adoptive neice is a monster

[picklesandcheese]

Im i wrong to want to send my neice back she driving us mad. My SIL (hubbys sister ) adopted ten yrs ago and it's hell every time we get together or even if she visit's she is abusive and agressive. She is overweight and i don't agree with the strict diet she's on. My two kiddies one with aspies always bear the brunt of her agression. My SIL just sit's back and drink's and her dad walk's off. We had no idea of the adoption till the day before a private family doo and in she came swearing and shoving and eating non stop. My eldest also 3yr old was so confused and im angry at this. We still don't support the adoption even though we love her as a family member. Reason for this both parent's love their free time work long hour's and have no skills in dealing with a unstable emotional 9yr old. My SIL as been arrested for drink drive last year and her marrige nearly collapsed. She is heavy drinker on antidepressant's and i feel the demand of the neice is core issue

Advice welcomed

Dooing - yes my bad puppies are for life and all that!!

What do you mean, she's cruel to your kid with aspies? What are they? does she hit him/her with them?

An aunt is a cross between a mother and a sister IMHO .
It takes a village to raise a child - you have a responsibility to care , be compassionate and non judgmental with your niece .
What are you teaching your own DC if you dismiss her ?
Try and find some common ground with your DN , how ever tiny , to try and build a rapport with her .

IM sorry she is ten now and was three when adopted and we are happy she is part of the family but im sorry her behaviour need's attention. To those who feel i don't want her that's wrong i feel my SIL is not able to cope with her outburst and she has said this and when she is shown firm boundries she is a lovely child but need's a clear rules. When my hubby asked his sister how are coping she admitted i struggle with her behaviour but i can cope. Then both her and her hubby said when they were going through the process they rejected three children before her. I said why the answer was we can't cope with a child that as medical problems i to this day im digusted by this so before im judged i wasn't the one adopting a child based on health.

So just to pick on another part of your (random) post.

Your DN is overweight, and you don't agree with the strict diet she's on? What do you suggest then?

How old is DN?

How odd. Did they forget a few birthdays? I'd be pretty pissed off too if my parents forgot three of my birthdays and kept telling people I was 10, when I was in fact 13.

"To those who feel i don't want her that's wrong"

Errrr

Your op asks "Im i wrong to want to send my neice back she driving us mad"

Have they spoken to SS for help? Have they spoken to the school to help access any services?

What are aspies? Is it abuse or just playing?

Yes, I am an adoptive mother and yes, I do know how challenging traumatised children can be (though I do object to the sweeping stereotype in your post: my adopted dd is charming and wonderful, thank you very much).

Your SIL may not have been the right person to adopt this girl: perhaps she doesn't have the considerable resources needed to parent a child with such extreme problems. Or she may have simply been worn down by years of trying to cope with inadequate support. You say she won't accept she is struggling - perhaps she knows you are hostile and simply won't acknowledge it to you?

Either way, you need to get your head round the fact that this child is as much part of your family as your own children. You cannot send an adopted child 'back' any more than you can send your birth child back.

You asked for advice and here it is: if your SIL is not getting help and would like to have some, she could post a thread here and talk to experienced adopters who have gone through similar. You, in the meantime, need to work out how to protect your dc, while also trying to be as supportive as you can to SIL and dn.

If you were hoping we could advise you on how to tear your niece away from her parents in order to send her to an institution, well, that's not going to happen is it?

I find it a bit confusing you say ur disgusted that they rejected children who had medical issues that they felt they couldn't cope with but u then describe her as a monster - that's also pretty disgusting.

Instead of thinking about gettin rid of the problem child maybe you should sit down with ur sil and go through what help and support she may need. Or get her to contact organisations that support adoptive parents.

If what you say is true OP, then your SIL, her husband and their child could use some help at the minute. Perhaps it might be an idea to be supportive and find ways of helping them.

Aspies - aspergers

I think you have chosen your words very badly here, but I can kind of see a point in here that needs addressing.

She is badly behaved and the fact that she is adopted seems to be being used as an excuse for not disciplining her? That is appalling and I can see how difficult it must be for the rest of the family. ie you are expected to treat her like any other member of the family, and you are trying, but she isn't as her parents are being so permissive?

It is a prob and I know of several adoptions where this attidude has caused problems. A more disciplined upbringing may help her in the long run whether or not she is adopted tbh.

I imagine aspergers can be hard work at times - would you consider getting rid of your own child or is it just because your dn is adopted that you think its acceptable? Hell, my own ds has no SEN, not adopted but is sometimes a 'monster' and today, aged 5 had a full blown tantrum and was a total nightmare - do you have a number I can call to get him collected? Oh no, wait, I love him don't I.

pickles you are pretty outrageous . It is none of your business to criticise your in laws for turning down children with medical needs . Whether it's right or whether it's wrong they were quite simply acknowledging their limitations .
It sounds like they are struggling as it is - why don't you just climb on board to support them instead of criticising ?
You don't sound like an aunt I would want .

I know I shouldn't be letting this get to me, but blimey - could you get more judgemental?

When you are in the process of adopting they discuss with you very seriously and carefully the range of children that are available for adoption. Most of these children have problems, some have very very serious problems. There is no shame whatsoever in thinking realistically about what you can take on as a family - it would be doing a child a disservice to overreach yourself and not be able to cope. I too have rejected children for medical reasons. I have to work outside the home, and I was very clear that I could not adopt a child who needed a full-time SAHP. Having said that, when you adopt you have to understand (and they check this, again and again) that of course children who seem healthy in infancy may develop a range of problems later, and you have to be prepared for this. My dd seems very healthy and well, but she has a number of risk factors that may mean she will develop physical, psychological or behavioural problems later. Well, guess what: she is my daughter and I will support her with those problems as best I can, just as I will for my birth daughter.

I will not be 'sending her back'!

Tardis you're so right. All these children who come from hugely disrupted backgrounds and who knows what traumas need is a firm hand.

And again. I am officially a fool for answering this madness.

Thank you Mistletoe - how the hell was I supposed to know that? I thought she'd hit the op's child with something. It was hard enough to read as it was without obscure things being thrown in.

And she is not your "adoptive niece "- she is your niece . Who was adopted over two thirds of her life ago .

Tardis, I'm not going to see that all adopters are effective parents. I imagine they make mistakes with discipline, just as birth parents do.

But equally, it is often hard for other parents to understand what it means to parent a traumatised child. There are some MNetters who are doing this, and have had to endure other mums clucking in the playground at their 'lax discipline' who have absolutely no clue what their children have gone through or what they need to help them cope with daily life. Even with adopted children who do not have extreme problems, some mainstream discipline techniques are simply not appropriate.

When you get a situation like this, where a parent is struggling to cope with a troubled child, it can be very hard to know what's chicken and what's egg. Is poor parenting causing the problems, or is the parenting simply different in response to the child's very different needs? We don't know in this case, and I suspect OP doesn't know either as she's clearly not close to SIL.