Newbie

[funnychic]

Hi all, I am new to this site this is my first day so wanted to say hi. I am just about to start the homestudy which although I am nervous about I think the effort will be worth the rewards. I am hoping you nice people might tell me about your success stories. All I have read on other sites some horrific stories of the problems these children come with. I'm not niaive I realise adopted children face a lot of issues attachment and otherwise but it would be lovely to hear some positive post about children that have little or no issues. :)

We have 2 gorgeous adopted dcs, very (and I mean very) full of life and character. They are boisterous and hard work but worth every second of it.

I know lots of adopters in rl and dont' know any personally who have had difficulties that they couldnt get past somehow.

There are children with terrible pasts and therefore, extreme difficulties but if you are honest about what you think you could cope with, then hopefully you will be matched with a child who is right for you.

I am very excited for you

I meant to say, all adopted children, even those given up at birth, will have issues. At the very least, a huge sense of loss.

My dc's were also exposed to neglect and alcohol/drug use while in the womb (which most adopted children have, even if its not officially recorded) this means that they may have issues in the future and there are uncertainties which I need to accept.

There are also likely to be issues around insecurity, identity etc.

You do need to be realistic but there are happy endings

Hi funnychic, and welcome. I have a 2yo adopted daughter who is beautiful and bright and loving and funny. She was exposed to drugs and alcohol in utero, and I think I will spend the next 15 years with my heart in my mouth, waiting to see if that has had any lasting impact. I also feel sad, already, about the questioning and confusion and losses she will have to go through.

But I love her to bits and feel so blessed to have her in my life. Some of the adopters you will meet here have older children and have, indeed, had some very difficult times with them. But none of them regret adopting their children

Best of luck with home study and I look forward to hearing how you get on.

Thanks so much all, Its lovely to hear your stories, I know things might get tough down the line but all you can do is pray for the best outcomes.
I will keep you a posted as I continue and probably ask for help!! lol

Hi Funnychic. We've not adopted yet but are further down the line than you, at the matching stage. I think you have to be very honest when filling in the matching form about what you will and will not accept, harsh as it feels at the time. Depending on how your agency does stuff, you may still be given profiles of children who have issues that you have said no to on your form. If that is the case, and you really don't think you could cope with them, remain strong. Your social worker should be a great help when you are reading children's reports to guide you with what the potential issues could be and whether they think it is something you could take on. We've seen a fair few reports now and are starting to get a feel for what we think we could cope with ourselves, so we feel a match is getting nearer! There are some gorgeous children out their waiting for their forever families and one of them is going to be yours. How exciting is that! Oh and by the way, I do have friends who have adopted and, although they've had tough times, they don't for one minute regret it. You could have tough times if the children were your birth children anyway.

Hi funnychic and welcome. Hope your home study goes well.

hi funnychic we have a 4yr adopted ds who came to us at 6 months old.He is the light of our lives and all the jumping through hoops is so worth it.Well it must be as we have just been accepted again.Let us know how things are progressing with you-very exciting.

Welcome to MN adoption board, we are a friendly lot, who are like tiger mothers if anything bad is said about our children.
Keep posting and we will try and help in any way.
I have 3 adopted girls aged 13, 11 and 4 all with issues around their adoption, but nothing we can't cope with.
Good luck with your exciting journey.

hi,

i'm also new to this - i keep hearing the phrases "tough times/ challenging behaviours"

can anyone give some practical examples of what these mean?

i've read quite a bit about specific behaviours that are caused by specific physical/sexual abuse and also severe neglect, but not so much on how general 'sense of loss' manifests itself, and how you have to parent differently as a result...

FSB.... It may be worth picking up a couple of books to read.
Parenting the child that hurts.... Is a good one... Not sure of the author.

Its by caroline archer, who is an a-parent

Becoming Attached by Robert Karen

Facilitating Development Attachment by Daniel Hughes

A Child's Journey Through Placement by Vera Fahlberg

Parentimg with love and logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay

Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck and regina kupecky

Broadly, neglect and abuse cause attachment problems in the child. Thsi manifests in very severe emotional and behavioural problems. These cannt be managed with normal parenting techniques as the basic assumptions on which thes techniques rest are not relevant.they require q whole different way of parenting.

General sense of loss - I would say my DS fits this, he doesn't have any significant issues, like my girls do but he does have insecurities that other kids his age don't have. For him - he tends to be clingy and fears seperation, he tends not to deliberatly disobey rules as he's worried about being rejected. Very unlike my other two, who do/did have very significant issues.

I would say as general adoptive parenting advice - steer away from discipline that implies a form of rejection or being sent away e.g. being sent to the naughty step. Sometimes it works, but I've seen it fail many more times than I've seen it work. With DS when he gets extremely hyper and unregulated, he has 'time in' with me where we both sit quietly together, or he sticks close to me while I do some mundane chores which won't excite him. I have to reassure him a lot that I love him, will always be there etc. Younger children often can't put their big feelings into words, which is when you can get anger, tantrums etc. I know DS has had problems at home and school when he feels upset and doesn't understand why or can't express it, he just stops interacting very much and withdraws.

On the surface he's very similar to other chiildren his age - you could look at his behaviour and wouldn't immediately know that something was 'different'. The difference is that he acts this way for a different reason than other children might withdraw or be clingy, and his fear of seperation is very very real because it's really happened to him.

Loss can be amplified at cetain times, and not be significant at others. IME kids seem to become much more aware of their beginnings at around 7-9, and I've seen quite a few adoptees of this age go through periods of feeling very sad about it all. I don't think that's preventable, it's just them developing their understanding of their story which includes the realisation that they have lost out in their life. It will probably pass, but you can't hurry that, just generally be nurturing and patient, and be able to explain their story to them carefully. If you've never had any issues before, it can be a more challenging time for parents

'Challenging times' - well, my challenging times have been very bad. Luckily DD1 is a generally very happy adult now with a few issues, but we have had some very horrible times. Not a general loss thing though, very specific to her past

I work in NHS LD CAMHS and I have a number of families that I work with who have HUGE mountains to climb as a result of the massive emotional baggage that their adoptive children carry with them

BUT BUT BUT!!!!

I am also the adoptive mother (no sorry - I am the 'mother') of two fabulous, gorgeous (in the case of my son drop dead gorgeous with his looks), challenging, funny, delightful children who I cannot imagine loving more. They are the most resilient, fiesty, positive kids - we have gone through quite a lot of heartache subsequent to their adoption and they are still here, with me, standing and fighting.

So - take your pick!

My heart goes out to the families I work with (they don't know about my personal connection to their story but I hope it helps me work with them with empathy) and I know I am lucky but I also know that my kids and I are living proof that it can work.

They were 3 and 6 when they came to me and were labelled 'hard to place' - huge incentives and (to some extent) emotional blackmail to take them. They have some lmild evel of learning difficulty but nothing we can't get over. My daughter is a fighter and won't be discouraged. My son finds it more difficult in some ways but he is a charming sociable young man who will be OK (when he decides what motivates him! But I think a lot of teenage boys are like that.....) But I can honestly say although that they have been challenging and some of those challenges have been associated with their past and how they came to me, mostly its been just the usual stuff! Some of the best support I have had is from friends who have oodles of kids who, when I have been be-moaning my fate have reminded me that what I am experiencing could be quite normal!

It was truly the best thing I ever did.

And the Caroline Archer books are great - I use them at work!

'The way I look at it, any child I gave birth to could have SN and emotional problems and I would cope. Adding adoption into the mix as a risk factor was one I was willing to take and have never regretted.'

Absolutely agree Maryz

I also agree about being firm - 'matching is very important. I remember that desperation to have a child, any child, but don't let the fact that you want to seem flexible force you into accepting things that you don't think you could cope with'

Even as a 'professional' who had been involved in child protection processes prior to adopting, I found the meetings very intimidating and, when - after I had met the kids and had really started to hope - the goal posts started to change, I was really vulnerable to just giving in. Luckily I had a fabulous social worker (Barnardos) and she fought for us all. Can't fault Barnardos - did the whole thing through them. The home study was painless, the training was very good (VERY good when I compare it to the rubbish some of the families I work with have had) and our lovely social worker found my children. I left it entirely to her and she was was totally clear what would work and what wouldn't and, by God, she was right! The after adoption support has also been good not that I have needed it for some years.

Barnardos ad over!

Hi we have 2 beautiful children (full siblings) who came to us when they were 2.5 and 1.5 years and we have now been a family for nearly 8 years. The early years were 'challenging' as we adapted to being an instant family especially as DD (the elder) had very challenging behaviour which everyone put down to attachment issues. We did know that she had a head NAI and whilst it was not ultimately the principal reason she went into foster care it was a contributing factor, however this was glossed over by SS. Sadly it would seem that the NAI is having a lasting impact on her and it looks like she may have an enduring head injury. However we do not regret in anyway becoming parents to 2 beautiful, funny and loving children. The only thing we wished we had done differently was questioning the medical history a little bit more and not taking the facts from SS at face value. Whilst we would not have changed our decision we may have been a little more prepared for the journey we have been on and would have perhaps pushed a little earlier on to get her the help she needs (mother's guilt ) Interestingly her younger brother who was removed at birth into foster care is very securely attached, is very grounded with seemingly few after effects of his adoption .... so far

Good luck on your home study - it really is worth it

There is some really great advice on here.Totally agree with being honest about what child you feel would fit into your family.If you feel you cant cope with one child dont be afraid to speak up as we did when given the info.The second child we were given info on was the one we adopted.Our gorgeous ds who 4 now.

Hi Funnychic

I am new too! (only my 2nd post). We have just been matched with a beautiful little girl, and she is about to be placed. I would only reiterate what everyone else has said. Be absolutely honest with the agency, especially when it comes to deciding what you can and cannot deal with. We are adopting as a couple, and always had the rule, that if one of us couldn't deal with an issue e.g. a child who had been sexually abused, then we would say no. We did the matching considerations separately, then came together to discuss. We always knew that if we were given details of any child, our heartstrings would be pulled, but our honesty with our SW, meant that she was able to say no to a lot of children who she knew were not the best match, without us having to read their files. Never feel guilty about saying no!

Homestudy can be intrusive, although we saw it as free therapy, and got a lot out of it ourselves. The hardest bits for us were waiting once we had been approved, and everyone asking (every 5 minutes it seemed) when we were getting our child.

Good luck on your journey!

Hi princess wow exciting time for you. I will never ever forget the first time we met our ds and i burst into tears with the emotion of it all.It was the most amazing feeling after everything me and dh had been through to get to that point.
That week when we got to know our new ds was brilliant before we took him home permantly.His foster mum was so lovely and put us at ease.We still
keep in touch now.
Best wishes to you

Hi, I'm new here too!

We adopted our DD earlier this year, having had her with us since August. She isn't yet 2, so it's too soon to know what issues might come up in the future, but I can honestly say that so far she hasn't displayed anything other than normal toddler behaviour along the same lines as our DS (birth child, now aged 6). Yes, be realistic that many children placed for adoption have had a really tough start in life, which is bound to manifest itself in some way, but don't assume that everything is going to be challenging beyond the normal issues of being a parent.

Good luck!

Hi all
I too am new to the site today :)
Myself and DH are about half way through the adoption process. We have just started group study.
We don't have any children and have gone through IVF. Now at the grand old age of 41 we have decided to go for adoption ;)

It's been a turbulent week, and a little upsetting and I have had quite a few tears. I think the enormity of it all has finally hit me, especially when we are looking at cases and development/ attachment issues.
I now know we need to be very clear on what we can and cannot cope with when it comes to choosing a child.
But I am clear I still want to go ahead :) ( well I have good and bad days, and partly terrified if I was to be honest)!!
But comments on here have been heart warming and interesting.
Looking forward to reading all your thoughts and comments.
BW Bubs.

funnychic just wanted to say hi and wish you well on your journey. Hope you will let us know how things are going (if you want to).

We are right at the start, not even made the call yet to Social services but have thought about it over the years while having unsuccessful fertility treatment. We have a DD aged 7 and I feel really excited to be finally ready to start the process.

All the very best for you, funnychic.

PrincessCP that's really helpful where you said you did the matching considerations separately, I had not thought of that.