very early stages of considering adoption - how was it for you?

[MichaelaS]

Hi everyone, I have been lurking on this board for a little while and wanted to ask you all a question about how your journey began.

Basically I am considering adoption, or perhaps long term fostering, as something i'd love to do in the future. I'm really keen on the idea, partly because I (perhaps naively?) think its something more people should do, and partly because my son was born very prematurely and dealing with the consequences and problems he has faced has shown me that I have the resources to advocate for a child and work with (despite) the system to try to get the best care and medical help for them. We have a stable family, we are financially relatively secure, and have good support networks so I hope that we'd have a lot to offer to a child. My body doesn't seem great at pregnancy (i'm pretty high risk) but I love being a mum, and it would be a great way to expand our family.

However, its something that will be at least a few years in the future - i'm currently pregnant with our second child, and although we are looking to move house we don't have enough space where we are at the moment. I am keen to gain more experience of parenting before attempting something which might be more tricky (natural children as guinea pigs!) Also, my husband is less keen on the idea and it must of course be something we both want to do rather than something one partner persuades the other into. He's a great dad, and to be honest I think his reluctance is more of a general fear because he understands what a responsibility it is to bring a child into the world or into your family, and he is a naturally cautious person. I think once our second baby is a few years old he may be more confident in his abilities and feel differently.

So, we are not in a position to seriously look into adoption yet - but I just keep coming back to the idea, I can't get it out of my head especially as the topic has been in the press a lot recently. I wanted to ask you all 2 things:

1. how did you come to the decision to adopt, how did you know when it was the right time to start investigating it seriously?

2. is there anything you'd recommend that I can read or do to give myself a more realistic idea about the process, about the reality of being an adoptive parent, or that would teach me relevant skills? Any advice at this very early stage, basically? I understand it would not be all sunshine and roses process but don't know where to look to understand more about the realities.

Thank you!

Hi Michaela

We haven't adopted yet are at an early stage of the process. Our hpome study is set to start end Jan/early Feb.

We have decided to adopt as when we were trying for our ds we had two miscarriages. Drs don't 'investigate' until you lose three babies but I took the m/c very hard and we started to think about alternatives and researched adoption. I have always fallen pregnant easily/quickly but something happened in very early stages whhic resulted in m/c so I started to think it might have been a genetic issue. I then fell pg with my ds - he is now 3. As discussions about having another child came up we discussed how we were both keen on adoptinbg when we didn't think we could have any children and the idea had never really left us. We have decided to adopt our second child.

Our main concern is about our ds but we will explore this with the social worker during the home visit.

As for your second question, I'm not sure really and can't share experiences myself but on here they are very supportive and honest. I also know some others who have adopted. I think the main thing to remember is that all children will come with difficulties and it is not the same as having a birth child. Some people have had difficult experiences and others not so difficult. A colleague of mine adopted twins 3 years ago and has had such a positive experience and very few problems. That is not to say the children dont have some insecurities, I just want to point out that there are some very good stories out there so don't just listen to negative ones. The main problem is that you just don't know how things will turn out. There are many uncertainties so you need to be well prepared for a range of possibilities!

If you are pregnant at the moment you should be aware that most LAs recommend that the child you adopt is at least 2 years younger than your youngest - I believe some LAs recommend an even bigger gap so worth checking out in your area.

Hi there, thanks for your reply and good luck with your home study. I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriages but am glad you're investigating adoption too.

We too have some friends who have adopted - one couple we know pretty well who have adopted a brother and sister, and may still adopt the youngest child - but they live in the US and adoption seems to be much more common and discussed than here. We also know some families with grown up adopted children, and one fostering single mum too - so I'm tapping them up for their opinions and advice too.

Thanks for your advice, and I hope it all goes really well for you.