Some advice for my friends who are starting this journey...

[PavlovtheCat]

My very close friends have had the first meeting of this long, exciting and scary journey. They are awaiting the first home meeting date.

Does anyone have any advice to give them? are there things they should be doing or not doing to help demonstrate their suitability to adopt? my male friend is registered disabled due to a problem with his knee, walks with a stick but is mostly mobile in that he can get around with the stick fine, and sometimes without. My female friend is not working at the moment and has not for a while. They are worried this might negatively impact on the decision made? will it? how can they overcome this/help by working? getting voluntary work for my female friend? they have their own property (family owned) with a garden, a good sized room for the child, supportive parents and friends.

What should they be thinking about now?

They need to join adoption uk and met other local adopters. Also go on the adoptioin uk boards where they will get advice from others who have recently gone through the process. A disability is not a bar to adopting, i have freinds who adopted and he uses a wheelchair

thank you Kristina, I will point them in the direction of adoption uk.

any other guidance as to how to work through the process of this, hints as to what type of things to expect from now on, how the meetings go/what they ask/look for etc would be great. Of course they are going to 'be themselves', but there is a right way and a wrong way to present your 'real self' isn't there?!

Theres so much, not sure where to start

Main thing is that itslike a job interview, not therapy. So be honest, but put a positive spin on it.

Eg yes, we did have a difficult time in our marriage 5 years ago when my mother died. It brought up a lot of feelijg for me about x y and z. But we talked abiut it together, my Dh and ny sister were wonderful supports to me. Its made our relationship stronger. Dealing with my own issues around loss will help me support any child placed with us

Dont deny you have ever had problems, as that neither honest or realistic. And you risk one of your referees mentioning it if you lie. Show how you have used it to grow and how it willmhelp you parent an adopted child

If you find that the process raises big issues for you ( not uncommon), get counselling /support etc completely seperately from the home study

oh home study? they have to do some study?!! I am sure they are already aware of that bit then .

my friends are terrible liars anyway, so that would be completely pointless thing to do, they will be found out immediately! and there is no need for them to lie, they are in a good position to get through this process with a positive outcome without having to.

Actually, they'll probably have to do homework Draw your circle of support on this paper, or write an essay about this. Or at least, that's what I had to do!

oh they can do that no problem. I do circles of support with people in my role at work so I can guide them through that bit!

i feel quite excited for them and it is not me going through it! I know it is not a given, there are no guarantees, but it is a step closer than they were before xmas at least.

Do they explore reasons for adoption, why do you want to adopt? will it be seen as a negative that they want to adopt as they appear to not be able to have their own children as their biggest motivating factor? Should they be wanting to do it over and above this reason? their attitude is very much that they have such a huge amount to offer as parents, and so many children who need good parents that if they cannot have their own biological child they will be able to be as good a parent to another child, they want to share their life and raise a child into adulthood, and they can do this whether the child is theirs biologically or not. They are realistic that while in an ideal world they would adopt a baby, this is unlikely and that is not deterring them.

Nope, adopting because you have run out of other options is fine. TBH its so difficult that only the desperate survive the process. Those who wish to adopt for altruistic reasosn are viewed with suspicion by SS as they usually drop out

We have regular but infrequent posts here on the adoption threads from people with super duper perfect lives who wish to share their wonderfulness with an " unwanted" child. As long as its a heathy baby girl under 6 montsh being relinquished by oxbridge student parenst to concentrate on their careers. And they coudlnt possibely consider any child with emotional , behavioural or developmental issues as it woudl spoil the perfection of their existing family

Their reasons for adoption will be explored in detail. I've known people come to adoption for many reasons. Some (the vast majority) had failed fertility treatments. Some were infertile but hadn't tried IVF they just went straight to adoption. Some could have bio kids but chose adoption instead. Everyone had slaightly different thoughts about it. I've not known fertile couples to be treated suspiciously in my LA (might well happen in others) but they are rare anyway. As long as they are realistic about adoption, it shouldn't matter why they chose it. Obviously "rescuing" poor baby from Oxbridge birth mum who wants to further her career is not realistic!!!