when is the right time to inform a child they are not biologically connected to a parent?

[allumj]

Hello everyone, I am a social work student in my final year and currently carrying out research for my dissertation surrounding informing a child that they are not biologically connected to the parent/s. I have a survey running for both the child who has been informed and for the parents that have informed. Please visit my page www.allum.me for further details. Also please feel free to add me as your friend. I need to reach as many people as possible. The survey is run by survey monkey and is anonymous and confidential. Thank you and happy New Year

I am a retired socworker (30 yrs experience - retired 09) The answer to your query as far as I am concerned is asap. There should be no secrets that are going to come out in later life and cause huge difficulties for the person concerned. This was how thing used to be of course, and everyone thought it was the "best way"

Any child being placed for permanency by the LA should have a life story book (but they often don't have them) and if not, one should be made, with pictures of the child's birth parents, other birth relatives, houses they used to live in, the same for anyone with whom the child was fostered and building up to his/her permanent placement. The book should be like a picture book for young children, and by the time they are say 1 yr - 18 mths and can enjoy picture books, the life Story Book can be read along with the others, maybe birth mother being referred to as "tummy mommy" or something similar. The story can be told in simple language long before the child really understands, and can be brought out frequently and the child can point out "first mummy/daddy" whoever, and treated like a story book. Obviously as the child gets older, it can be shared between you and it is of course the child's possession and he/she only shares it with people he/she wants to.

Whatever the situation - I think it's a case of early as possible, told in a sensitive manner and allowing/encouraging the child to ask (and get answers) to any question that are raised. Sometimes we think children want more information than they actually do, and we should give information at age-appropriate levels.

Sorry I cannot evidence any of this, which I know is what you need, but I am sure you will find the evidence as part of your research.

Good luck with your social work career - I enjoyed every single day of my job and enjoyed friendships with colleagues (some of whom I am still in touch with) and consider myself really fortunate to have been in that position.

I filled in your survey. It was hard to do in places as I think it was more geared towards later life disclosures and not to adoption.

Anyway, children are very accepting, and if told young will not be disturbed by it. Curious maybe, and DS has been a little confused by some aspects of his story but he does understand it all now.

Keeping it a secret doesn't achive anything. Children can not be protected from something they have already lived through. Even if they can't consciously remember it, the body keeps score. They will unconsciously be affected by it. They can only be helped to process it in a secure environment

My daughter is IVF and we have always been honest with her that we had to have a doctor help us. even on the very basic level, 'mummies and daddies give each other a special hug and that makes babies, but mummmy's and daddy's hug didnt work and we had to get a doctor to help us.'

otherwise when do you tell them, without it becoming a huge issue. DD knows and hopefully accepts the situation, this might be helpful to her when she comes to having ( or not) her own family. I am also very open with others but i apprecialte that its her informtion and she might not want others to know about her start in life.

I have two dc, one came to us via DI and the other via adoption. We are same sex parents and it would not be possible for us to pretend our family came together in the 'normal' way, even if we would want to.

These days, the adoption preparation process is very insistent on openness, and as very very few babies are adopted before six months it would be hard to pretend adoption hadn't occurred (how to explain the sudden arrival of a baby, the lack of baby photos etc).

I filled in your survey but had to leave lots of it blank because it didn't fit my situation. If you don't mind me saying so, I think you may have set its scope too wide - may be better to say this is a questionnaire for parents of older children or young adults. And some of the questions were slightly odd: why did you ask about the sexual orientation of the children? What interpretation would you put on those findings?

Early enough so that they have 'always known' and never thought any different.
(My sister adopted my half brother's baby)

I tried to fill you survey in and gave up, as Maryz said it is not really aimed at the people who have told their children from very early on.
We told all 3 of our daughters their 'story' from the outset. They have all grown up knowing they were adopted.
One or two of my very ignorant colleagues have asked when we plan on telling them!!

Op , as others have said, your survey is poorly desinged and not really relevant to most afopters. You need to discuss this with your supervisor

sorry I'm afraid I gave up too - as DS has been aware of his adoption since before he was able to understand. I don't know any adopters who have taken a different line either because the child is old enough to be aware of the adoption as its happening or because we follow the advice given to us by the professionals (and using our common sense!) that earlier is better.

I'm sure there must be people who have tried to keep it a secret but I think you'll have a job to find a statistically significant number of them. More likely with Donor sperm or Surrogacy to be kept silent and announced at a later date just because its something that is easier physically to keep quiet. And even then I know many chidlren born through DI who have always been aware of it.

never heard of anyone who tried to keep it a secret- I thought that kind of behaviour went out a long long time ago and was certainly not recommended practice

Hello, I put a note in my survey (that I am an adoptive parent of 2 and a social science researcher). I agree with posts here saying that it would be helpful for your research if you obtained more advice from your supervisor regarding the survey -- specifically it would be useful to specify in advance that you are only studying adoptions where the parents hid the fact that the child was adopted [note this may be difficult to find in current parents, you might have more success finding them from prior generations but not through Mumsnet], and then getting some good advice on questionnaire / survey construction.

Best of luck, these are important topics and I know how difficult it can be to get busy university staff's attention to guide you in your work.