Background... married 10 years, been trying to have a child... biggest desire for us both. Changed careers from manic publishing world to becoming a childminder, so I could be home for the kids we would (hopefully) have.
After being guinea pigs for a while, and DH undergoing an intricate procedure, docs came to the conclusion that DH has no sperm so the chances of us having one together are gone. I have been tested, all fine fertility-wise (and genetically good breeders), but was obese due to continual steroid use due to bad asthma for years.
Looked at adoption: Declined as overweight, a childminder, practicing Christian, South African roots, only have black babies in borough and don't adopt interracially. 
I had a vertical sleeve gastrectomy in 2010 as a last resort of getting off steroids for asthma, as a kick start for weight loss able to actually take place. Even when I ate practically nothing, my weight would climb. To date weight loss is just over 5 stone, only a couple to go! 
Op was a lifesaver, of course I also watch my eating (I have always been pretty good though), and can attend gym far easier now with less weight and asthma being so much better. Feel like I have a new life! 
We did find a high risk pregnancy fertility specialist a couple of years ago who would help us and told us the BMI sizes he had had successful pregnancies with (my asthma was a bigger problem, so he said to work on both)... I am now there, so we excitedly wrote to him last week to say we can start the process! Imagine our utter shock and despair at receiving an email from the clinic, saying the dear Doctor had died of cancer in December and the practice would be closing. 
I have spent the last two days crying. Am devastated. Firstly, he was a young man (47), who had helped bring such joy into so many couple's lives, what a huge loss to his family, the fertility world, he did pioneering work in London, which continued in SA. Plus the poor man - he was so warm and kind and compassionate. To die so young. And then of course for us... with that (final) door firmly shut, how the hell are we going to have kids now?
So... we have come to the decision (so hard to make as DH has been in a stable job for nigh on 10 years, and I have a bustling CM business that I love!) to move to South Africa this year, where we WILL be able to adopt children. The social workers we have spoken to there are crying out for adopters. They are realistic, and the fact we are happily married, don't have criminal records, don't smoke/drink, pay tax et al actually give us some credance. We were made to feel so unworthy of being a parent by the UK SWs we have spoken to. Yes, we might be turning our comfortable and settled lives upside down, but the desire to be parents far outweighs everything else.
Thank you if you have been reading this all, you must have a numb bum! Just had to get this off my chest. Looking after my adorable mindees has kept me sane and filled a huge gap for 5 years, but we need more.
I just want to be a mum.
Adoption
I just want to be a mum and am in utter despair at all doors closing (long, sorry!)
ElizabethDarcy · 05/01/2012 10:31
I really feel for you.
I think some of the assessments/criteria in this country are terribly prohibitive. How can it be preferable to have children growing up in care rather than with imperfect adoptive parents? How many natural (and perfectly good!) parents would qualify to keep their own children if the same criteria were applied?
I wish you all the best for the future.
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I was adopted by a catholic family and my dad was overweight. The rules for adoption make me despair now to the point I have
Considered retraining and going back to uni to get into social work. It makes me so annoyed. I also think mixed adoptions
Should be allowed, why send a message that segregation is ok and each to their own rather than 'here is a loving family who want to care
For you and raise you'
There is so much more they could do 
Thank you! We have considered fostering, but me being a childminder is not ideal, and to be honest, we'd get too attached, we want a child for good. I cry when my minded children leave... goodness knows what a wreck I would be were we to foster a child and have a deeper level of relationship, and to have that whipped away overnight ... and if it did move to something more, the current adoption rules and regs would have to change in a big way... we feel the risk of staying here and hoping the regs become more realistic, is too much of a risk.
We have 5 different friends in SA who have adopted black babies (who have their own biological kids and decided to adopt as well, or who cannot have their own child and have adopted)... they have given these kids a loving home, and a better future than they could have ever hoped for probably. They're happy, flourishing children! Their parents are naturally ensuring they learn/experience where possible, their own cultural background, which is fundamental!
I have tried so hard in the last couple of years to prepare my body for pregnancy. I will continue to do this (for myself), just still so wobbly re the only fertility specialist who gave us hope, to be gone.
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