time I felt more equipped to parent a girl, second time DD1 wasn't quite ready for an (older) younger brother yet. Then DS came along and I did everything to bring him home with us, as difficult as it has been at times with the girls. There are valid reasons for only wanting one gender. Some people are adopting their final child and want gender balance. Others think if their current and new child are a different sex there'll be less stress (or vice versa), and so on.

However personally looking at what you wrote, it seems that being approved for both might be better for you. You have a slight girl preference, but it doesn't seem like a major preference? There's no obligation to seriously look at boys profiles if you are approved for both, but you have the option of both. You can indicate a slight preference and be approved for both. You never know, you may see a boys profile and just feel 'this is right for us'.

Hi Italian - more than happy to answer Qs!!

On the boy or girl issue, DH didn't mind, DS started off wanting a brother then wanted a sister, and I had a slight preference for a girl. I think overall there are more boys waiting to be adopted than girls, so agencies do like potential adopters prepared to consider boys.

I agree with Lilka that it's probably best to be approved for either so that your options are wider. There's no harm in stating a preference as long as you can justify it, I think (mine was that I had a boy already!).

Thanks lilka and FamiliesShareGerms for your thoughts.

I wonder why there are more boys in the system than girls.I know in some countries (for inter-country adoption there might be cultural reasons for more boys or more girls but I wonder why it is this way in the UK.

I think I would want to be open to both genders. I don't want to assume things about boys and girls, such as boys like football, girls like ballet etc! My dd likes neither! But I guess I felt in the long run my DD would find it easier to have more in common with a girl. Maybe having that difference between them would make it easier. Not sure. Thanks for your thoughts. I am new to all this so there is so much to learn!