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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Original poster

How do you feel about strangers knowing your child is adopted?.

19 replies

ChooChooWowWow · 31/12/2011 14:21

I'm a foster carer as well as an adoptor. Yesterday a child came to me for respite over the New Year period. Not long after she arrived she pointed at my dd and said "is that the one you adopted?". Clearly her carer had told her.
This happens to us a lot. Mums in the school playground are the worst culprits.

My DDs adoption is no secret, it can't be and we wouldn't want it to be something she felt she had to be secretive about. I just don't think other people have a right to discuss my DDs background with people who are complete strangers to us.

While I'm have a rant, why do papers always have to point out a child is adopted as well. There have recently been a lot of coverage of the marriage breakdown of Dawn French and Lenny Henry. I noticed that all references to their DD was as their "adopted daughter". They adopted her about 20 years ago fgs. Why do these children have to be labelled their whole lives?. It's the same with others such as Sinetta. It's always her "adopted children". Makes me bloody mad.

Rant over am I being a bit precious?.

OP posts:

Kristingle · 31/12/2011 14:34

No your not. Its private information and belongs to the people concerned, mostly the child.ive told my adopted children that its their information and i will only share it on a need to know basis.

They are free to share it as they wish but we have talked in detail about the implications of the eg they caht take it back, they will haveto deal with other peoples views, issues and opinions . Others, including adults, might ask questions which can be hard to answer appropriately

our adopted children do not look very different from the others, so you woulndt pick thme out. I know others dont have that luxury and have to deal with questions more often

A Fc had no right to give our your childs personal info to her child. I woudl be tempted to mention this and remind her of her professionial duty of confidentiality.

Albrecht · 31/12/2011 14:35

Not precious at all but people (me included) are nosy.

Worst type of reporting is when they specify someone has children and adopted children, marking them out as separate species.

Kristingle · 31/12/2011 14:43

Something can be private but not secret. Its no secret ( i assume) that dh and i have sex. But its considered private and i woudl only expect to be asked about it if it were relevent eg a doctor discussing contraception or a MW during pg. Indeed for most people it woudl be considered a mark of immaturity, eg we only expect teenager to go on about their sex lives. Or some attention seeking mumsneters ( but thats another story)

So YANBU at all to be annoyed. Did this child say anything to your DD and was she ok being asked about it?

My dd has a couple of standard responses AFAIK

Yes i am adopted but its private and i dont want tovtalk about

My parenst say i dont have to talk about it if i dont want to

My mum says if you need to know anything you shoudl ask her ( this one usually for adults as its very hard for a child to cope with intrusive questions form dults, particularky authority figures like teachers)

Moomoomie · 31/12/2011 14:44

That is always a hot topic of conversation. I agree it is on a need to know basis, and nobody should have told the child.
I have 3 adopted children, the older two were at school when we adopted the third. A lot of the " school mums" asked stupid questions and said stupid things like. " I did not know the girls weren't yours"
Know the third has started school I have decided not to tell the other " school mums" because they don't need to know... At the moment.
My eldest dd used to tell people when she was younger just to get a reaction. We too have had the conversation about not telling everyone and you can't take it back.
She is now 12 and has decided she does not want to talk about adoption again!
And the media just want to fill a paper with crap.... Don't worry about that.

Moomoomie · 31/12/2011 14:50

I remember when I went back to work after the adoption of the older two.
A new member of staff had started.... The first thing she said to me was " oh you're the one who has adopted the two boys "
I just gave her a withering look and said " at least get their gender correct"
Funnily enough we never really got on.

Lilka · 31/12/2011 15:57

ooh yes!! I couldn't hide it at all, especially with DD2 because I'd been living in the area for ages with one child, and suddenly an 8 year old popped up out of nowhere. So everyone knew I was the one who adopted - even better, I was the one who adopted that horrid disruptive girl who needs to be taught manners, and "if I were her mum I wouldn't let her get away with that" and "She should be grateful to you for giving her a home and not be behaving like this" and so on...that being just the playground mothers! The move to special ed was never sweeter

DD2 did tell everyone as did DD1..they have stock reponses to questions which we worked out together. And honestly dealing with the children was so much better than the other adults!

"How come you got put in care/What did you do?" - "I didn't do anything and it's private so stop talking about it please"
"Where is your real mum" - "I've got two mums, which one are you talking about?" and "That's private, stop talking about it please"

I don't have very good responses to other parents, especially when they questionned my parenting in front of me and other mums. I glared and asked them how many traumatised children they had adopted. Then just walked off. I consequently have a reputation around here

mumblecrumble · 31/12/2011 16:06

Really bugs me too - particularly the 'Such and such have two sons and an adopted child' - surely as they are legally parents then they are and nothing else needs to be added!!!! Such divisive language.

I have no real experience of adoption except in that I babysat a wee boy who then had twin toddler sisters who were adotped and I teach a few kids who are adotped. I wouldn;t DARE refer to their adopted beginnings anymore than I would ask someone when their Mum and Dad had sex!!!!!

not being precious. Our use of language in media etc is so very telling...

exoticfruits · 31/12/2011 16:32

Speaking as an outsider I think that it is much easier for all concerned. I must have been very young when I knew my cousin was adopted, I can't remember ever not knowing. I just took it as normal. Equally when I was a teenager I knew that all 3 DCs next door were adopted. When I was 8yrs I knew that my friend's younger sister (5yrs) was adopted.
In all cases they were pleased to have been 'chosen'. I can't remember it ever making any difference to me or me discussing it with them, but I would have thought it better to be open.
My husband's cousin has 2 adopted DCs and one birth DC-no distinction is ever made, but it isn't a secret.
Is it important who gave birth? Why would it be a secret? (genuine question)

Kristingle · 31/12/2011 17:51

Yes of course its extremely important who gave birth. But probably not to the person standing next to you at the bus stop /supermarket queue/school gate

And i dont think anyone is suggesting that its a secret to anyone involved, or those who need to knwo

Private is different from secret

exoticfruits · 31/12/2011 17:58

Sorry Kristingle-I think perhaps I misunderstood.
I still think that although you might not tell them it is a bit difficult to deal with if they happen to know.
People never cease to amaze me-they comment on all sorts of things that I would never dream of mentioning or questioning. However I don't know the answer.

Original poster

ChooChooWowWow · 31/12/2011 21:41

I don't think there is an answer exoticfruits. DDs adoption is not a secret. She is only 4 but if she meets anyone with the same name as her birth mother she will say "that is my tummy mummies name but she couldn't look after me so I got a new mummy". I have no problem with that at all. when she is older she may not want to be so open. That is for her to decide and nobody else.
The young person who is staying was asking me some more questions about dd this evening. I told her it wasn't her fault but her carer had no right to discuss DDs private life. Think it will get back

Like you said you wouldn't dream of commenting, sadly lots of rude people do. You wouldn't believe how many people have questioned wether our love for dd can ever be as strong as that we have for our birth children, because "we didn't make dd she is not a part of us" .

OP posts:

hester · 31/12/2011 23:43

I have a female dp and two children. The children have different racial origins. My dp and I have different racial origins. Nobody thinks we are a naturally occurring family, and everybody always asks.

Actually, I think I'm too open in my replies. I suppose it came from the fact that, with an older child at school, it was pretty obvious what was going on when another child suddenly appeared. Plus I AM a very open person - I'll usually tell anybody anything. But of course my children's wishes on this trump mine, and I'm trying to work out ways of keeping people at bay without appearing rude and without implying to my dcs that their origins are a shameful secret.

QOD · 31/12/2011 23:56

My dd is ours thru parental order as she's a surrogate baby. We always explained to her that its private, not a secret. And that she cant take it back. She prefers peoplenot to know and we respect that.

Kewcumber · 04/01/2012 16:17

Like Hester it was obvious that DS was obvious to many in our community because I turned up one day with a one year old!

I haven't quite worked out how to handle it myself - I veer from not discussing it at all and feeling like I'm trying to keep it a secret when I'm very proud of him and see his route home as nothing more than teh facts and like discussing brith stories, on the other hand I do struggle with finding the line between bare information and people getting titbits to gossip about.

On the whole I tend to take that line that if people seem genuinely interested and aren;t asking inappropriately personal questions when I furnish them with the facts and how I feel - ie how licky I am.

Kewcumber · 04/01/2012 16:18

"Plus I AM a very open person - I'll usually tell anybody anything" - I have the same problem virtue Hester

Kewcumber · 04/01/2012 16:18

Apparently I'm also a very "licky" person

QOD · 04/01/2012 17:26

Mmmmm well cucumber can be quite licky!!!

melika · 04/01/2012 17:33

YANBU, why the hell do people have to know everything!

miacis · 15/01/2012 20:21

It's my daughter's story to tell, not mine, so it remains private not secret.

I have only told two school mums but DD told other children who promptly told the whole school. Poor love now gets asked by other children at school is it true? Blah, blah.... Once it's out there you can't get it back in.

People are very curious - one of the other mums has asked me leading questions trying to get more info about the circs around adoption but I haven't fallen for it.

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