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I just want to be a mum and am in utter despair at all doors closing (long, sorry!)

41 replies

ElizabethDarcy · 05/01/2012 10:31

Background... married 10 years, been trying to have a child... biggest desire for us both. Changed careers from manic publishing world to becoming a childminder, so I could be home for the kids we would (hopefully) have.

After being guinea pigs for a while, and DH undergoing an intricate procedure, docs came to the conclusion that DH has no sperm so the chances of us having one together are gone. I have been tested, all fine fertility-wise (and genetically good breeders), but was obese due to continual steroid use due to bad asthma for years.

Looked at adoption: Declined as overweight, a childminder, practicing Christian, South African roots, only have black babies in borough and don't adopt interracially. Xmas Confused

I had a vertical sleeve gastrectomy in 2010 as a last resort of getting off steroids for asthma, as a kick start for weight loss able to actually take place. Even when I ate practically nothing, my weight would climb. To date weight loss is just over 5 stone, only a couple to go! Grin Op was a lifesaver, of course I also watch my eating (I have always been pretty good though), and can attend gym far easier now with less weight and asthma being so much better. Feel like I have a new life! Smile

We did find a high risk pregnancy fertility specialist a couple of years ago who would help us and told us the BMI sizes he had had successful pregnancies with (my asthma was a bigger problem, so he said to work on both)... I am now there, so we excitedly wrote to him last week to say we can start the process! Imagine our utter shock and despair at receiving an email from the clinic, saying the dear Doctor had died of cancer in December and the practice would be closing. Sad

I have spent the last two days crying. Am devastated. Firstly, he was a young man (47), who had helped bring such joy into so many couple's lives, what a huge loss to his family, the fertility world, he did pioneering work in London, which continued in SA. Plus the poor man - he was so warm and kind and compassionate. To die so young. And then of course for us... with that (final) door firmly shut, how the hell are we going to have kids now?

So... we have come to the decision (so hard to make as DH has been in a stable job for nigh on 10 years, and I have a bustling CM business that I love!) to move to South Africa this year, where we WILL be able to adopt children. The social workers we have spoken to there are crying out for adopters. They are realistic, and the fact we are happily married, don't have criminal records, don't smoke/drink, pay tax et al actually give us some credance. We were made to feel so unworthy of being a parent by the UK SWs we have spoken to. Yes, we might be turning our comfortable and settled lives upside down, but the desire to be parents far outweighs everything else.

Thank you if you have been reading this all, you must have a numb bum! Just had to get this off my chest. Looking after my adorable mindees has kept me sane and filled a huge gap for 5 years, but we need more.

I just want to be a mum.

OP posts:
whackamole · 05/01/2012 10:34

I hope it all happens soon and you have your baby soon.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/01/2012 10:38

What about fostering, OP? There seems to be a huge demand for this and you never know where it could lead?

MotherPanda · 05/01/2012 10:38

You poor thing -I needed a breath of air after reading that! I truly hope you get your family in south Africa, I've heard there are plans to change the UK adoption system. I can't believe they are still allowed to decline 'interracial' adoptions, in multicultural Britain.

Kayano · 05/01/2012 10:41

I was going to suggest adoption as my mum and dad adopted me
For exactly the same reasons, but I saw you can't here.

Which btw is a DAMN DISGRACE! Declined for being overweight? How utterly
Sickening! This countries adoption procedures are so crap when they will place at risk kids back with abusive families again and again but can't overlook something like weight. It makes
Me sick!


CoffeeDog · 05/01/2012 10:44

i hope you get the family you so despertley want soon.

Would you consider fostering? There are loads of kids desperate for a start off in life.

Good luck for your future

worldgonecrazy · 05/01/2012 10:47

kayano is right, the UK adoption procedures are a disgrace. 50,000 children in care, and only just over 50 adoptions last year. That's one child a week being placed in a loving home, just about balancing out the one child a week that is killed by abusive parents. Very, very sad.

Unfortunately the adoption process change probably won't be in time to help the OP. I wish you well on your journey to SA and hope you have a lovely time being parents to your future adoptee.

TroublesomeEx · 05/01/2012 10:50

I really feel for you.

I think some of the assessments/criteria in this country are terribly prohibitive. How can it be preferable to have children growing up in care rather than with imperfect adoptive parents? How many natural (and perfectly good!) parents would qualify to keep their own children if the same criteria were applied? Sad

I wish you all the best for the future.

nappymaestro · 05/01/2012 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kayano · 05/01/2012 10:55

I was adopted by a catholic family and my dad was overweight. The rules for adoption make me despair now to the point I have
Considered retraining and going back to uni to get into social work. It makes me so annoyed. I also think mixed adoptions
Should be allowed, why send a message that segregation is ok and each to their own rather than 'here is a loving family who want to care
For you and raise you'

There is so much more they could do AngrySad

mishtake · 05/01/2012 10:55

Best of luck to you.
This country is a disgrace when it comes to adoption.
How many people who conceive their own children would be "approved" as parents by these pen pushers?
You are doing the right thing by heading off to SA.

Kayano · 05/01/2012 10:58

I think we should have a MN campaign Angry

We should have an [outrage] emotion which is Angry but with flames!

ElizabethDarcy · 05/01/2012 10:59

Thank you! We have considered fostering, but me being a childminder is not ideal, and to be honest, we'd get too attached, we want a child for good. I cry when my minded children leave... goodness knows what a wreck I would be were we to foster a child and have a deeper level of relationship, and to have that whipped away overnight Sad ... and if it did move to something more, the current adoption rules and regs would have to change in a big way... we feel the risk of staying here and hoping the regs become more realistic, is too much of a risk.

We have 5 different friends in SA who have adopted black babies (who have their own biological kids and decided to adopt as well, or who cannot have their own child and have adopted)... they have given these kids a loving home, and a better future than they could have ever hoped for probably. They're happy, flourishing children! Their parents are naturally ensuring they learn/experience where possible, their own cultural background, which is fundamental!

I have tried so hard in the last couple of years to prepare my body for pregnancy. I will continue to do this (for myself), just still so wobbly re the only fertility specialist who gave us hope, to be gone.

OP posts:
bumpsnowjustplump · 05/01/2012 11:01

What about a sperm doner? If you dont have any fatility problems and you have lost (very impressed with your weight loss by the way) so much weight could you conceive naturally with a doner?

BandOMothers · 05/01/2012 11:05

Firsstly well done on your weight loss! Secondly I am so sorry you and your DH have had such an awwful sad about the doctor! Hwever....many congratulations on your decision to move to's a great idea and you will soon be a Mum. I find it hard to understand about them refusing you here...I have a friend who is obese and so is her DH and they have aopted last was a ten year old...they had fostered her previously. Maybe different counties have dfferent rules?

legallyblond · 05/01/2012 11:05

But now your weight is on track, could you not consider ivf with donor sperm? How old are you?

Miette · 05/01/2012 11:05

Hi there. I really hope you get your longed for baby. I guess sperm donation isn't a possibility? Or is that what the fertility specialist was going to do? I think going to SA to adopt would be a good move. You can always come back here once the the adoption has gone through and start back with your jobs again, or you may even find you like it over there and want to stay.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 05/01/2012 11:11

are there national guidelines for adoption, or is by Council? A boy in DD1's class was recently adopted, and his mother is quite overweight.

ElizabethDarcy · 05/01/2012 11:11

Yes bumps... that was the route we were going to go with the fertility specialist that sadly died last month... donor sperm. Look for a donor that looks as close as possible to my own Mr Darcy (a devilishly handsome hunk!).

I have even been looking at the cryobank to self inseminate (goodness, I know how desperate that sounds!), but I (we both are!) desperate.

We think that adopting abroad is the only solution to be frank. UK medical folk are just not interested in helping higher risk people having babies (often rightly so, believe you me, and a couple of years ago I WAS too fat and my asthma WAS too bad to have a child healthily.. hence me trying so hard to change things). But things have done a huge about turn with my health.. but now, due to my HISTORY with asthma, and still not at that perfect BMI.. the doors here are still firmly shut... NHS and private.

OP posts:
vixsatis · 05/01/2012 11:14

The adoption system here is absurd and a disgrace.

Adopting a child is a wonderful and generous thing to do and I wish you the best of luck with your new life in South Africa

squeakytoy · 05/01/2012 11:15

The current adoption criteria in this country is a bloody disgrace when there are so many unwanted children in care.

I was adopted as my dad was infertile. He was a smoker, and it did not make him any less of a loving and brilliant dad. My mum wasnt overweight, but if she had been, would it have made her any less of a brilliant mother.. no it wouldnt!

Miette · 05/01/2012 11:17

Did they actually say that being a childminder, practicing Christian, South African roots counted against you? Seems a bit discrimatory!

Moomoomie · 05/01/2012 11:21

Did you have the complete home study for adoption and were refused at panel?
I do feel for you.... We were in a similar situation, have since adopted three girls.
Adoption panels do not turn you down for just being over weight, unless health problems too. Nor will they turn you down for being a practising Christian.
As to the inter racial point, once you are approved to adopt you are allowed to look else where in the country for children waiting for a family.
I think there is more to this than you are saying.
Also adoption is not a cure for infertility, and I don't think you have closed the door to that yet, and grieved for the baby you did not have.
Sorry to sound harsh. Good luck in what you decide to do.

BoffinMum · 05/01/2012 11:22

I have to say I would be considering sperm donation, or letting it be known I would be happy to adopt an entire family of children rather than just the one.

BoffinMum · 05/01/2012 11:22

Also what about children with disabilities?

loosyloo · 05/01/2012 11:23

We were made to feel so unworthy of being a parent by the UK SWs we have spoken to.

that is so sad for all the children out there languishing in places with no mum and dad to care for them :(

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