I would love to adopt, DH doesn't

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We both in our 30's and I really would like to adopt.
There are so many children out there that need a loving home and we could provide that.
DH really wants us to have a baby but I really think this is the best thing for us.
Is it because I have always taken in waif and strays? ...that is what he says. I have 4 horses (all rescused), 4 cats (down the stables all rescused), 2 goats (rescused) and 1 dog (rescused).
I see that we have a lovely home and loads of love to give to a child. Is it so bad to want to give that to a child already born?

Its not a bad thing to want to do, but it is totally unrealistic unless you are BOTH 100% committed to it.

Just qualifying for adoption is an incredibly difficult process. They really put you through the wringer. After that, there is the massive challenge of building a new family with a child/ sibling group that will probably gone through some very tough times indeed.

I just dont see it happening for you unless your DH has a complete change of heart.

Sorry to rain on your parade (and I have no direct experience myself) but the last thing a child, likely to have special needs, needs is to be rescued, or for their parents to consider they have rescued him/her.

The reality is SW will be unlikely to recommend you as an adopter unless you have been (painfully) aware of this, and come to terms with your lack of birth child. If approved there are VERY few babies ever adopted, but plenty of older children.

How about having your own children, but maybe planning to foster later on if your 'need to rescue' is still strong?

Its not my need to 'rescue'. I just feel we have a lovely home, a lovely life style etc that we could provide a child loads of love and security.

DH and I have a solid relationship, and we have only spoken about it a couple of times.

How has other men been with adoting? Have they been a bit stand offish to begin with?

For what it's with my dh felt the same initially. He did have a complete change of heart but he got there on his own ifkwim.
We're still in the early stages of the process but he's fully committed to it and as eager as I am

There was no point in me trying to sway him as it wouldn't of worked and even if it had it'd of taken the social worker approx ten seconds to work out his reluctance.

So I agree with the others, and would let it go for now at least.

Your DH has to be completely on board with adoption. Sometimes people go through 'cold feet' patches during the process (that's relatively common and usually resolved) but it's imperative that you both partners start the process with the same desire to adopt.

Usually people have brith children first then adopt. I tried the other way around (didn't succeed in becoming pregant), but I would seriously recommend not to go the same route. If you know you want both, then birth children first.

The other thing is, how strong is your desire to have a child? Realistically, to make it through the adoption process and through parenting an adopted child, you really need to have gone through the process knowing that having children was the most important thing in your life. You shouldn't be thinking "I'd love a child, but I wouldn't be bereft if we never did either. I could be happy either way" because whilst you may have a lovely lifestyle now, adopting will dramatically and permanently change it. People (including me) seriously underestimate how much their whole life will change. And the fact is, many adopted children do have a lot of emotional issues. That may involve going through times which test your marriage to it's limits (that's why it's vital you both have the same desire to adopt. So one partner can't say 'I can't live like this any more, and it's your fault because you talked me into it'). I can honestly say i've been to hell and back with my oldest two, but even in the worst times I felt that I couldn't live without them (even though I couldn't really live with them either!) because my life wasn't a good one without children in it

If your DH wants a baby badly, then you shouldn't adopt, because it could lead to serious problem later. SS will test your commitment to adoption from the get go, and they wouldn't recommend a couple where one partner was much less willing than the other

You might revisit adoption later if your DH one day changes his mind. But adoption is not for everyone, and the desire for a biological baby can be very strong. If it's not for him, then adoption is not right for you either

I would say that its nigh on impossible to adopt with one partner lukewarm about the prospect. You wouldn't actually get through the home study. I can;t discuss whether men change their minds about these things and I suspect its not about men/women but individuals - you know your DH. Is he the kind to change his mind? I adopted because I couldn't have a baby biologically and by the time I got as far as adoption I was desperate for a child. Truly desperate. I would have crawled over hot coals the get one. Which was licky because some parts of adoption are a bit like crawling over hot coals.

A loving home isn't enough, even the least damaged of children who were adopted (and I count my DS in that) come with extra needs that few other people understand and some of them cannot be resolved by a loving home. They are just a fact of life.

I have "adopted" cats and I have adopted DS. It wasn't at all similar.

And children don't need a loving home, they need parents who want them, desperately, because that way you are prepared to do anything to have to to get and keep your child. You don't sound like its a driving force for you (only my perspective) more like it a nice idea and makes more sense than having a child biologically. But as Lilka says the need to produce biological offspring is powerful and I don't think its entirely fair on your DH to dismiss his feelings and expect him to go along with your instead.

Why not consider what Lilka suggests, talk to him about the idea of having a baby and adopting at a later stage.

I did type a huge post yesterday and then lost it and didn't have the will to re-type. But, i was going to say pretty much the same as the others.

We had a really long delay leading up to the assessment starting and in that time DH went from being 100% commited to lukewarm. I am ashamed to say that i manipulated him into starting it because i truly though he was having a 'cold feet' period. I was right. But i wouldn't have pushed him if i really didn't think he was absolutely against it.

We were prepared as much as we could have been for adopting a child (had done all the reading etc) but i don't think you can truly understand how hard it can be until you are there experiencing it. Our DS on paper was 'easy' as there were no drugs and alcohol (that we knew of!!), taken at birth so no neglect/abuse etc but he has been anything but. He was extremely traumatised by his move to us and the loss of his foster carers and his behaviour was EXTREME. At a time that we had no particular feelings for him and felt like we were just baby sitters. Had we not have been 100% commited the adoption would have broken down (like many do. i think the stats say 1 in 5).

We are not out of the woods yet and the sad reality is that we will probably never be as there are a million and one issues that are likelt arise, but what helps for us is that we love him more than life, and will fight tooth and nail for him. We are doing a 4 day course at the moment to better undertand his feelings and resulting behaviour, and help us with tips and strategies to cope with them.

Thankyou all for your words of advice.

It has given me a reality check and my DH and I have spoken at length over the weekend. I showed him the post :)
We have parked the idea of adoption until we both feel if ever that we are 110% committed.

I ' m sure that was hard for you both. But i think you have done the right thing. Being honest with each other and working out your differences can only strengthen your relationship and will make you a stronger couple and better parenst, you decide to build a family

Good luck

I would definitely say that you both need to want it. The process to adopt is long and hard and then you have the challenge of parenting your adoptive child. It can be a real struggle at times (as well as blooming lovely) so you really do both need to be on board

If you're adopting a child that may well have emotional issues, you might find that rather than being an addition, they are a 24/7 job.
My older son has Autism for example, and any life I had before would have had to be kissed goodbye. Luckily I was willing to devote myself completely. Apparently 80% of marriaghes nbreak down when you have a child with his condition. Their sleep is scarce, it completely becomes your life, being a carer, and has to come first before anything.
For example, my son is 5 and the local authority do not have the facilities at this moment to have him in school, he's home 24/7.
If you had a partner that didn't want it as much as you, then it's entirely likely that they would have issues with the new life the child brings.

at least if you were fostering the local authority would share some responsibility, and you could still do the hero role.

Just say I completely agree that you shouldn't contemplate adoption unless you're both 100% committed.

Having said that...

My DH and I always agreed that if we were unable to have children naturally we would rather adopt than go down the IVF etc route, including for many of the same reasons you articulated in your OP. We had our DS six years ago naturally, but he was prem and they couldn't ever tell us why. I had a couple of miscarriages and we decided to stop trying to conceive ourselves. We subsequently went on to adopt our DD, who is 2 in a couple of months and has been with us since August.

So don't feel that you have to make a choice between having birth children and adopting.