adoptive neice is a monster

[picklesandcheese]

Im i wrong to want to send my neice back she driving us mad. My SIL (hubbys sister ) adopted ten yrs ago and it's hell every time we get together or even if she visit's she is abusive and agressive. She is overweight and i don't agree with the strict diet she's on. My two kiddies one with aspies always bear the brunt of her agression. My SIL just sit's back and drink's and her dad walk's off. We had no idea of the adoption till the day before a private family doo and in she came swearing and shoving and eating non stop. My eldest also 3yr old was so confused and im angry at this. We still don't support the adoption even though we love her as a family member. Reason for this both parent's love their free time work long hour's and have no skills in dealing with a unstable emotional 9yr old. My SIL as been arrested for drink drive last year and her marrige nearly collapsed. She is heavy drinker on antidepressant's and i feel the demand of the neice is core issue

Advice welcomed

Oh no not that thread ...

OMG! How did I ever miss that?

Oh, THAT thread. OP, I think on that thread I suggested you sleep it off and come back on the adopters board. I didn't mean come back angry and combative, as you were on the previous thread. If you want advice on how to support your SIL and DN, do ask. But if you want advice on how to get rid of a child, please don't bother.

Yes its definetly that thread.
pickles your DN comes from a very abusive background.
Children who have experienced such atrocities need lots of enrichment . Not discipline .
These children are not monsters . Their behaviour conveys their distress and their experiences. Their behaviour is a symptom of their abuse .
I have cared for such children . The progress can be amazing .
There is an opportunity here and time enough ,for your DN to start a healing process ,so that she reaches adult maturity with a stable personality .
Sadly im not sure if you want help.
If you did you would have taken the advice of posting in Adoptions .

As an aunt to an adoptive child there is not a single bit of your post I don't find offensive.

YABU in so many ways I can't even begin (nor can I be bothered given your tone) to list hem all.

Is sending you and/or your sister back an option though, that might help?

HTH

she adopted 10 years ago but the child is 9? .

I am sure this has already been covered. But I can't be bothered to read it all.

Pavlov they adopted a 3 year old, ten years ago. That child is now 10. Apparently.

OK, trying to be a bit constructive here.....
Your sister in law and her husband need to step up to the mark here and start finding ways as a family to manage this poor childs emotional needs and behaviour. They need to contact 'after adoption' services via their local social services fostering and adoption team and ask for support. I would also suggest that they speak to their GP and ask whether a referral to CAMHS would be helpful.
This young girl is struggling because of her background but also it sounds like she is not receiving effective parenting at all. If they do not do something I should think there is a chance that it will end up in adoption breakdown.
Instead of focussing your attention on this girls behaviour you should try to empathise with her emotional needs (while also not letting her harm your DCs of course) and giving your sister and her husband a kick up the backside to take some positive action.

but adopting a 3 year old 10 years ago will make the child 13? no? am I just really bad at maths?

Above I expressed an opinion that the original post was "vile".
I did, however, use the abbreviation OP. I see from the official list of accronyms that this can mean original post/poster.
I did not mean the original poster was "vile" as that would be a personal insult and apologise if that caused offence.
I stand by my opinion of the sentiments expressed in the original post however.

Because I am procrastinating on my work, I thought I'd have a go at rewriting this post in a way that, um, might get you better results.

"Please give me some advice, as I am having a difficult time relating to my niece. She may have some emotional and/or behavioural issues, as she was adopted when she was a toddler, and the family seems to have been less than welcoming or supportive. (To be honest, I can't quite keep track, but I guess she must be about 10 years old now.) My SIL and BIL do not seem to have the resources to cope with my niece's aggressive behaviour. I am concerned about the effect of her aggressive behaviour on my own children. As well, I have some concerns about my niece's health, as she is overweight. What can I do to make the situation better?"

On the other hand, that's probably not really what you wanted to say...

Why was my post deleted? I am certain I only said that thread made me snort with giggles. My earlier comment on here was ruder. Or had I drunk more than I thought last night???

Mine was fairly innocuous too, the cenorship is pretty tight today.

I'm trying again on this thread because I feel quite strongly about it and the poor child caught up in this.

"Then both her and her hubby said when they were going through the process they rejected three children before her. I said why the answer was we can't cope with a child that as medical problems i to this day im digusted by this so before im judged i wasn't the one adopting a child based on health."

This sentence alone tells me very clearly that you have no idea what you are talking about when it comes to adopting children and therefore I really think that other than providing your sister with support to address her drinking and encouraging her to ask for help for the adoption team at her local authority, I think you should steer well clear of getting involved.

Anyone who is "disgusted" by adoptive parents turning down a match on the basis that they cannot cope with the problems a child is already presenting with is so far from understanding the issues that any "help" you provide is unlikely to be well-informed, however well intentioned.

Your sister needs to be encouraged to address her drinking and jointly they may need help with the parenting their child needs.

My initial view based on what you've said so far is that you are the last person they need to get involved.

If your sisters family are causing your children significant problems (like violence) then you need to stay away for the time being or see your sister without the children there.

wow, this thread is a bit worrying. How awful for this child :O

I dont get how the child is 9 when she was adopted 10 years ago aged 3 either?

Poor thing.

Presumably if your children get difficult in a few years you're going to look into "sending them back", yes?

seems unusual to get an aspergers diagnosis at 3 year old, no?

I dont know - I do know that my nephew was recently diagnosed with Autism but the type cannot be confirmed or diagnosed until he turns 5.